Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Master of Habsburger
circa 1490

SQUISHY: Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Baby Jesus

Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Baby Jesus
By Elisabetta Sirani
17th century
Oil on canvas
Museu Nacional de Belas Artes, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My Squishy is the centerfold
Squishy is the centerfold

Nativity

Nativity
c. 1430
Painting detail from an oak altarpiece
Museo nazionale di Villa Guinigi, Lucca, Italy

Electric light-up Squishy gets the Smurf angel band serenade at his nativity.  Sometimes it pays to be the son of God.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Dutch School
After 1500
Oil on oak parquet panel
37 x 29 cm

Move over Victoria's Secret models 'cause here comes Cheesecake Squishy and Madonna of the High Boobs.

Madonna with Sleeping Child

Madonna with Sleeping Child
By Paris Bordone
1540 - 1560
Oil on canvas,  27.4 × 32.9"
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Who needs a diaper when mom's got a basket of toilet paper handy?

Holy Family

Holy Family
By Marcello Venusti
1565
National Gallery, London, UK

SQUISHY: Imma be real real with ya'll: it's too damn early for this Holy Bible bizness.

The Adoration of the Shepherds

The Adoration of the Shepherds
By Luis Lagarto
1610

Upper left, we putti playing catch with a body-less baby head.  Center (back ground) two shepherds are all "WTF, the son of who??? is born today?"  Joseph is sooooooo bored.

Nativity

Nativity
By Parmigianino
1521-1522
Oil on canvas, 43.1 × 47.3 cm
Courtauld Gallery., London UK

I don't remember reading in the nativity story that the ox and ass actually lick Jesus and the attending angel.

Also, whoa Squishy Jesus Thunderthighs!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Giovanni Francesco Caroto
1508-10

Squishy, dude, cut down on the twinkies: you're starting to look like a member of Generation XL....

Madonna Adoring the Christ Child

Madonna Adoring the Christ Child
By Pietro Da Vicenza
1490
Oil on panel, 26.8 x 18.1"
Private Collection

Horizontal martial arts?

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Andrea del Sarto
1520
Oil on panel,  50.8 x 43.1"
Pitti Palace, Florence, Italy

SQUISHY:  Excuse me, St. John, could you back up a little?  Your penis is right behind my head.

Nativity

Nativity
By Michele Tosini
1500's

SQUISHY: Could you please stop adoring me for a few minutes and let me get some sleep?  I had a really late night at Bar Bethlehem.

Madonna and Child Holding a Pear

Madonna and Child Holding a Pear
By Flemish Master
First half of the 16th century
Oil on panel
Wilanów Palace Museum, Warsaw, Poland

I don't know about you, but when I think "Madonna and Child" I always think "muscle-bound nude Jesus with double-chin balancing on one foot and his mom's boob while holding a pear."

Birth of Christ

Birth of Christ
By Hans Leonhard Schäufelein
1506-07
Painting on wood, 132 × 120 cm

Look beyond Mary's ginormous halo to the two guys gossiping in the wall hole.  They're saying "have you ever in you entire life seen such a ugly ox and ass?  Like where are that ox's horn coming from?!!!"

Squishy is in good form, though, in a classic cheesecake pose.

Madonna and Child with Four Cherubs

Madonna and Child with Four Cherubs
By Bartholomaeus Bruyn the Elder 
Oil on wood, 48.3 x 36.8 cm 
York Museums Trust, UK

Five chubs with afros, FTW.

The Sleep of the Infant Jesus, with Musician Angels

The Sleep of the Infant Jesus, with Musician Angels
By Carlo Maratta
1697
Oil on panel, 47.2 x 38.6 "
Louvre Museum, Paris, France

Alternate title: The Sleep of the Lard-Ass Odalisque, with Musician Angels

Child Jesus Lying on the Cross

Child Jesus Lying on the Cross
c. 1800
Detail of a painting on glass

Soooo, you know, you're thinking of making a religious painting on glass and what comes to mind? A cheesecake boy Jesus reclining on a cross in red hot pants, of course!

The Adoration of the Child

The Adoration of the Child
By Piero di Cosimo
1495-1500
Oil on wood panel
The Toledo Museum of Art, Toledo, USA

Showcasing the latest in rugged Bible chic furniture, baby Jesus reclines on a rock/chaise lounge.

The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Saints Cosmas and Damian with St Eustace and Saint George in the Background

The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Saints Cosmas and Damian with St Eustace and Saint George in the Background
By Gian Francesco de Maineri
c. 1500
Oil on panel, 28 x 21 cm
The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge, UK

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle-jangle morning I'll come following you.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Conrad von Soest
1420
Tempera on wood, 140 × 95 cm
St. Mary's Church, Dortmund

GUY ON LEFT: Damn Jesus--what happened to your junk???? Looks like you're missing a couple essential details there.

SQUISHY: I backhand you for your impertinence, you long-nose scum.

MARY: I get the biggest halo. Ha ha ha, losers!

KNEELING FOOT KISSER: Hmmm, smells like incense, tastes like chicken.

GUY IN BLACK COAT: Hope no one notices I'm wearing a toupee.....