Jesus with Flowers

Jesus with Flowers
By Carlo Dolci
1663
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid, Spain 

This Valentines Day, why not class it up and send your flowers special delivery from a cute little boy-Jesus?
 

Joseph with Baby Jesus

Joseph with Baby Jesus
By Joseph Mangold
19^th century
Painting on glass

Go home Joseph Mangold, you're drunk.

Angel Teaching Baby Jesus

Angel Teaching Baby Jesus
1480-90
Painting on linden wood
National Museum, Munich, Germany

One singular sensation, every little step he takes.
One thrilling combination, every move that he makes.

Madonna

Madonna
By Max Frey
Print














In which the Madonna and Child are completely upstaged by background scenery.

The Adoration of the Shepherds

The Adoration of the Shepherds

By Pedro Garcia Benavarri and Jaume Ferrer II

1450

Altarpiece

ASS: Dude, why are all those people staring at that naked baby?

OX: I know, like isn't it just so much more interesting that one of my horns is coming out my forehead and my ear is stuck on sideways?

Merry Christmas everyone!

St. Christopher

St. Christopher
By Bernardo Strozzi
1600's
Oratorio of Saints Sebastian and Rocco, Campo Ligure, Italy

Remember that one time you thought you were in bible story, but only later realized you were in a circus act?

The Virgin wih Musician Angels

The Virgin wih Musician Angels
By Abdón Castaneda
c. 1610
Oil on linen
Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia, Valencia, Spain

Hot dayem!, Squishy and his putti friends are ripped.  What kind lifting routine did they put toddlers on back in 1610?

The Trinities of Earth and Sky

The Trinities of Earth and Sky
By Andrés López
Oil on copper
13.07 x 14.17"
National Museum of Art, Mexico City, Mexico

Baby Jesus is holding a picture of adult Jesus surrounded by three other man-sized Jesus'--this painting is so postmodern.  Rosalind Krauss probably wrote an article about it.

Infant Christ

Infant Christ
By an unknown Polish artist
c. 1480
Tempera and gold on panel
National Museum in Warsaw, Poland

Okay, so this is a pretty fascinating depiction of a medieval baby walker, but no one's going to convince me that the rubbery worm-person pushing it is baby Jesus, or any sort of human baby at all.....

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon
16th century
Detail of Codex Vindobonensis Palatinu
Illumination

Squishy Jesus the Dragon Slayer: my new favorite sitcom!

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist
By William Blake
27 x 38.2 cm

Now St. Johnny, how many times do I have to warn you?  Stop being such a creeper!

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway
By Ernst Ewald









Q: How many winged baby angels does it take to carry a catatonic looking Christ child?

A: Three: two to carry him, and one to ring a bell in front.

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angels and Saints

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angles and Saints

By Fillipo Lippi

c. 1430

Tempera on panel, 43.7 × 34.3 cm

Museo della collegiata di Sant'Andrea, Empoli, Italy

ANGEL (kneeling in front of Mary and Squishy): Who's a cute squishy baby?  Who? Oh just wook at his widdle pink onesie!! I just want to squeeeeeze his widdle fat cheeks!!!!!"

JOSEPH: Bitch please, this baby talk is getting old.

 

 

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Neri di Bicci
1466-68
Tempera on wood
 Musée d'art et d'histoire de Genève, Geneva, Switzerland

Kid is soooooo stoned.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Gentile da Fabriano
1410
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA

SQUISHY:  Mom mom mom--the neighbor's dog pooped on the lawn again and they didn't pick it up!!!!

MARY:  No honey, that's not dog poop: those are little brown angels.

Maria Bründl

Maria Bründl
By Johann Philipp Ruckerbauer
1714
Detail of an altar painting in Maria Bründl church, Poysdorf, Austria

Don't you just hate it when you're photo-bombed by a praying Statue of Liberty?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Maestro di Sant'Elsino

Whoa--phantom nipple!?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice, Italy

I couldn't find a date for this painting but I believe it was made during the Pure Cartilage Appendage Age, you know, that time when people didn't have joints in their fingers or toes/

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor
By Carlo Crivelli
1470
Painting on panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington, USA

SQUISHY: Yo! This apple is bigger than my head!

MARY:  I wish the painter wouldn't make the stomach part of my dress look like a subliminal vagina.....

DONOR (lower left):  Gah--why am I so tiny?!?!!?  Next time I'm paying enough to at least be as tall as Mary's knee.

The Nativity

The Nativity
By Fastolf Master
c. 1440 - 50
Illumination on parchment from Book of Hours, use of Sarum, page size 293 x 200 mm.

Octopus bed?  Check.
Cross-eyed ox?  Check.