The Adoration of the Shepherds

The Adoration of the Shepherds

By Pedro Garcia Benavarri and Jaume Ferrer II

1450

Altarpiece

ASS: Dude, why are all those people staring at that naked baby?

OX: I know, like isn't it just so much more interesting that one of my horns is coming out my forehead and my ear is stuck on sideways?

Merry Christmas everyone!

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Thomas von Villach
Detail of a fresco in Saint George church Gerlamoos, Carinthia, Austria

Did you know that whenever the foreskin of a holy infant is chopped off his halo temporarily turns black?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
Painting on glass

And so it came to pass that Jesus and Joseph put their hair in hot rollers and Joseph donned his red rain boots and God sent a holy chicken on high to show that this was good.

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
By Gerard Seghers
17th Century

Textbook case of male pattern baldness.

Blessing Christ

Blessing Christ
1486
Illuminated page from the Waldburg-prayer book

I'm thinking that back in 1486, when the owner of the Waldburg-prayer book got to this page, he or she broke out into uncontrollable giggles and got kicked out of church.

Infant Christ Asleep

Infant Christ Asleep

By Bartolomé Estéban Murillo

17th century

Oil on canvas, 24.76" x 32.64"

 

The "ate too much pumpkin pie" post-Thanksgiving Squishy.

St. Christopher

St. Christopher
By Bernardo Strozzi
1600's
Oratorio of Saints Sebastian and Rocco, Campo Ligure, Italy

Remember that one time you thought you were in bible story, but only later realized you were in a circus act?

The Virgin Mary and the Infant Christ Wrapped in Swaddling

 

The Virgin Mary and the Infant Christ Wrapped in Swaddling

By Filippo de Grado

Etching, 9 x 12.5 cm

 

The family that swaddles together, stays together.

The Virgin wih Musician Angels

The Virgin wih Musician Angels
By Abdón Castaneda
c. 1610
Oil on linen
Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia, Valencia, Spain

Hot dayem!, Squishy and his putti friends are ripped.  What kind lifting routine did they put toddlers on back in 1610?

The Trinities of Earth and Sky

The Trinities of Earth and Sky
By Andrés López
Oil on copper
13.07 x 14.17"
National Museum of Art, Mexico City, Mexico

Baby Jesus is holding a picture of adult Jesus surrounded by three other man-sized Jesus'--this painting is so postmodern.  Rosalind Krauss probably wrote an article about it.

Blessing Child

Blessing Child
Detail of a fresco in apse of the Church of St. Lorenzo, Casteldilago, Italy

A rare shot from the really early days of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Infant Christ

Infant Christ
By an unknown Polish artist
c. 1480
Tempera and gold on panel
National Museum in Warsaw, Poland

Okay, so this is a pretty fascinating depiction of a medieval baby walker, but no one's going to convince me that the rubbery worm-person pushing it is baby Jesus, or any sort of human baby at all.....

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon
16th century
Detail of Codex Vindobonensis Palatinu
Illumination

Squishy Jesus the Dragon Slayer: my new favorite sitcom!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By an unknown Russian artist
Late 17th - early 18th century
Tempera, silver and cloth on wood
32 х 2.5 х 4.3 cm
The Novodevichy Convent, Moscow, Russia

Leave it to the ever-chic Virgin Mary to wear a bottle opener as a bonnet.

The Infant Christ on the Orb of the World

The Infant Christ on the Orb of the World
By Joos van Cleve
1530
14.6 × 10.2"
Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum, Madrid, Spain

So yeah people, I can hold a contrapposto stance while balancing on a glass bowl because I'm not just the baby Jesus, I'm the mother-flippen savior of art history.

Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ

Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ
Central tympanum sculpture
Duomo di San Rufino, Assisi, Italy

Well, I don't know about you but I'd gladly attend any church with a sculpture over the door of the baby Jesus blowing up a boob-balloon from the center of Mary's chest....

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist
By William Blake
27 x 38.2 cm

Now St. Johnny, how many times do I have to warn you?  Stop being such a creeper!

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Neri di Bicci

EARTHWORM ARMS!!!!

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway
By Ernst Ewald









Q: How many winged baby angels does it take to carry a catatonic looking Christ child?

A: Three: two to carry him, and one to ring a bell in front.

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angels and Saints

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angles and Saints

By Fillipo Lippi

c. 1430

Tempera on panel, 43.7 × 34.3 cm

Museo della collegiata di Sant'Andrea, Empoli, Italy

ANGEL (kneeling in front of Mary and Squishy): Who's a cute squishy baby?  Who? Oh just wook at his widdle pink onesie!! I just want to squeeeeeze his widdle fat cheeks!!!!!"

JOSEPH: Bitch please, this baby talk is getting old.

 

 

Infant Jesus

Infant Jesus
17th century
Detail of a pendant from Poland









Cutest. Pajamas. Ever.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Neri di Bicci
1466-68
Tempera on wood
 Musée d'art et d'histoire de Genève, Geneva, Switzerland

Kid is soooooo stoned.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Gentile da Fabriano
1410
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA

SQUISHY:  Mom mom mom--the neighbor's dog pooped on the lawn again and they didn't pick it up!!!!

MARY:  No honey, that's not dog poop: those are little brown angels.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
Ivory
Museum Treasure of Aachen, Aachen, Germany

You know, I think I there's a bit of family resemblance going on here....

Maria Bründl

Maria Bründl
By Johann Philipp Ruckerbauer
1714
Detail of an altar painting in Maria Bründl church, Poysdorf, Austria

Don't you just hate it when you're photo-bombed by a praying Statue of Liberty?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Maestro di Sant'Elsino

Whoa--phantom nipple!?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice, Italy

I couldn't find a date for this painting but I believe it was made during the Pure Cartilage Appendage Age, you know, that time when people didn't have joints in their fingers or toes/

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor
By Carlo Crivelli
1470
Painting on panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington, USA

SQUISHY: Yo! This apple is bigger than my head!

MARY:  I wish the painter wouldn't make the stomach part of my dress look like a subliminal vagina.....

DONOR (lower left):  Gah--why am I so tiny?!?!!?  Next time I'm paying enough to at least be as tall as Mary's knee.

The Nativity

The Nativity
By Fastolf Master
c. 1440 - 50
Illumination on parchment from Book of Hours, use of Sarum, page size 293 x 200 mm.

Octopus bed?  Check.
Cross-eyed ox?  Check.

Mary Theotokos

Mary Theotokos
Detail of an icon

MARY (to Squishy): What is that I smell young man?  I just changed your diaper a half hour ago!

Virgin and Child between Saints Victor and Octavian

Virgin and Child between Saints Victor and Octavian
By Priamo della Quercia
1450's
Pinacoteca, Volterra, Italy

So, what do you do when your baby has a backward's head and male pattern baldness?  Give the kid a mini castle and a feather!

Joseph and Baby Jesus

Joseph and Baby Jesus
Painting on wood panel
Icon Museum, Frankfurt, Germany

What's the glory in being the son of God, when your earth daddy upstages you with such magnificent facial hair???

Nativity

Nativity
By the Master of the Pfullendorfer Altarpiece
1497-1503
Painting on wood
Städe Museum, Frankfurt, Germany

OX AND ASS:  What the feezy is that thing?

Dormition of the Theotokos Church

Dormition of the Theotokos Church
1857
Detail of a fresco in in Jankovec Monastery, Macedonia

So there you are, trying to be all holy in a monastery, and people are like "Let's hang a light bulb in front of Mary's face--she won't mind."  Occupational hazards of the Virgin Mother #1539.

Rest on the Flight into Egypt with St. John the Baptist

Rest on the Flight into Egypt with St. John the Baptist
From the workshop of Francesco Granacci
c. 1490-1500
Oil on panel, 41.7 × 31.3"
Museu Nacional de Belas Artes, Rio de Janiro, Brazil

SQUISHY: Did you hear?  Indiana and Utah's gay marriage bans were just struck down!!

ST. JOHN:  Hi five to my boo!

Virgin and Child with Saints

Virgin and Child with Saints

By Lorenzo Lotto

St. Johnny the Baptist is stealing the scene with the most epic lamb hug ever!

Our Lady of Kazan

Our Lady of Kazan
16th-17th century
Yaroslavl Museum, Yaroslavl, Russia

It's Pride Parade weekend here in Chicago and Mary and Squishy are killing it with the best headdress ever.  You go girls!  Happy Pride!!!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Bartolomeo Bulgarini
1350
Museo nazionale di Villa Guinigi, Lucca, Italy

Alternate title: Madonna of the Ambivalent Hug with Child of the Ill-Proportioned Upper Arms.

St. Joseph with the Infant Christ

St. Joseph with the Infant Christ
Unknown German artist from Gege workshop
19th century

It's Fathers Day: go give your favorite daddy a kiss and a floral headband!
 

The Virgin and Child Adoring the Infant Christ

The Virgin and Child Adoring the Infant Christ
By Filippo Lippi
Oil on panel, 24.8 × 16.9"
Musee des Beaux-Artes de Nimes, Nimes, France

It's a little know fact that Squishy, back in his Bethlehem days, auditioned for the Rockettes.

Madonna of Humility

Madonna of Humility
By Giovanni da Francia
1429 - 1439
Tempera on panel, 20.9 × 16.5"
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam, Netherlands

Squishy and Mary are whispering secrets.  I wish I could eavesdrop and hear the secret to how to drape cloth so fabulously....

Madonna and Child with Saints

Madonna and Child with Saints
By an unknown Sienese painter
17th century
Museum of Sacred Art, Certaldo, Italy

Party at the floating dog house---everyone's invited!

Nursing Virgin

Nursing Virgin
Last quarter of the 18th century 
Tempera on wood, 32.4 x 26 cm, 
Greek-Catholic Archdiocese of Aleppo, Syria

Mommy breast feeding....mummy?

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Master of Habsburger
circa 1490

SQUISHY: Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Adoration of the Kings

Adoration of the Kings
Attributed to Paolo Serafini da Modena
Third quarter of the 14th century
Tempera on panel, 9.8 × 12.6"
Sao Paolo Museum of Art, Sao Paolo, Brazil

Adoration of the Foot Fetish Kings.

The Adoration of the Shepherds

The Adoration of the Shepherds (detail)
By Jacob Jordaens
1615 - 1616
Oil on canvas, 147 x 168 cm
Collection of the National Gallery, Athens, Greece

POTATO CHEEKS!

Madonna of the Protective Coat

Madonna of the Protective Coat

Fresco

Pfarrkirche Altenmarkt

Hmmmmm.......