Theotokos and Child

Theotokos and Child
19th century
Wood, gesso and tempera, 66.4 × 51.3 cm  
Yaroslavl Art Museum, Yaroslavl, Russia

I've had pretty bad insomnia lately, and this is more or less what I look like when I get up in the morning these days.

Virgin Mary and Child on Throne with Angels

 

Virgin Mary and Child on Throne with Angels
15th century
Manuscript Illumination
From Codex Claustroneoburgensis, Stift Klosterneuburg and the Hill Museum & Manuscript Library, Klosterneuburg, Austria

See, this is what's so cool about being a savior: you can say "I want a penis-shaped throne floating on a giant pink colon."  Done.

Holy Mary Siponto

Holy Mary Siponto
Egg tempera on panel, 129 x 81 cm
Cathedral of Manfredonia, Manfredonia, Italy

Sorry to be so blunt, Mary, but the whole drag thing just isn't working out for you.  And, gotta say, nobody believes that's a real baby on your lap.  

On the other hand, you guys are totally killing the sideways silver mohawk!
 

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi

15th Century

Detail of a Book of House, Use of Évreux 

Starring Farrah Fawcett as the King of the Fabulous Feathered Hair!

Presentation in the Temple

Presentation in the Temple

After 1235

Detail of the Feriatum Psalter

Wurttemberg State Library, Stuttgart, Germany

Oh.  My.  God.  SQUISHY HAS A COMBOVER!

Icon of Jesus

Icon of Jesus

Detail of a fresco in Veljusa Monastery, Macedonia

Sorry Papa Roach, Squishy Jesus made the sign of the horns about 2000 years before you.....

Kakopetria Birth of Jesus

Kakopetria Birth of Jesus

By an unknown medieval painter in Cyprus

14th century

Fresco detail

Mary and Jesus are in the middle of some sort of hole in a giant cave.  You're gonna want to look closely at this, because climbing on the cave are tiny goats!!!

Then, lower right, enjoy a freaking awesome example of subliminal penis belly.

Mary Hodegetria

Mary Hodegetria
1500's
Historical Museum, Sanok, Poland











Our Lady of the Understache, and her son, Christ Child of the Three Adam's Apples.

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Maestro della Croce
First half of the 13th century

Uh oh, looks like Mary and Squishy forgot to get their flu shots and caught that nasty bug that's going around.

St. Anne with Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus

St. Anne with Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus
By Hans Memling
1430
Oil on oak
Bruges, Belgium

I know you've been waiting for it all year: Jesus sitting on Mary who in turn sits on Saint Anne.  It's a Squishy Jesus Turduckden!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Ambrosius Benson
1495
Oil on canvas in period frame. 65 x 50 cm
Palermo, Italy

That awkward moment when you realize your baby is actually a middle-aged man....

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Lorenzo di Bici
1405-10
Fine Art Museum of San Francisco

Yep, in fact Squishy does have his hand down Mary's shirt....

The Fountain of Life

The Fountain of Life
By Father Victor
c. 1650-1700
Icon from the Church of the Blessed Virgin in Corfu, Greece

Spitting fountain crib for the win!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
1300's
Detail of a fresco in St. Demetrius Church, Markova Sušica, Macedonia

I'm not going to fall for the old distract the viewer with a funky halo so she doesn't notice Jesus has no lower body trick this time......

Maria Lactans

Maria Lactans
From the workshop of the Master of the Mountain in the Clouds
1470's

Awww, Squishy is such an old geezer here. Not the mean "get off my lawn" kind but the type of sweet old guy that talks your ear off while your waiting for the bus.

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
Detail of a Book of Hours illuminated manuscript in the library of the University of Texas, Austin, USA

Geez-o-feakin' Pete, that's a homely baby!

And Mary's halo--is it a tambourine?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
12th Century
Detail of a fresco in the Église Saint Martin de Vic, France

Lookin' sharp with the Mother and Son matching blush and brows.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Artist unknown
Tempera on wood panel

Mary: your knees are totes amazeballs!

Squishy: better do something about your neck goiter.

The Gifts of the Magi

The Gifts of the Magi
Detail of a fresco in Clusone, Beragamo, Italy

Screw the gifts of frankincense and myrrh--what this kid needs is Rogaine!

Gifts of the Magi

Gifts of the Magi
By Conrad von Soest
Detail of an altarpiece
Wiesnenkirche, Germany

I love every awkward inch of this painting, but I must point out my favorite bit: Squishy has two calf muscle bulges.

Yes, yes, yes, people!