Presentation in the Temple

Presentation in the Temple
Detail from the Pacher Altar, St. Wolfgang Church, Salzkammergut, Austria


SQUISHY:  I've got 99 problems but not enough swaddling ain't one of them.

Pregnant Mary

Pregnant Mary
1505
Detail of an altar wing from a fragment of a Chapel in Cham (Canton train)
Swiss National Museum, Zurich

Yo Mary: I know you're a virgin and all, but didn't anyone tell you you're supposed to wear the fetus on the inside?

Nativity

Nativity
By Andrea Previtali
Between 1515 and 1520
Oil on canvas,  52.4 x 84.6"
Accademia of Venice

Looks like the ox and ass are about to have themselves a baby Jesus snack....

Holy Family with Fire

Holy Family with Fire
By Jan Cornelisz Vermeyen
1504
Painting on oak, 66.5 x 50.5 cm
Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna

This painting is awesomesauce!  What's with the weird naked baby holding a diaper in front the fire?  And the cat--have you ever seen a cat in a nativity before?

Holy Family

Holy Family
Kunstgewerbemuseum Berlin

A very Martha Graham sort of holy family.....

Virgin and Child with Red Necklace

Virgin and Child with Red Necklace

Oh man, don't let Tanning Mom get near this pair.....

Birth of Christ

Birth of Christ
By Hans Leonhard Schäufelein
1506-07
Painting on wood, 132 × 120 cm

Look beyond Mary's ginormous halo to the two guys gossiping in the wall hole.  They're saying "have you ever in you entire life seen such a ugly ox and ass?  Like where are that ox's horn coming from?!!!"

Squishy is in good form, though, in a classic cheesecake pose.

Holy Family

The Holy Family
1500's

SQUISHY to Mary: Happy Mother's Day mommy!  I love you and your fluffy tomato boobies sooooo much!!!!!!

The Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine

The Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine
by Veronese
1547
Oil on canvas, 84 x 100 cm

ST. CATHERINE to Squishy: Okay, According to tradition, you have to marry me as an infant. How about I marry you when you lose 20 pounds, deal?

SQUISHY to St. Catherine: Bitch please.  President Obama says he doesn't care who I marry.  Screw tradition.  You hear that, St. John?

The Virgin and Child with a Tonsured Supplicant and St. Catherine

The Virgin and Child with a Tonsured Supplicant and St. Catherine
By Andrea Previtali
Oil on wood, 53.3 x 69.2 cm


MARY (to Friar): Dude!  How do you get your hair like that?  It's like an eyebrow wax on your head!! Can I touch it?

Nativity

Nativity
By Upper Rhenish Master
1460
 Oil on panel, 23 1/4" x 14 1/2"
Private collection, NY

JOSEPH: *facepalm*

OX AND ASS:  WTF is going on with the perspective in this painting?!?!?!

MARY: Look at me, I'm making the "misplaced vagina" hand gesture!

Madonna and Child with Four Cherubs

Madonna and Child with Four Cherubs
By Bartholomaeus Bruyn the Elder 
Oil on wood, 48.3 x 36.8 cm 
York Museums Trust, UK

Five chubs with afros, FTW.

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
In the style Filippino Lippi 
Tempera & oil on panel, 90.1 x 89 cm 
National Museums of Liverpool

Oh you know, just hanging in transparent lingerie, holding a giant coffee bean.  Another day in the life of the son of God....

The Genealogy of Christ

The Genealogy of Christ (detail)
By Hans Holbein

Ahh spring time!  The birds are chirping and the baby Jesus and dude-wearing-crowns flowers are in bloom.

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child By a painter of the Netherlandish School
Oil on oak, 69.9 x 51.4 cm
The National Gallery, London

I don't want to read that stinky old book--I want to play with my soap bubble on a stick.  Yaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Virgin and Child in Egypt

The Virgin and Child in Egypt
By William Blake
1810
Tempera on canvas, 76.5 x 63.5 cm
The Victoria and Albert Museum, London

Seriously William Blake? Maybe you should just have stuck with poetry....

The Madonna and Child with an Attendant Angel

The Madonna and Child with an Attendant Angel
By Gherardo di Giovanni (di Miniato) del Fora
Tempera on panel, diameter 61.5 cm
Private collection

Is that a baby hippo on Mary's lap?

Put down the cherries kid, you need to go on a diet, pronto!

Virgin and Child with St. Joseph

Virgin and Child with St. Joseph
By a follower of Joos van Cleve
1500-50
Oil on wood, 43.8 x 31.8 cm
Nottingham City Galleries and Museums, UK

JOSEPH to Squishy: Hey little guy, your dad's feeling sleepy too. Time for my nap time on the booby.

Nativity

Nativity
By Andrea de Litio
1460-40
Atri cathedral, Italy

Michelin man Squishy is relaxing on his vagina-shaped mandorla inside a manager from the school of dubious architectural perspective. Extra points if you spot the owl on the roof.

Rest on the Flight to Egypt

Rest on the Flight to Egypt
By Giulio Cesare Procaccin
1625
National Gallery of Denmark

Mommy, I'm five years old now. When can I start wearing pants?