The Madonna Enthroned

The Madonna Enthroned
By A Catalan Romanesque Painter
c. 1123
Fresco
Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, Barcelona

Can you handle it? Donald Trump totally cops Squishy's style!

The Virgin Dressed as a Gypsy with Child

The Virgin Dressed as a Gypsy with Child
By Luis de Morales
1567
Mixed media on wood, 57 x 41 cm.
Collection Count Adanero, Madrid

The fact that her son is missing the lower half of his right leg does not stop Mary from wearing a righteously funky hat.

Extra points for mommy / son matching red hair styles!

Madonna and Child with St Joseph

Madonna and Child with St Joseph
By Bartolomeo Montagna
1500-10
Oil on canvas
Museo Correr, Venice

Dear Bartolomeo Montagna,

I have a question about the composition of this painting: why does Joseph has his head all low in the corner like that? Is he sniffing Squishy's belly?

Thanks in advance for your reply,

M.A.

Altarpiece of the Virgin

Altarpiece of the Virgin
By Jacques Daret
1433-35
Oil on wood, 57,5 x 52 cm
Musée du Petit Palais, Paris

So, uh, errr...what exactly are you going to do with that knife?

Virgin and Child in a Garden

Virgin and Child in a Garden
By an unknown German master
c. 1410
Oil on panel, 29 x 19 cm
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid

The title of the painting is Virgin and Child in a Garden, but it looks more like Virgin and Child in a Wicker Basket Surrounded by Surrealist Objects to me.

What the heck is that platform thingy with the spikes in the upper right corner? And more importantly, who's the dude with the floating head in the tree?

The Madonna della Salute

The Madonna della Salute
By an unknown Greek painter
12th century
Wood
Santa Maria della Salute, Venice


Okay, yeah, Squishy J is looking elderly. Very elderly. But on the plus side, he has a diploma!

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels
By Sano di Pietro,
1460-1470
El Paso Museum of Art, El Paso, Texas

OMFG: Liberace Squishy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Francesco Benaglio
1465-1472
Oil on cradled panel, 26 5/16 in. x 16 5/16 "
Memorial Art Gallery, University of Rochester, USA

In case the whole savior thing didn't work out, Squishy's back up plan was to work as a Victoria's Secret model.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Neri di Bicci













Where's the booby! I know it's in there somewhere!!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Jacopo di Cione
1300's
Palais Rosemberg, Prague

Mary tickles Squishy with her extremely long finger to distract him from the discomfort of his first case of constipation.

Nativity

Nativity
By Hans Baldung
1516
Alterpiece
Cathedral of Frieburg, Germany

Mary and a crowd of obese cherubim gather around to see the first prototype of a light up Christmas ornament.

Don't miss the ox coming out of the shadows in the upper left!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Franceso Benaglio
late 1460s
Tempera on fabric transferred from panel, 80.7 x 56.2 cm
Washington, National Gallery of Art

Oh noes Mommy--there are giant caterpillars in the sky!

Madonna del Latte

Madonna del Latte
S. Maria Annunciata, Varese, Italy

Uh, Jesus, you're getting a little old for that.

Holy Family with Five Angels

Holy Family with Five Angels
By Hans Baldung Grien
c. 1507
Painting on wood, 73.1 x 55.8 cm
Heinz Kisters Collection, Kreuzlingen, Switzerland

What's your problem--you've never seen angels with afros before?

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist
By Francesco Francia
(1510)Between 1510 and 1515
Oil on panel, 25.59 × 20.08 in
São Paulo Museum of Art, São Paulo, Brazil

Saint John the Baptist assists Squishy as he works on his pole vaulting routine in preparation for the 2016 Olympics in Rio.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Follower of Giotto
First quarter 14th century
Tempera on wood, gold ground,
24 1/4 x 16 1/2 in
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Aww, mom--why the long face?

The Translation of the Holy House of Loreto

The Translation of the Holy House of Loreto
By Saturnino Gatti
ca. 1510
Tempera and gold on wood, 33 1/4 x 21 5/8 in.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

See, here's what happened: Ronald McDonald and The Virgin Mary had a baby named Squishy McDonald. They got their son a toy church to play with. After a while Squishy McJ got bored with the church so his parents hired some angels to hold the church up in the air so he could feel like he's flying.

In the background you can also see Squishy McJ's model boat.

Madonna and Child on a Grass Bench

Madonna and Child on a Grass Bench
By Master of the Tiburtine Sibyl
ca. 1470
Oil on panel, 41.2 × 29.6 cm
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Poor Squishy! Mary and Joseph refuse to buy him a kite, so he's forced to tie a birdie on a string instead.

Madonna and Child with St. John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with St. John the Baptist
By Piero di Cosimo
c. 1500
Oil on wood, diameter 93 cm
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Strasbourg

More Squishy and SJTB love, Sumo wrestling style.

Joseph and Jesus

Joseph and Jesus
By an unknown artist
Cusco, Peru
1700's







Rare indeed: a portrait of the metrosexual father and son.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By an anonymous painter of the Lucchese School
c. 1200
Tempera and gold on wood panel
El Paso Museum of Art, USA

Dear anonymous painter of the Lucchese School,

I was wondering why people look so grim in 1200. Was it the poor dental care? Also, were there babies around then?

Thank you and best wishes,

Matti

The Virgin and Child with Angels

The Virgin and Child with Angels
by an artist of the Ferrarese School
15th Century
Tempera, oil and gold on panel, 58.50 x 44.00 cm
National Gallery of Scotland, Edinburgh

Holy moly (pun intended), this is an awesome painting! I'm loving the ye olde rusticy trompe-l'œil frame. And the angels wings--they seem less like something useful for actual flying and more like a cheap decorative accessory. Is there a Claire's Boutique for angels? Squishy is looking quite pale and sleepy. He has to hold on to his ma's belt for support.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Rogier van der Weyden
c.1460
Oil on panel
The Henry E. Huntington Art Gallery, San Marino, CA, USA

Careful, Squishy, your diaper's slipping!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Sano di Pietro
1447-49
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

Mother and son hangover.

Bummer.

The Nativity

The Nativity (detail)
by Guido da Siena
13th Century
Louvre Museum, Paris

Here's a charming nativity scene: a lady in blue lowers Mr. Squishy by his subliminal area into a giant cup. Another lady, dressed in aqua, holds a picture with dubious perspective as if she's about to dump water on Mr. S. Joseph, aka Huge Halo, is distracted and maybe a little bit grumpy that he's fathered a child with such bulgy eyes.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Joos van Cleve
1485

I loves me some mom and I loves me some mixed fruit.

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
by Sebastian from Lima
1517
Fresco
Church of San Giacomo, Livo

Boob from collarbone. Nice.

The Holy Family with the Infant St. John the Baptist

The Holy Family with the Infant St. John the Baptist

By a follower of Raffaello Sanzio

Oil on panel, 19.68 x 27.56 "

Private collection, São Paulo, Brazil

Saint John the Baptist: I love you Jesus--you look so nice in transparent lingerie!

Squishy Jesus: And I love you--you look fantastic in fur!

St. John: Someday, can I baptize you?

Squishy: Yes, and then we can get married and always always wear our matching halos!

Madonna The Belozerskaya

Madonna The Belozerskaya
By a painter from Belozersk
First half of 13th Century
Tempera on wood, 155 x 106 cm
Russian Museum, Saint Petersburg

See, there was a shortage of babies in Russia during the first half of the 13th century in Russia. Also, at that time men had smaller heads due to a vodka shortage or something. So basically, the painter here had to work with a old, balding, pin-headed man as his Jesus model. Got it?

Madonna of the Angels

Madonna of the Angels
By Master of the Castello Nativity
1445 - 1475

Alright, I want all eyes over here. Come on everyone, look at the camera. HEY! Now we only get together once a year and you can all behave for a second so I can get this shot. I see you rolling your eyes back there. Jesus, leave your chin alone and give me a smile.

DAMN IT I SAID ALL EYES ON ME...NOW SMILE!

Nativity, Adoration of the Christ Child

Nativity, Adoration of the Christ Child (detail)
By Friedrich Herlin
2nd half of 15th century
Oil on wood
The Hermitage Museum, St. Petersburg, Russia

If I were to describe this painting to someone, I'd have to use air quotes around the word baby.

Saint Anne Samotrzeć

Saint Anne Samotrzeć
By an unknown artist
National Museum in Wroclaw, Poland








See the giant lady on the throne/building? That's Anne, Mary's mom. Mary is the woman on Anne's lap whose lower body resembles a seal. And Jesus is on Mary's lap, holding his foot with one hand and a ball with a bird on it in his other hand. Good thing Anne is so big--holding too many people on your lap can tire a lady out.

Holy Kinship

Holy Kinship
by an unknown Bohemian painter
c. 1400 - 1420
Oil on panel, 27.5 " x 33.9"
Private collection

Holy kinship? More like holy baby tug-of-war.

Circumcision

Circumcision
Detail of the Altarpiece of the Twelve Apostles of Friedrich Herlin of Nördlingen
1466
Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Germany

This image captures one of the few moments when baby Jesus wished he was the daughter of God.

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels (detail)
by Ludovico Urbani
Active 1466 - 1493
Petit Palais, Avignon, France

Oh noes! Old man squishy's male pattern baldness is in the shape of an octopus.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child

By an unknown French artist

Église de Brou, Bourg-en-Bresse, France 

Since Mary has such a chi chi looking veranda, you'd think she could spring for something more elegant than an old bed sheet for a turban/cape.  And maybe a diaper for the kid, too.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Maitre de Narni
c 1409
The Church of San Agostino of Narni
Narni and Terni (near Orvieto), in Umbria, Italy

Yep, the little red-headed dude's got it now, and he's not letting it go.

Madonna of the Broom

Madonna of the Broom (detail)
by Antonello de Saliba
1498
Museo Provinciale Catanzaro

Have you ever seen a guy with a comb-over caught in the wind and that big piece of hair covering his bald spot gets blown down and covers his face?

Well, you've seen it now.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Alesso Baldovinetti
15th Century
Oil on canvas, 90 x 74 cm
Musée Jacquemart-André, Paris

So, this is more or less Jesus topiary, right?

Virgin and Child with an Angel

Virgin and Child with an Angel
by Cosimo Rosselli
about 1470
Oil and tempera on panel, 28 3/4 x 17 7/8"
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

Another carnation? Whatevs...

Adoration of the Christ Child

Adoration of the Christ Child
by Francesco Granacci
c. 1500
Tempera on wood panel
Honolulu Academy of Arts, Honolulu, USA

Mary and Joseph promise squishy Jesus that he can have a pebbles and bambam costume just like Saint John the Baptist if he promises to go on a diet.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Giovanni Baronzio
c. 1343
Petit Palais, Avignon, France

It's okay mommy. My daddy is God and he can give you a frontal lobe if I ask him.

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
By a follower of Hans Memling
1430-1494
Oil on cradled wood panel, 13.5" x 10"

Hey--preemies need milk too!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Master of the Liverpool Madonna
15th c.

Now what do we have here? A mullet? A male pattern baldness mullet? A male pattern baldness mullet bambino with subliminal penis belly?

A trifecta of greatness, people!!!!!

Mary of Grace

Mary of Grace
by Cigri
1600's

Methinks Abu's eyebrows have morphed into a mustache since he was a lad....

The Holy Kinship

The Holy Kinship
by Master of the Lille Adoration
@ 1510 - 30
Rijkmuseum, Amsterdam

Fruit..must have...fruit.....give me...........grapes.......

Virgin and Child in an Apse

Virgin and Child in an Apse
By a follower of Robert Campin
about 1480
National Gallery of Art, London

Squishy Jesus and Mary hang out in an apse while two angels serenade them with a song called Our Lady of the Miraculously Centered Breast.

Birth of Christ

Birth of Christ
by Master of the Virgo inter Virgines
c. 1500
Oil on panel, 90,5 x 68 cm
Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna, Austria

I'd like to retitle this painting The Mies van der Rohe Adoration after the minimalist-chic manger Jesus is lying in.

I'd also like to rename the attending ox The Oh My God Cow.

And finally, I'd like to give baby Jesus some crackers or something. He's looking a bit lean.

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist
by Sandro Botticelli
1490-1500
Tempera on panel, 29.12 × 29.12 in
São Paulo Museum of Art, São Paulo, Brazil

Can anyone tell me why Mary is wearing a cymbal on her head?

Madonna with Child, St. Peter and John the Baptist, Martyr

Madonna with Child, St. Peter and John the Baptist, Martyr
by Michelino da Besozzo
c 1430

Is that....is it really? A head on a plate? OMFG!

Gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Madonna with the Parrots

Madonna with the Parrots
by Hans Baldung
c. 1527-1528
Painting on wood
91.5 × 63.4 cm
Germanisches National Museum, Nuremberg

It's not commonly known that, along with an ox and ass, Jesus was adored by two green parrots. He also had a homely cherub friend to hold cobwebs away from him so folks could get a better view.

Nativity, at Night

Nativity, at Night
by Geertgen tot Sint Jans
1484-90
Oil on oak, 34 x 25 cm
National Gallery, London







Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Glowworm
Holy Glowworm so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Glowworm is born
Christ, the Glowworm is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Glowworm, Lord, at Thy birth
Glowworm, Lord, at Thy birth

The Infant Jesus in the Manger

The Infant Jesus in the Manger
Painting ceiling panel
St Martin’s Church, Zillis, Switzerland

Can't wait to taste this unusually large species of carrot!

The Gift of Kalmthout

The Gift of Kalmthout
by Goossen van der Weyden
1511
Oil on oak panel, 153 x 153 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Squishy Jesus: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Squishy: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Squishy: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

Bridgewater Madonna

Bridgewater Madonna
by Raphael Sanzio
c. 1507
Oil on wood transferred to canvas
Collection of the Earl of Ellesmere, London

Raphael, could you please paint a little bit faster? This position is totally uncomfortable. Now I know what Victoria Secret models go through....

Holy Family with Saints

Holy Family with Saints
by Alessandro Tiarini
c. 1620
Oil on canvas
The Hermitage, St. Petersburg

Ooh la la! Zee feet, zhey smells like zee feet of angels!

Salting Madonna

Salting Madonna
by Antonello da Messina
c. 1460s
Various techniques on wood, 17 x 13.5 "
National Gallery, London

Squishy Jesus, looking spiffy in his velvet suit, has a remarkably full head of hair. He looks on in amazement as two ax-blade winged angels lower a crown on his mom's head.

Really, this is a gorgeous painting, but so NOT a painting of a baby.

Holy Family with St. John the Baptist as child

Holy Family with St. John the Baptist as child
by Sodoma
1520-1530
Oil on poplar wood, top round cut: 83.5 x 58 cm
Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna

OMG Jesus, you totally have to tell me where you get those smokin' crosses. Oh come on, you can tell me, who does your decorating?

Madonna and Child with Saints

Madonna and Child with Saints (detail)
by Guido da Siena
about 1270
Gold and tempera on panel, 96 x 186 cm
Siena, Pinacoteca Nazionale

Little man is growing a mullet! And some seriously knobby knees!

At first glance I got excited and thought baby Jesus was flashing the universal sign for headbanger, but alas, on closer inspection it appears to be a peace sign.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
by the Master of the Golden Altar
c. 1425
Painting on wood panel, 68 × 52 cm
Lower Saxony State Museum, Hanover

This manger of dubious architecture is home to a bizaare scene. Joesph, peaking out from behind the left side green curtain, looks out at the three kings presenting their gifts to baby Jesus.

Jesus, he of the Ken doll crotch, fondles the beard of the King in red.

There's even room for an ox and ass in the upper right.

Mary with Child and St. Bernard

Mary with Child and St. Bernard
by the Master of the Living Mary
c. 1480
Paint on panel, 30 × 24 cm
Wallraf Richartz Museum, Cologne

A wholesome scene: red-headed, foot-crossing squishy Jesus helps Mary display her centrally located breast to a pious Saint Bernard.

Well done Jesus--here's a carnation!

Madonna

Madonna
by Paolo Uccello
c. 1445
Fresco, 57 × 33 cm
National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin

Okay son, over here, on the count of three. One....two....three....CATCH!

The Holy Family with St. John the Baptist

The Holy Family with St. John the Baptist
by Hieronymus Cock (after Andrea del Sarto)
ca. 1560
Engraving
37 x 25.2 cm, 14 1/2 x 9 7/8 in. image

I confess that my main reason for posting this image is to draw your attention to the name of the artist: Hieronymus Cock. HIERONYMUS COCK!

I'm thinking a niche-market porn dvd, buried in a stack of art history books, something like "Want to know what really happened in the Garden of Earthly Delights? Hieronymus Cock shows you all and more: upside down sex in strawberries, flutes stuffed in all orifices. No holes barred. XXX !!!!"

Presentation at the Temple

Presentation at the Temple
by Johann Koerbecke
about 1457
Oil and tempera on panel, 93.2 x 65 cm
Munster, Westfalisches Landesmuseum fur Kuntst and Kulturgeschichte

All sorts of folks-- normal sized ones in the center, pygmy sized ones on bottom and God with his bat angel entourage up above--gather about to see Jesus presented at the temple .

Could be, though, the crowd is not so interested in the actual presentation as in checking out Jesus' s freakishly lengthy midsection.

Holy Family with St John the Baptist as a Child

Holy Family with St John the Baptist as a Child
by Ambrosius Benson
1527
Panel, 83 x 65.5 cm
Private collection

Here we see Saint John the Baptist looking a bit too happy to see baby Jesus, if you know what I mean.....

Nativity

Nativity
by Pietro di Francesco Orioli
about 1494-1496
Tempera on panel, 66.5 x 49.5 cm
Private collection

Hey, I'm naked and bald, balancing myself over a half of a barrel--any chance I could get some privacy here?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Painter of Venetian circle
about 1350
Tempera and gold on panel, 41 x 31 cm
Split, Church of Our Lady of Pojisan

Not only does my ma get pregnant when she's a virgin, but she's got a special boob for me tucked in her armpit, 'kay?

Madonna Adoring the Child

Madonna Adoring the Child
by an unknown Venetian artist
circa 1450 - 60
Villa Cagnola, Varese, Italy

Okay people--we've got your combination odalisque and subliminal penis belly right here, in front of the pink mountains.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Master of Oberrheinische
1450

I'm so impressed with the way this artist perfectly matched squishy Jesus's belly to the apple Mary is holding. Now if only he had done a little something to fix Mary's flat head....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown artist
15th century
Madley Parish Church, Madley, UK

It's a relief to know that the force of nature that is the Old Man Baby Jesus has the power to cross genres into stained glass.

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Bernaert van Orley
1520s
Oil on panel, 18 x 13 1/4 in.
The J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Apparently squishy Jesus was big on propping himself up with his mom's breast.

Madonna and Blessing Child

Madonna and Blessing Child
1505-10
Tempera on canvas, 85 x 68 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Now listen up Jesus, if you don't stop squirming and pay attention to what I'm reading to you, I'll turn you into a floating baby head just like I did your brothers!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Jan Gossaert
c. 1532
Oil on panel
The National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC,

Um, awkward?!

I mean is Mary teaching Jesus to dance by dangling a biscuit in front of his face while he straddles a scroll on the arm of the chair? WTF???

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Deodato Orlandi
Panel
Musée du Louvre, Paris
1300's

In honor of the many graduates today: squishy Jesus offers you a diploma and peace.

Madonna of Humility

Madonna of Humility
Guariento di Arpo
about 1345 - 1350
Tempera and gold on panel, 13 x 6 3/4 in
The J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Now this is different: Mary's breast is an extension of her smiley-face sun brooch.......

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child

by Mabuse

Approx. 1527

Oil on panel

National Gallery, London

What exactly is squishy Jesus trying to catch?

Leave your best guess in the comment box.

The Virgin and Child in Majesty

The Virgin and Child in Majesty
by The Master of Pedret
c. 1100
Fresco
Church of Saint Joan at Tredos, Lleida, Spain

Matching mother and son double chins--so sweet for Mother's Day!

Madonna and Child with Two Donors

Madonna and Child with Two Donors
by Lorenzo Lotto
c. 1525 - 30
Oil on canvas
J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Now Mary, this is not the first time I've had to warn you about that hand.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
by Master Francke
1424
Panel
Kunsthalle, Hamburg

See, when you are the son of God, not only do guys with crowns and split goatees bring you gifts, but you and your mom get ginormous halos so everybody can tell you are holy.

Oh, and you can get a red sky if you want, too.

The Rest on the Flight into Egypt

The Rest on the Flight into Egypt
by Maerten van Heemskerck
c. 1530
Overall: 57.7 x 74.7 cm
National Gallery of Art London

My goodness, Maerten van Heemskerck, homoerotic much? At first glance I thought this was a Paul Cadmus. I'm assuming the naked-butt guy in the background is Joseph.....

Annunciation

Annunciation
by Jakob Mertens
c. 1660
Oil on canvas
St. Mary Church (Kosciól Mariacki), Cracow

Never, never in all my squishy Jesus viewing, have I ever seen a depiction of God's birth canal.

Check it out: God's on top holding a cross while baby Jesus squeezes out between two thigh-clouds. Below that Jesus, who's now holding a cross, air swims his way towards Mary. Mary receives news from angel Gabriel that she's been knocked up by God.

The Nativity

The Nativity
by Bernardo Daddi
c. 1340-80
Tempera on poplar panel, 14.1 x 12.1 cm
Wallace Collection, London

A angel ducks under the upper right of the thatched roof in this painting, desperate to rescue Jesus from living the rest of his life as a golf tee.

Saint Bernard's Vision of the Virgin and Child

Saint Bernard's Vision of the Virgin and Child
by Simon Marmion
c. 1480 - 90
Tempera and gold on parchment
J Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Helpful squishy Jesus! Here he holds the gold staff of Saint Bernard, allowing him to pray directly to to Mary's breast.

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
by Bono da Ferrara
c. 1450
Tempera on poplar panel, 74 x 50.5 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

What an exciting squishy Jesus find! Here we have rare baby version of Subliminal Penis Belly and the suggestion of pubic hair. But not only that, Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Eddy Izzard.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Marco Zoppo
c. 1467/1468
National Gallery of Art, Washington D.C.

Mr. Chin Chuck Jesus has been positively religious about his lower body workouts. Those bulging thigh muscles really come in handy for this strenuous pose: one foot on a blue pillow, one on mom's hand.

Initial D from a Book of Hours

Initial D from a Book of Hours
by Masters of Dirc van Delf
C. 1405-10
Tempera and gold on parchment
J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Here Mary and Jesus illustrate the letter D from a book of hours.

Perhaps D for "Damn, my breast is connected to my neck!" or "Damn, I'm wearing a crappy toupee"?

Madonna and Child (detail)

Madonna and Child (detail)
by Andrea di Bartolo
c. 1415
Tempera on panel
28.6 x 17.8 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Something has gone tragically wrong with the lower body of baby Jesus....just at the place where you'd think his feet would be, there's a whole other set of legs. The baby Jesus Siamese twin? Didn't I see this in the Weekly World News?

The Family of the Madonna

The Family of the Madonna
by Pietro Perugino
1500-02
Oil on wood, 296 x 259 cm
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Marseille

This painting is like one of those magic illusion drawings--you know, when you look at the painting one way you see a pretty lady and another way you see an old hag.

At first glance, this is a wholesome family scene, albeit with rather obese babies. But look again, and it's practically soft porn. For example, check out the little flasher dude in the lower right, with the male pattern baldness mohawk. I think this might be the guy who once exposed himself to me in the public library....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown Catalan master
1200-50
Wood
Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, Barcelona

Let's start with the obvious: baby Jesus has no head. However, he makes up for this by sharing his fish bowl manger with two disembodied ox and ass heads.

Upper right we see an angel with righteous eyebrows popping out of a river. Mary lounges in a sleeping bag giving the scene a thumbs up while Joseph scratches his head, wondering "Why is the background of this painting a paper towel?"

The Flight into Egypt

The Flight into Egypt
by Bernardino Jacopi Butinone
Tempera on poplar panel, 25 x 22 cm
Art Institute, Chicago

Poor baby Jesus! He doesn't care about going to Egypt--he just wants his right arm back.

Virgin Adoring the Child with Two Angels

Virgin Adoring the Child with Two Angels
by Bastiano Mainardi
1490s
Panel, diameter 32 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Shhhhhh! Be very quiet...you know it's dangerous to wake a sleepwalker.

The Virgin Appearing to St Hyacinth

The Virgin Appearing to St Hyacinth
by Lodovico Carracci
1594
Oil on canvas, 375 x 223 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Heaven (or Saint Hyacinth) only knows what sudden breeze is making Squishy Jesus's strategic bit of drapery flutter so fetchingly.....

Marriage of St Catherine

Marriage of St Catherine
by Lorenzo Veneziano
1360
Panel, 93 x 58 cm
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice

In the early years, Jesus wanted to grow up to be Superman, but he eventually settled on being a different sort of Saviour.

Holy Family with the Infant St John

Holy Family with the Infant St John
by Bernardino Luini
Panel, 100 x 84 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Squishy Jesus and Saint John the Baptist embrace with joy as they hear the news that they can now be legally married in Iowa!

Nativity

Nativity
by Francesco di Giorgio Martini
c. 1470
Panel, 52 x 57 cm
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Jesus reclines odalisque-style while flashing a peace sign in a severely rustic landscape.

OMG! That's not a red hat Joseph is wearing--it's a teeny ox and ass.

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist
by Marco Palmezzano
Oil on panel, 65 x 52 cm
Private collection

Ah, baby Jesus. So young, so erudite!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Pedro Berruguete
c. 1475
Oil on wood, 65 x 52 cm
Private collection

Here baby Jesus expresses what can only be described as breast ambivalence. "Breast milk again? Meh. I'd rather hold your pinky finger."

The Nativity (detail)

The Nativity (detail)
by Bernat Martorell
1440s
Panel
Collection Lippmann, Berlin

Mary and Joseph, afraid that baby Jesus may one day, like Moses, find himself floating down the Nile river, took the precautionary measure of having a small canoe actually built around their son's body.

No. 18 Scenes from the Life of Christ: 2. Adoration of the Magi

No. 18 Scenes from the Life of Christ: 2. Adoration of the Magi
by Giotto di Bondone
1304-06
Fresco, 200 x 185 cm
Cappella Scrovegni (Arena Chapel), Padua

Baby Jesus has this mummy-plus-cape thing going on in Giotto's nativity, which is all right. But what is the deal with the dorky camels? Do camels have bangs any way?

Madonna and Child with two Votaries

Madonna and Child with two Votaries
by Paolo Veneziano
c. 1325
Tempera on panel, 142 x 90 cm
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice

Did you know that before the invention of car seats, mothers transported their children on top of platters?

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
by Bernaert de Ryckere
Oil on panel, 66 x 50 cm
Private collection

Squishy Jesus does his best Statue of Liberty while a flabby, 40ish Saint John the Baptist simultaneously grasps his cross.

It looks like hair is sticking up on Jesus's head, but really it's post-halo radiance.

What's up with rocking cradle thingy Jesus is standing on?

Rest on the Flight to Egypt, panel from Grabow Altarpiece

Rest on the Flight to Egypt, panel from Grabow Altarpiece
by Master Bertram
1383
Paint on wood
Kunsthalle, Hamburg

Sometimes I wish I could talk with an artist, and in this case I have a few burning questions for Master Bertram:

1. Okay, so thing in Jesus's mouth is obviously a breast. So what the heck in Joseph's mouth--a detachable breast?

2. Mary and Joseph are fleeing to Egypt, so what is the key for that's dangling from his man-purse?

3. Why is Joseph holding a cymbal? Perhaps to entertain the family on that long donkey ride to Egypt?

4. Why are Mary's hands so huge?

5. Why does Mary get a fancy polka dot halo but not Jesus?

5. Why is the donkey eating a ball of dirt?

6. Does Jesus have a buzz cut, or a toupee?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Joos van Cleve
Oil on canvas transferred from wood, 43 x 32 cmThe Hermitage, St. Petersburg

When you're learning to walk, a breast can be a great thing to hold on to...........

Nativity

Nativity
by Lorenzo Costa
Tempera on wood
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Lyon

Darling, I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day.

The Circumcision of Christ

The Circumcision of Christ
by Hans Leonhard
1505-06
Wood, 26 x 15 cm
Christian Museum, Esztergom

Too bad this is such a crappy reproduction. Trust me, you're going to want to zoom in for the creepy details as Jesus goes under the knife.

Now come on! No one could possibly believe this small person getting his foreskin sliced is a baby. Not even the simple-looking peasant with the red hat....

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bramantino
c. 1520
Poplar panel, 61 x 47 cm
Pinacoteca di Brera, Milan

Help, help, somebody help me please! My head is shrinking!

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine, St John the Baptist, St Antony Abbot

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine, St John the Baptist, St Antony Abbot
by Michelino da Besozzo
c. 1420
Tempera on wood, 75 x 58 cm
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena

Here we see Jesus proving his love for Saint Catherine by giving her a ginormous ring.

It's all about the gold in this painting: the ring is gold, the hat-halos are gold, the chair is gold and the figures sort of float in a sea of goldness. I think the artist had a fun time rendering all the different skin tones, too.

Is that a rat in the lower right corner? Or a tiny pig?

French Bible of Hainburg

French Bible of Hainburg
by a French Minaturist
1300-20
Illumination on parchment
Episcopal Library, Pécs

Who knew that Hermey the Misfit Elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer posed as baby Jesus early in his career? I wonder if baby Jesus ever wanted to be a dentist? Or a gay icon?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by El Greco
1594-1604
Oil on canvas, 107 x 69 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

There's all sorts of strangeness in this mannerist painting. First of all, it appears that Mary is sitting on the lap of both her parents. Then there's Jesus's spherical head with its wicked case of male pattern balding and his weird Michael Jackson nose. And Saint John the Baptist? WTF is the deal with his, um, area? Mangina?

The Birth of Jesus

The Birth of Jesus
by Master of the AB Monogram
c. 1530
Oil on lime wood panel, 42 x 40 cm
Gemäldegalerie, Dresden

Here we see Joseph, Mary and a crowd of nekkid angels gathered around a glowing fire.

Wait a minute, that's not a fire--it's baby Jesus!

Holy Family with St Barbara and the Infant St John

Holy Family with St Barbara and the Infant St John
by Paolo Veronese
1770s
Oil on canvas, 86 x 122 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Oh my, I don't even know where to begin with this painting. I mean, it is lovely, but then there's the penis holding and the foot sniffing.....

The Virgin of Humility

The Virgin of Humility
by Cenni di Francesco di Ser Cenni
1375-80
Tempera on panel, 77 x 51 cm
Fundación Colección Thyssen-Bornemisza, Pedralbes

Could that be? No......well, maybe. Yes, it is, it really is a tiny breast Jesus is holding!

Mystic Marriage of St Catherine

Mystic Marriage of St Catherine
by Lorenzo Lotto
1524
Oil on wood, 98 x 115 cm
Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica, Rome

Is it just me, or does Jesus strongly resemble Saint Jerome's fugly lion?

The Lactation of St Bernard

The Lactation of St Bernard
by Master IAM of Zwolle
1480-85
Engraving, 320 x 241 mm
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

So Saint Bernard is hanging out in a lovely Gothic cathedral, reading the bible with his trusty miniature lion by his side. Suddenly, Mary and Jesus appear and Mary squirts Bernard on the forehead with her breast milk.

Jesus is totally chill with the milk projectile situation--he maintains his good posture throughout.

Madonna Enthroned

Madonna Enthroned
by Bartolomeo Vivarini
1482
Panel
Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari, Venice

Do yo shuffle, Squishy Boy!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Francesco di Giorgio Martini
c. 1472
Panel, 75 x 51 cm
Musée du Petit Palais, Avignon

Leave your answer in the comments field: who's uglier in this painting, Mary or Jesus?

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bernhard Strigel
c. 1505
Panel
Germanisches Nationalmuseum, Nuremberg

The banner over Joseph's head is Latin for "Now Son, if I've told you once I've told you 1000 times, stop wearing my shirts!"

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Stefano di Sant'Angnese
1370s
Panel
Santa Maria del Rosario (Gesuati), Venice

Mom, why do you want me to pull your finger?

The Birth of Christ

The Birth of Christ
by Hans Multscher
1437
Panel, 148 x 140 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Townspeople, angels, Joseph and the ubiquitous ox and ass crowd around the manger in this nativity scene.

Poor Mary raises her hands in horror, shocked to find she's given birth to a slug.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Giotto di Bondone
1297
Tempera on wood
Private collection

Check it out: Easter Island Jesus!

Nativity

Nativity
by Francesco di Giorgio Martini
1490-95
Wood, 239 x 209 cm
San Domenico, Siena

Martini makes an interesting, if bizarre, choice to place the nativity in classical ruins.

You'd think he would give Squishy Jesus something a bit more comfortable than a broken off piece of building to recline on....

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine
Sodoma II
1539-40
Oil on panel, 95 x 76 cm
Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica, Rome

No, that's not the name of a porn star--in fact Sodoma II is the painter of this portrait of Jesus marrying Saint Catherine.

I'm not totally convinced that Sodoma II could figure out how to properly paint the ring going on Catherine's finger, so he just left a blobby, blurry bit. I'm also not convinced that's a baby's body--what, were there no babies in 1540? Were artists forced to hire 30 year old weight-lifting models to stand in for the Baby Jesus?

Madonna with Blessing Child

Madonna with Blessing Child
by Giovanni Bellini
1475-80
Oil on panel, 78 x 56 cm
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice

Keep that pinky finger under control, Mary!

Historia Anglorum

Historia Anglorum
by an English Miniaturist
c. 1250
Illumination on parchment, 356 x 238 mm
British Museum, London

There are times when I wonder if the artist has actually ever seen a baby. You know, a new born human child? One that isn't wearing a toupee?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Pieter Pauwel Rubens
1620-24
Oil on wood, 65 x 48 cm
Musées Royaux des Beaux-Arts, Brussels

Good lord (no pun intended) Jesus, could you possibly be more gay?

Marriage of Saint Catherine

Marriage of Saint Catherine
by an Unknown Hungarian Master
c. 1500
Tempera on wood, 101,5 x 73 cm
Hungarian National Gallery, Budapest

Here Jesus, a homely little dude, slips a wedding ring on Catherine's finger, making her a life-long bride of Christ.

In the lower right hand corner, Saint Margaret has a pet dragon on a leash. Saint Barbara, lower left, has a toy castle tower.

Saints: total freaks.

Virgin and Child with St Anne

Virgin and Child with St Anne
by Antoon Claeissens
Oil on panel, 122 x 94 cm
Private collection

Here's a nice family portrait: Saint Anne, her daughter Mary, and Mary's son, Mr. Invisible Clothes.

Adoration of the Child

Adoration of the Child
by Hieronymus Bosch
Oil on wood, 66 x 43 cm
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

Is it just me, or are the ox and the ass abnormally interested in the birth of Jesus? Also, who exactly is the guy holding the strange tool, peaking out from behind the tapestry? Who are the men behind Mary's left shoulder warming themselves at the fire? Why does the ox have '80's bangs?

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi
by Bartolo di Fredi
1385-88
Tempera on panel, 195 x 163 cm
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena

Here come a whole plethora of kings and fancily dressed people to kiss the foot of Jesus, but all he can think is "Man, those are some dumb-ass looking horses!"

The Holy Family with Young Saint John

The Holy Family with Young Saint John
by Domenico Beccafumi
c. 1530
Oil on panel, diameter 84 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Look Ma--I can make a muscle!

Birth of Jesus

Birth of Jesus
by Master Francke
1424
Panel, 99 x 89 cm
Kunsthalle, Hamburg

Did you know that when Jesus was born, God opened a rip in the sky and shot down beams of radience directly from his beard onto Jesus?

It's true, just ask the beheaded ox and ass!

St Wolfgang Altarpiece: Circumcision

St Wolfgang Altarpiece: Circumcision
by Michael Pacher
1479-81
Wood, 173 x 140,5 cm
Parish Church, Sankt Wolfgang

Under the circumstances, Jesus is pretty chill, red 'fro and all.

Madonna and Child with St Peter Martyr

Madonna and Child with St Peter Martyr
by Lorenzo Lotto
1503
Wood panel, 55 x 87 cm
Museo Nazionale di Capodimonte, Naples

Squishy Jesus is looking depressed in this painting, which is totally understandable. How would you like to hang out with a guy with a knife stuck in his head and a sword in his heart?

St Bridget and the Vision of the Nativity

St Bridget and the Vision of the Nativity
by Niccolo di Tommaso
after 1372
Tempera on wood, 44 x 54 cm
Pinacoteca, Vatican

That's Saint Bridget in the lower right having a vision of Jesus's birth. Mary has taken off her cloak and shoes, and given birth to her skinny son. (Um, what's with the trend with baby Jesus having breasts?) Mary and Jesus have matching brown mandorlas to show just how holy they are. Joseph has extraordinarily long fingers.

It's kind of hard to see in this reproduction, but two befuddled shepherds are receiving the news of Jesus's birth in the upper right from one of the many big-nosed angels.

Madonna and Child (The Large Cowper Madonna)

Madonna and Child (The Large Cowper Madonna)
by Raffaello Sanzio
1508
Oil on wood, 81 x 57 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Mom, can I borrow your bra? Mine's too tight!

Gualino Madonna

Gualino Madonna
by Duccio di Buoninsegna
after 1285
Tempera on wood, 157 x 86 cm
Galleria Sabauda, Turin

You know, it's never to early to start with the Rogaine...

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Joos van Cleve
Wood, 52,5 x 42 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

"Oh mom" Jesus complains, "you know I'm sick of wine! Can't I for once just have apple juice in a sippy cup?"

The Holy Family with St Elizabeth and the Infant St John the Baptist

The Holy Family with St Elizabeth and the Infant St John the Baptist
by Bartolomeo Passerotti
c. 1572
Oil on copper, 29 x 22 cm
Private collection

Squishy (and chubby) Jesus whispers in the ear of Saint John the Baptist of The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. In addition to their love, Jesus and John share charming elbow dimples and pink-tinged buttocks.

Two angels embrace in the background of the painting, as if in sympathy.

Madonna and Child with the Infant St John

Madonna and Child with the Infant St John
by Martino Piazza da Lodi
c. 1515
Oil on panel, 32 x 24 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest


I understand that squishy Jesus and Saint John the Baptist are spiritually close, but why do artists make them look like they are making out?

Adoration of the Child

Adoration of the Child
by Master of the Polling Panels
1444
Panel
Germanisches Nationalmuseum, Nuremberg

A seriously fugly Mary adores her chesty, beady-eyed child surrounded by miniature angels in this landscape painting. Behind the manger rendered with the artist's dubious idea of perspective, Joseph repairs a fence. To the rear of Joseph, an angel announces the birth of Christ to shephards tending their sheep beside a castle.

Virgin of the Vine Trellis

Virgin of the Vine Trellis
by Hans Baldung Grein
Panel
Musée de l'Oeuvre de Notre Dame, Strasbourg

Another bible story you may not be familiar with is depicted in this painting--the one where a winged baby wakes up Jesus and says "Hey man, want a grape?"

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Piero della Francesca
Panel, 62 x 53 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Here are two things you may not have heard about the baby Jesus:

1. All his fingers are the same length.
2. His penis is actually a button.

The Holy Family with Sts Elisabeth and John the Baptist

The Holy Family with Sts Elisabeth and John the Baptist
by Francesco Primaticcio
1541-43
Oil on slate, 43,5 x 31 cmThe Hermitage, St. Petersburg

A pale Jesus and a suntanned Saint John the Baptist arm wrestle in what appears to be an outdoor stadium. (Do you remember a stadium in the Nativity story?)

Mary's hands should not be missed in this painting--be sure and zoom in on them.

The Madonna in Majesty (detail)

The Madonna in Majesty (detail)
by Cimabue
1285-86
Tempera on panel, 91 x 75 cm (full painting: 385 x 223 cm)
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Mary would like you to know that there's absolutely NOTHING funny about Jesus's ears.

Holy Family (Borgherini)

Holy Family (Borgherini)
by Andrea del Sarto
c. 1529
Oil on wood, 135 x 100 cm
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

In this crowded scene Saint John the Baptist holds up a globe with baby Jesus, while a hand comes around from the background to hold - his crotch -??!!!

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)
by Albrecht Durer
1496
Oil on canvas, 117 x 96,5 cm
Gemäldegalerie, Dresden

Weird, semi-transparent angels lower a crown onto Mary's head, while she prays over squishy Jesus.

What's unclear is why a Flemish style home can be seen out the window (in Bethleham?) and why a wee little guy with no pants is waving a mop over the sleeping Jesus.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Master of Female Half-length
Oil on panel, 40 x 29 cm
Private collection

OMG, Master of Female Half-length is the best artist name ever! I am so ready to take this as my own artist name and crank out portraits of baby Jesus hanging out, holding a pear, propped up by a breast.

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors
by Master of the Legend of St. Ursula
1486
Oil on oak panels, 28 x 21 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

Can someone explain to me why baby Jesus is so often depicted with a red 'fro? (See previous post, for example.)

Here Jesus kind of looks like a cheap doll whose limbs are poorly stuck in his sockets, though the donors on the right don't seem to mind.

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)
by Lambert Lombard
Oil on panel, 104 x 110 cm
Rockox House, Antwerp

Jesus has quite a profile in this painting (not to mention his armpit hair).

Mary has henna on her feet.

Good times.

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
by Pietro di Giovanni d'Ambrogio
c. 1445
Tempera on wood
Museo d'Arte Sacra, Asciano

Perfect for Christmas Eve: another swaddling-gone-wrong nativity.

This is a great painting for animals. Notice the ox and the cross-eyed ass with their co-mingled ears looking in on Jesus in his swaddling tube. There's an owl on top of the super-neat manger door. And what the heck is that animal in the lower right corner? Lion-poodle-sheep?

Madonna and Child with Donors

Madonna and Child with Donors
by Gentile Bellini
c. 1460
Panel, 74 x 46 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Despite the peace sign, it's not all hippy love with Jesus--he's fed up with the ugly pair of donors and is kicking them away. Mary looks on with a smirk just like her son's. (They also apparently share the same eyebrow pencil...)

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels
by Jean Fouquet
c. 1450
Wood, 93 x 85 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

This is a rare documentation of the early days of breast enhancement. Baby Jesus, oblivious to his mother's spheres, points off to the side at giant tassels. Red and blue angels complete the bizarre scene.

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds
by Bartolo di Fredi
c. 1383
Tempera and gold on wood, 50 x 35 cm
Pinacoteca, Vatican

Jesus the mummy lies on stone slab in a strange cave-like structure. He appears mesmerized by a sort of bird laser, much to the amusement of the ox and the ass.

Up above, an angel choir sings while on the right, one angel breaks out to announces the birth of Jesus to shepherds, causing one to scratch his head in wonder.

The same shepherds can be seen in the foreground, worshiping Jesus with their cartoonish dog. What happened to the sheep?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Francesco Squarcion
c. 1460
Poplar panel, 82 x 70 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Oh freaky, bulgy-eye Jesus, why do you have a muscle-man arm?

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim
by Joos van Cleve
Wood, 109 x 74 cm
Musées Royaux des Beaux-Arts, Brussels

It's the Squishy Jesus family! Mary on the right (Mom), Anne in the middle (Grandma), and Joachim on the left (Grandpa).

Jesus gets his red hair from Grandpa and his pasty complexion from Mom. Altogether, it's too much for him and he's passed out....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown Flemish master
c. 1400
Tempera on wood, 33 x 21 cm
Museum Mayer van den Bergh, Antwerp

Here a chesty Jesus is observed closely by an unattractive ox and ass, while Mary reclines on a sleeping bag, using her halo as a pillow. Joseph cuts up one of his socks and God gives his blessing to the scene from the heavens above.

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bernaert van Orley
1522
Oil tempera on wood, 90 x 74 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

After the previous painting showing Squishy Jesus running from Mary, I thought it would be nice to show him running towards her. Apparently, Jesus has been running to Mary's breast quite a bit, since he's looking mighty chubby.

Jesus looks up at the crown a helpful angel is placing on Mary's head. The artist has signed and dated the painting in a trompe l’oeil scrap of paper resting in lower right corner.

The Holy Family with Angels

The Holy Family with Angels
by an unknown German master
c. 1425
Oak, 25 x 19 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Do yourself a favor and spend a long time looking at the enlargement of this painting. The holy family is certainly busy, with Jesus in the center walking (not crawling) away from Mary waving 'bye.

Joseph, aka Santa Claus, is at work with his carpentry tools, while Mary holds a bowl of food. Mary's brocade bed is luxurious, yet her mangy hut is falling apart. Handy angels repair the hut and apparently need a ladder despite being able to fly. More angels in the foreground carry water to a tub covered by a blue shower curtain.

Virgin and Child with Two Angels

Virgin and Child with Two Angels
by Piero di Cosimo
1505-10
Panel, 116 x 85 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Squishy Jesus just can't help himself from jumping in to assist a very vapid angel play a lute.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Geertgen tot Sint Jans
Oak, 81 x 52 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Here's a nice variation on the convenient tit theme: Baby Jesus is the one with the breasts.

Triptych (detail)

Triptych (detail)
by an unknown German master
1410-40
Tempera on oak, 85,3 x 95 cm
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

This painting depicts the holy kinship, which is a gathering of all the relatives of Jesus.

You can tell they are conversing by the banners coming out of their heads. Even the naked, Ken-and-Barbie-crotched babies are chatting. The babies with the halos are Jesus and Saint John the Baptist.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Vincenzo Foppa
1460s
Poplar, 57 x 41 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Hey it's supposed to be Baby Jesus, not overweight middle-aged Jesus with gold sash.

Madonna on a Crescent Moon in Hortus Conclusus

Madonna on a Crescent Moon in Hortus Conclusus
by an unknown German Master
1450s
Oak, 95 x 62 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Jesus blesses all the little people who helped him get where he is today.

Meanwhile, Mary sits on a Moon, and her robe has tiny flames around the edges. The bushes in the garden surrounding her are full of stars.

Madonna with the Child

Madonna with the Child
by Luis de Morales
Oil on wood, 71,5 x 52 cm
The Hermitage, St. Petersburg

It's not widely publicized, but Quentin Crisp actually began his career posing as the Baby Jesus.

The Burning Bush (detail)

The Burning Bush (detail)

by Nicolas Froment

1476

Wood

Cathedrale Saint Sauveur, Aix-en-Provence

Homely baby Jesus with an abnormally large ear holds a small painting of himself on his mother's lap.

Mary has a naughty expression--could be she's thinking about her own burning bush, if you get my drift.

The Virgin and Child before a Firescreen

The Virgin and Child before a Firescreen

by Master of Flémalle

1430

Oil on wood, 63 x 49 cm

National Gallery, London

Another centerfold squishy Jesus! Jesus reclines odalisque fashion on Mary's arm while the firescreen behind her head forms a halo.

Look closely at the corners on the edge of the bench at the two nifty carved lions.

Woman of the Apocalypse

Woman of the Apocalypse
by an unknown German master
1390s
Oak, 32 x 20 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

This Madonna is known as the Woman of the Apocalypse because she's stamping on a moon and a smiley-face sun.

Zoom in on Mary's weird dead hand holding her freaky skinny baby. Definitely apocalyptic.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
by Marco Zoppo
1455
Wood transferred to canvas, 89 x 72 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Jesus wears his halo like a hat in this painting, but the putti surounding him really steal the show. What's up with the putti on either side of Jesus and Mary? It's like they are posing for Playboy.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Bernaert van Orley
c. 1515
Oil on wood, 59 x 38,5 cm
Landesmuseum, Oldenburg

Mary stands in a very symmetrical room, looking down with adoration at her Baby Jesus. She would do anything for him, including moving her breast to the center of her chest.....

Virgin and Child with Two Angels

Virgin and Child with Two Angels
by Ambrogio Bergognone
1480-85
Panel, 37 x 28 cm
Museo Poldi Pezzoli, Milan

In this painting, Baby Jesus returns to Mary after a night of debauchery with two hung-over angels. The angel on the right smeared her lipstick getting sick outside the manger.

Triptych: Adoration of the Magi

Triptych: Adoration of the Magi
by Pieter Coecke van Aelst
Oil on panel, 89 x 57 cm (central), 89 x 25 cm (each wing)
Private collection

Baby Jesus appears pregnant with his own baby--possibly the second virgin birth?

If you google this artist you can see he was big on Adoration of the Magi scenes. Don't you wish your name was Pieter Coecke van Aelst?

Retable of the Virgin of Montserrat

Retable of the Virgin of Montserrat
by Bartolomé Bermejo
c. 1485 Panel
Cathedral, Acqui Terme

Whoa, Baby Jesus has his head on sideways! And a bird on a string!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Alessio Baldovinetti
1460-65
Wood, 106 x 75 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

In this painting, Baby Jesus manages to free himself from bondage while balancing a plate-halo on his head.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child

by Francesco Benaglio

1480s

PanelMuseo Correr, Venice

The Madonna prays over a rather odalisque-like Jesus with a strategically placed bit of drapery.

I'm not certain if the red stuff on his head is hair or a football helmet from the 1920's.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by the Master of the St. Bartholomew Altar
1510s
Panel, 30 x 20,3 cm
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

This is one amazing squishy Jesus! His body is rather unfortunately like a spider. Mary is not much to look at either--what's up with the breast coming right out from under the collar bone? Her fingers are quite long and resemble Jesus's limbs.

Look closely for the walnut on the table beneath Mary and Jesus.

Virgin and Child Enthroned

Virgin and Child Enthroned
by Master of Magdalen
c. 1290
Tempera on panel, 117 x 87 cm
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid

Mary and Old Man Baby Jesus are held aloft by two angels, nicely complemented by two tiny saints in the lower corners.

Virgin and Child with the Infant St John the Baptist

Virgin and Child with the Infant St John the Baptist
by Luis de Morales
c. 1550
Oil on canvas, 120 x 80 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Jesus and St John the Baptist are, um, rather close in this painting.

OMG! St. John has a teeny lamb for his attribute.

Madonna with Donor and St Mary Magdalene

Madonna with Donor and St Mary Magdalene
by an unknown Flemish master
c. 1475
Oil on panel, 56 x 49 cm
Musée d'Art Religieux et d'Art Mosan, Liège

Please, please enlarge this image and have a look at just how weird these figures are. Jesus's lower body seems to belong to a whole different baby. Also, don't miss the snowflake-like halos and Jesus playing cat's cradle with a rosary.

The Madonna before the Cathedral

The Madonna before the Cathedral
by Jean Fouquet
1452-60
Illumination
Musée Condé, Chantilly

In this illumination, a very fair Jesus nurses under an absolutely gorgeous Gothic arch. A vaguely Mongoloid choir provides the background music.

Madonna Enthroned with Four Saints

Madonna Enthroned with Four Saints
by Rosso Fiorentino
1518
Oil on wood, 172 x 141 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Um, Baby Jesus, maybe you're a little young for false eyelashes.....

The Adoration of Jesus

The Adoration of Jesus
by Master of the Trebon Altarpiece
Before 1380
Tempera on spruce, 127 X 96.3 cm
Alsová Jihoceská Galeria, Hluboká

There are times when swaddling clothes get a little out of hand. In this case, Jesus is swaddled like a glow worm from his feet up to his halo.

There's so much great detail in this painting: the pigeons on the roof, the angel announcing the birth of Jesus with a banner, the wee shepherds in the foreground and the weird grazing animals.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child

by Paolo di Giovanni Fei

Tempera on wood, 34 1/4 x 23 1/4 in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Baby Jesus simultaneously holds a sideways breast and his foot. Mary is quite relaxed, even though her breast is coming out of her shoulder....

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Master of the St. Bartholomew Altar
1470s
Tempera on oak panel, 30,5 x 23 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

A better title for this might be The Unfortunate Family. Unfortuately, Jesus favors his parents.....

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Don Silvestro dei Gherasducci
1365-70
Tempera on wood, 49 x 31 cm
Private collection

Baby Jesus is long and lean like his mother, with a distinct case of male pattern baldness.

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi

by an unknown German Master

1420

Tempera on pine, 100 x 81 cm

Hessisches Landesmuseum, Darmstadt

Are the Magi kissing or smelling the foot of Jesus?

The perspective on this painting is exciting--notice the hut is seen both from an overhead perspective (bird's eye) and an underneath perspective (worm's eye). And look at Joseph in the lower left corner cooking with a tiny pan over a tiny fire.

Circumcision

Circumcision
by Giotto di Bondone
1304-06
Fresc