St. Luke Painting the Virgin

St. Luke painting the Virgin
By Martin van Heemskerk
Painting on wood, 168 x 236 cm
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Rennes, France

Yeah, so maybe a lot of people painted the Virgin and Child, but how many of them did it while sitting on an ox????????

The Presentation in the Temple

The Presentation in the Temple
Detail of the prophet Simeon holding the infant Christ
By William Peckitt
Stained Glass
1767
Oriel College Chapel, Oxford, England

SIMEON: Oy vey!

SQUISHY: Whatev.

Nativity

Nativity
By Scoliao di Giovanni
Painting on panel, 122.9 x 67.2 cm
Moretti Fine Art, New York

I'm changing the title of this to The Avalanche Nativity because of the apparent avalanche of snow sliding down the mountain in the background to cover the ox and ass. (Fortunately one of the shepherd's have punched a hole in the snow so they can breathe).

And there's Big-Belly-Baby-Jesus at the bottom of the avalanche on a glowing beach towel---nice!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Giovanni Bellini
1475
Oil on canvas

MARY TO SQUISHY: I don't care if you practice all day, I'm not going to let you audition for American Idol!

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By da Cremona Girolamo
Oil on canvas

Is that an actual baby Mary is holding or an inflatable baby Jesus beach toy?

Madonna and Child with Saints Francis and Sebastian

Madonna and Child with Saints Francis and Sebastian

By Carlo Crivelli

1491

Oil and egg on poplar, 175 x151 cm

National Gallery, London

Poor baby Jesus is scared to death and clinging to mom, and who can blame him?

Don't you kind of wonder how St. Sebastian keeps his hair so nice when he's all shot up with arrows?

Don't you kind of wonder why there's a pickle hanging to the left of St. Sebastian's head?

Geburt Christi

Geburt Christi
By an anonymous German artist
1330
Tempera and gold on oak, 10.43 × 7.28"
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne, Germany

O. M. F. G.

I think I may have peed myself a little.

First, there's Squishy, whose green swaddling makes him closely resemble a piece of okra.

And Mary, well her lower body is so huge I at first thought it was a red mountain range.

Finally, the ox and ass: they only come up to Mary's ankle. Squeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madonna and Child with St. John

Madonna and Child with St. John
By Bernardino di Betto
c. 1486
Tempera on panel, 31 x 23 "
Museo del Capitolo del Duomo, Citta di Castello, Italy

Oh baby Jesus you are so not pulling off the balding mullet. Get yourself some Rograine and a haircut, QUICK!

Holy Family

Holy Family
By Cesare Veceillo
Oil on canvas, 70.5 x 40 cm








Ooooohh The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! I can't put it down!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Bernardino Luini
Oil on canvas

I'm lovin' the fauxhawk on you Squishy!

Madonna and Child with St. John

Madonna and Child with St. John
By Raffaello Sanzio
1504
Painting
State Museum, Berlin

ST. JOHN: Squishy, my friend, you are gettin' chub! Have you tried the low carb diet? I went low carb last month and I'm already down one hair shirt size!

SQUISHY: For reals? Man I am kicking white bread to the curb!

The Flight into Egypt

The Flight into Egypt
By Juan de Borgono
Oil on canvas

Ooooo-kaaay. So when you're in the midst of your flight into Egypt, what you got to do is stop to pick miniature coconuts off a tree. And you wear your halo like a kind of pizza hat.

Oh, and if you look closely, your donkey has sideburns....

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Giovanni di Paolo
1440-45
Tempera on wood, 35 x 25 cm
Lindenau Museum, Altenburg

Seriously, did they not have diapers back in 1440? 'Cause I don't even want to know how it used to smell.......

Nativity

Nativity
1493
Tempera on wood
Right wing of an alterpiece in the church of St. Peter and Paul, Oberageri, Swizerland

It's a classic and fantastic nativity! Awkward architecture: check. Floating ox and ass heads: check. 70's bathroom wallpaper background: check.

Triptych of the De Visscher van der Gheer Family

Triptych of the de Visscher van der Gheer family (detail)
By Jan van Scorel
Alterpiece

Listen up little man: when you grow up we're gonna make you do all kinds of crazy stuff to prove you're the saviour. But before you walk on water, first you have to practice your tight rope walking....

Virgin Mary Suckling the Infant Christ

Virgin Mary Sucking the Infant Christ
Detail of stained glass from the Newcastle Cathedral, Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Convenient tit: now in convenient stained glass form!

St Christopher with the Infant Christ and St Peter

St. Christopher with the Infant Christ and St Peter

By Cima da Conegliano

1504-06

Oil on poplar panel, 73 x 56 cm

Private collection

SQUISHY: When I grow up, I want to be a hairstylist.

ST. CHRISTOPHER: Oh damn--you can see my tighty-whiteys.

ST. PETER: I got the big keys, I got the big keys!

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi

1459-69

Detail of a fresco on the Northern wall of St. Mary Mesocco, Tessin, Switzerland

Aha! Another winner from the School of Dubious Architecture. The manger is a wicker basket and the king on right is apparently taken from a chess piece.

Madonna and Child with Saints

Madonna and Child with Saints
By Lucca Signorelli
1484
Panel, 221 x 189 cm
Museo dell'Opera dell Duomo, Perugia

Um, Jesus, your lute player has a serious beer gut.

St. Christopher

St. Christopher
By Jusepe de Ribera
1637
Oil on canvas, 127 x 100 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

St. Christopher to Squishy: Look dude, according to legend I carry you across a river. Nowhere does it say I teach you to bowl.