The Infant Christ Distributing Bread to the Pilgrims

The Infant Christ Distributing Bread to the Pilgrims
By Esteban Murillo
1678
Oil on canvas, 86.22 x 71.65 "
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest, Hungary

PILGRIMS: Hey kid, don't you have any gluten free bread?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Master of the Castello Nativity
Between 1448 and 1450
Oil on panel, 26.6 x 18.5"
Lower Saxony State Museum, Hannover, Germany

SQUISHY: All of you people out there laughing at the size of my equipment are going straight to H-E-double hockey stick!

Nativity

Nativity
By Dieric Bouts the Elder
1445
Oil on wood, 80 x 56 cm
Musee del Prado, Madrid

SQUISHY: Hey guys....guys?!?!!? Considering that it's my birthday, don't you think I could lie on something, just, like, an old towel?  Even a bit of hay?

Virgin and Child with Saint John

Virgin and Child with Saint John
By Jean-Léon Gérôme

New Mexico just became the 17th state to legalize gay marriage.  Every naked savior kiss your favorite camel-skin wearing bestie in celebration!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Dutch School
After 1500
Oil on oak parquet panel
37 x 29 cm

Move over Victoria's Secret models 'cause here comes Cheesecake Squishy and Madonna of the High Boobs.

Virgin and Child with Angels

Virgin and Child with Angels
by Simone Martini (in 1310) and Cenni di Francesco (in 1413)
Fresco
Church of San Lorenzo al Ponte and San Gimignano, San Gimignano, Italy

Well I don't know about you but this Christmas I'm decorating with a wreath of musical angels.

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
late 12th century
From an English psalter
Illumination on parchment, 261 x 175 mm

Is Mary carrying baby Jesus or is that a blue umbrella with a halo? 

 And, hmmm, are those....yes, those are testicles slung over Joseph's walking stick!

St. Vladimir Mother of God Russian Icon

St. Vladimir Mother of God Russian Icon
Late 18th/early 19th century
Oil on wood board, 11 1/4 x 9 1/2 "

Note: not all Savior heads to scale.

Enthroned Madonna and Child with Two Angels

Enthroned Madonna and Child with Two Angels (Detail)
by Meliore di Jacopo
c. 1260-80
Museo di Arte Sacra, Certaldo, Italy

Forehead?  That's more like a fivehead.

Our Lady of the Towers with Infant Christ, between Saints Ambrose and Michele

By Bramantino
1515 - 20
Tempera and oil on panel,  157 x 122 cm
Pinacoteca Ambrosiana, Milan, Italy

Oh you know, just hanging out, reaching for a tiny naked statue while another naked dude and a gigantic frog fall dead at my feet...another day in the life of everyone's favorite savior.

The Madonna and Child in a Glory

The Madonna and Child in a Glory
c. 1475
Detail of a woodcut
The Bodleian Library, University of Oxfor, Oxford, UK




VAGINA DENTATA!

Madonna and Child with Saints Anthony of Padua and Roch

Madonna and Child with Saints Anthony of Padua and Roch
By Titian
1511
Oil on canvas, 92 x 133 cm
Prado Museum, Madrid, Spain

The guy on the right is either:

A: Having a wardrobe malfunction
B: A flasher

Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine

Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine
By the school of Lorenzo di Credi
First half of 16th century
Oil on panel, 60 cm diameter
Musee des Beaux Arts, Nimes, France

Whoa, Squishy, lay off the Thanksgiving leftovers--you're ginormous!

 

Anne with the Virgin and Child

Anne with the Virgin and Child
Illumination from the Hours of Catharine of Cleves
Pierpont Morgan Library, New York, USA

Here it is: Anne with Mary on her lap, who in turn has baby Jesus on her lap--your annual Thanksgiving Turducken!!

(I guess those floating leaves with King's heads in the center must be the side dishes).

The Holy Family with St. Elizabeth, the Infant St. John the Baptist and an Angel

The Holy Family with St. Elizabeth, the Infant St. John the Baptist and an Angel
By Studio of Peter Paul Rubens

So, is there a giant pile of cottage cheese in the middle of this painting, or what?

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
From Gondarine Sensul, an illuminated manuscript
Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, USA

Squishy's lower body looks like it's still in the womb, and he's only got his head pushed out so far and one of the Magi is taking him for a magic carpet ride while holding his umbilical cord.  Well anyway, now we know that even a half-born baby Jesus still should have a halo.......

The Child Jesus in a Manger

The Child Jesus in a Manger
1450
Detail of an illumination, tempera on tempera on parchment

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in massive amounts of blue twine and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

Fatherhood

Fatherhood
By Viktor Vasnetsov

SQUISHY:  Time for Papa Jehovah to open a big can of whoop ass on all the sinners out there, heh heh heh!!!

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt

Detail from the Gospels of Georg Alexief

Illumination

Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, Maryland

If you've every wondered where Dr. Seuss learned how to draw trees.....

The Presentation at the Temple

The Presentation at the Temple
1499
Detail from The Gospel of Khizan

Nooooo, do not even think about handing your kid over to a dude with lobster hands!

Madonna with Sleeping Child

Madonna with Sleeping Child
By Paris Bordone
1540 - 1560
Oil on canvas,  27.4 × 32.9"
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Who needs a diaper when mom's got a basket of toilet paper handy?

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi

15th Century

Detail of a Book of House, Use of Évreux 

Starring Farrah Fawcett as the King of the Fabulous Feathered Hair!

Infant Christ and St. John the Baptist

Infant Christ and St. John the Baptist
By Antonis van Dyck

ST. JOHN: Did you hear the great news!  Illinois is going to legalize gay marriage!  About time!!

SQUISHY:  YAY!  Who's got a kiss for an obese savior with a red cape?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
By Frans Floris
1554

So...it's a dog bed sized for the Virgin Mary? 

Madonna with the Serpent

Madonna with the Serpent
By Caravaggio
1606
Oil on canvas, 115 x 83.1"
Galleria Borgehese, Rome, Italy

Forget about the part where he saves mankind from sin, little boy Squishy saves his mom and granny from a snake!  You'd think for that someone would at least give him a pair of pants....

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
1360
Detail of the Darmstadt Speculum Humanae Salvationis

Happy Halloween.  No way you're going to see anything half this freaky tonight.

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
By Luis de Morales
Between 1570 and 1575
Oil on panel, 100 x 167 cm 
Prado Museum, Madrid, Spain

LOOK OUT SQUISHY: the gym-body-but-really-rustic-outfit shepherd is just about to snatch you out of mom's arms!

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
1446
Illumination from The Missal of Eberhard von Greiffenklau
Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, USA

SQUISHY:  Frankincense...blah blah, myrrh...blah blah.  One of you bitches better bring me a Pumpkin Spice Latte!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Francesco Squarcione
National Museum of Art, Romania

The return of the Pilates Squishy!

Our Lady with the Child Jesus

Our Lady with the Child Jesus
By Giusto de ' Menabuoi
Diocesan Museum, Padua, Italy

Help Squishy decide: should he go as a mummy or the Bride of Frankenstein for Halloween?

Holy Family

Holy Family
By William-Adolphe Bouguereau
1863

Extra points to those of you who spotted the phallic (flaccid) object in Mary's basket.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Bernadino Fungai
Pinacoteca Nazionale di Siena, Siena, Italy

Um, Mary...shouldn't you be concerned about the golf tees sticking out of your son's head?

Holy Family

Holy Family
From the Winderhalder Workshop
First half of the 19th century
Painting on glass, 38 x 30.5 cm
Rötenbach, Germany

I never thought I'd take makeup advice from the Holy Family, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph--what is that lipstick you're wearing?                                                    

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Barnaba da Modena
Circa 1365-70 
The Courtauld Gallery, London, UK

Insomnia or hangover?

Virgin of Consolation

Virgin of Consolation
By William-Adolphe Bouguereau
1875
Oil on canvas, 80 1/4 x 58 1/4 "
Les Musées de la Ville de Strasbourg, Strasbourg, France

SQUISHY: I swoon!

MARY: Oh my son!

ST. ANNE:  Lordy what a couple of drama llamas!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Jacobello Antonello
1480
Oil on wood panel, 67 x 45 cm
Accademia Carrara, Bergamo, Italy

Oh Squishy--don't you know the Caesar haircut hasn't been hot since the 90's?

The Virgin and Child with the Parrot

The Virgin and Child with the Parrot
By Fernando Gallego
Louvre Museum, Paris, France

World's laziest painter, that Fernando Gallego: painted the same dang face on the angel, Mary and Squishy.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Bernardino Butinone
Between 1485 and 1495
Tempera on panel, 9.8 × 8.5"

What with all the fabulously dressed Magi and foot kissing going on, you can hardly notice the tiny kitty under Squishy and Mary's chair.  Or is it a bunny?

Nativity of Christ

 

 Nativity of Christ

 By Simone dei Crocifissi

1380

Tempera on wood, 47x25 cm

Uffizi Gallery, Florence, Italy

ANGEL (upper right, in red): So my lower body is supposed to be a cloud, but I wonder if that shepherd down there thinks he's looking up my tutu?  Oh hey there!

SHEPHERD: Hey girl!

OX: FOR THE LOVE OF YAHWEH TAKE THIS ROPE OFF MY NECK!!!!!!!!

The Virgin and Child with the Venerable Brother Francisco del Niño Jesús Blessing a Youth

The Virgin and Child with the Venerable Brother Francisco del Niño Jesús Blessing a Youth
By Juan Sariñena
1607
Real Colegio Seminario del Corpus Christi, Valencia, Spain

Mother and son: killing it with the eyebrow pencil.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Simon Vouet

Christ child or flotation device?

St. Anne, Mary and Christ Child

St. Anne, Mary and Christ Child

16th Century

AKA The Didn't I See you in National Geographic? Holy Family

Holy Family

Holy Family
By Marcello Venusti
1565
National Gallery, London, UK

SQUISHY: Imma be real real with ya'll: it's too damn early for this Holy Bible bizness.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi

12th century, third quarter  

English Psalter on parchment

Exhibit A on how medieval art never fails to entertain.  Do you dig the three surprised Kings?  Did you notice the subliminal boobs formed by the pink towers on top?