Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child

From the Book of Kells, Folio 7v

ca. 800

Trinity College Library, Dublin, Ireland

This picture is said to be the oldest (and possibly the most unflattering) existing image of the Madonna and Child in a Western manuscript. It was created by monks in Ireland.

You may not realize that Barry Gibbs, he of the Bee Gees and the feathered blond hair, was born in Ireland.

Coincidence? I think not.

Madre della Consolazione

Madre della Consolazione
By Nikolaos Tsafouris
1490s
Tempera on canvas and oak, 73 x 55 cm
Private collection

If you get out a magnifying glass you can read the note on Squishy's scroll:

Dear Mommy,
Please feed me.
'Kthanksbye, S.J.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Detail from a fresco in the church of St. Giacomo in Livo,
Gravedono, Como, Italy

Mom, there's something I need to tell you. You are a great mother and you gave virgin birth to me and all.....but that top is totally unflattering.

Madonna of the Strawberries

Madonna of the Strawberries
By an unknown German master
c. 1420
Tempera on wood
Kunstmuseum, Solothurn

I don't care if it is your birthday, you are so NOT going to wear your hair like that Jesus!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child (detail)
By Neri di Bicci
1456
Altarpiece
St. James Cathedral, Seattle

Uh, is that the midsection of a baby? Or a middle aged man with a six-pack-a-day habit? Is he reaching for a beer he stowed inside Mary's red robe?

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi (detail)
By Peitro Perugino
Chiesa della Madonna delle Lacrime, Trevi, Italy

Is that a blessing you're making Squishy, or air quotes?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Conrad von Soest
1420
Dortmund, Westphalia, Germany

You know, there are paintings like this that make the grueling efforts of blogging worthwhile. Thanks Conrad von Soest for making my day!

Mary of the Book with Christ the Blessing Child

Mary of the Book with Christ the Blessing Child
By Vincenzo Foppa
1464-1468
Painting on wood, 14.57 × 11.42 in
Musei d'Arte Civic Pinacoteca del Castello Sforzesco, Milan

Who says Squishy can't sport the gladiator look?

The Christ Child and the Infant John the Baptist with a Lamb

The Christ Child and the Infant John the Baptist with a Lamb
By Bernardino Luini
1507 - 1532

Okay listen up Saint John the Baptist, this is important. You adore the sacred lamb. IT'S A METAPHOR.

Things are looking way to literal here. Not to mention icky.

Madonna and Child in the Garden

Madonna and Child in the Garden
By Cosme Tura
about 1460-1470
Tempera on panel, 53.4 x 37.2 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washinton

This painting is all sorts of awkward, and that's a good thing. Little Squishy is tuckered out and having a nap between his mom's knees. And, oh dear, the gold decoration on the top of the frame....it appears to be some elaborate torture devise, pressing down on Mary's metal halo onto her HUGE forehead.

The Virgin and Child with St. Anne

The Virgin and Child with St. Anne
1510-1530,
Stained Glass
Wilhelm-Hack Museum, Ludwigshafen, Germany

Here granny, I picked a carnation for you.
Awww, what a thoughful little boy. And those cheeks--I could just eat them up. Mwah! Mwah!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
From the circle of Marcellus Coffermans
16th Century Flemish
Private Collection

Not only does this painting resemble a scenario in a Woody Allen movie, but Woody himself is apparently posing for Squishy.

Madonna and Child with Saint John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with Saint John the Baptist
By Andrea del Sarto
Date Unknown
Oil on panel, 19.88 × 16.34 in
Fundação Eva Klabin, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

And this, my son, is how you make the jazz hands.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Franciabigio
1510-13
Pinoteca National, Bologna, Italy

Lay off the pork rinds, Mr. Chubby Butt.

Nativity Scene

Nativity Scene
By an unknown Greco-Byzantine artist
c. 1150
Mosaic
Capella Patina, Palermo, Italy

You can see Squishy in the manger (center) with his awesome braided outfit with a hood. And then again (lower right) getting a bath, sans clothes, looking distinctly un-baby like.

The ox and ass are totally digging the scene.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Fragment of a fresco by Pietro Cavallini
the church of Santa Maria in Aracoeli, Rome

An emaciated Saint John the Baptist peeks in on the theft, aghast to see his friend Squishy J. balding with a pot belly. Sigh! Middle age: it happens to the best of us.

Madonna and Child with John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with John the Baptist
By Jacopo Pontormo
1523-1525
Oil on wood, 87 × 67 cm
Galleria Corsini German: Florence

So Squishy, what everyone wants to know is, how'd you get that nifty and conveniently located curl in your swaddling clothes?

Also, nice legs!

Madonna of Humility with Two Musician Angels

Madonna of Humility with Two Musician Angels
By Zanobi Strozzi
1448-50
Panel, 84 x 57 cm
Museo Poldi Pezzoli, Milan

Holy Chub! Mary wishes she had breast fed Jesus after belately discovering the effects of Bovine Grown Hormone in bottle milk.

Madonna delle Grazie

Madonna delle Grazie
Diocesan Museum of Aversa, Italy

Man! Someone needs to market a robe like this--I mean how many nursing mothers could use a robe with two perfect boob openings?!

Madonna del Voto

Madonna del Voto
By an unknown Italian master
after 1261
Tempera on panel
Museo dell' Opera del Duomo, Siena

In the beginning we were poor and there was no room for us at the inn. But now....SUPER FANCY! Bling Baby Squishy, Bling Bling!

The Madonna Enthroned

The Madonna Enthroned
By A Catalan Romanesque Painter
c. 1123
Fresco
Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, Barcelona

Can you handle it? Donald Trump totally cops Squishy's style!

The Virgin Dressed as a Gypsy with Child

The Virgin Dressed as a Gypsy with Child
By Luis de Morales
1567
Mixed media on wood, 57 x 41 cm.
Collection Count Adanero, Madrid

The fact that her son is missing the lower half of his right leg does not stop Mary from wearing a righteously funky hat.

Extra points for mommy / son matching red hair styles!

Madonna and Child with St Joseph

Madonna and Child with St Joseph
By Bartolomeo Montagna
1500-10
Oil on canvas
Museo Correr, Venice

Dear Bartolomeo Montagna,

I have a question about the composition of this painting: why does Joseph has his head all low in the corner like that? Is he sniffing Squishy's belly?

Thanks in advance for your reply,

M.A.

Altarpiece of the Virgin

Altarpiece of the Virgin
By Jacques Daret
1433-35
Oil on wood, 57,5 x 52 cm
Musée du Petit Palais, Paris

So, uh, errr...what exactly are you going to do with that knife?

Virgin and Child in a Garden

Virgin and Child in a Garden
By an unknown German master
c. 1410
Oil on panel, 29 x 19 cm
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid

The title of the painting is Virgin and Child in a Garden, but it looks more like Virgin and Child in a Wicker Basket Surrounded by Surrealist Objects to me.

What the heck is that platform thingy with the spikes in the upper right corner? And more importantly, who's the dude with the floating head in the tree?

The Madonna della Salute

The Madonna della Salute
By an unknown Greek painter
12th century
Wood
Santa Maria della Salute, Venice


Okay, yeah, Squishy J is looking elderly. Very elderly. But on the plus side, he has a diploma!

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels
By Sano di Pietro,
1460-1470
El Paso Museum of Art, El Paso, Texas

OMFG: Liberace Squishy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Francesco Benaglio
1465-1472
Oil on cradled panel, 26 5/16 in. x 16 5/16 "
Memorial Art Gallery, University of Rochester, USA

In case the whole savior thing didn't work out, Squishy's back up plan was to work as a Victoria's Secret model.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Neri di Bicci













Where's the booby! I know it's in there somewhere!!!!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Jacopo di Cione
1300's
Palais Rosemberg, Prague

Mary tickles Squishy with her extremely long finger to distract him from the discomfort of his first case of constipation.

Nativity

Nativity
By Hans Baldung
1516
Alterpiece
Cathedral of Frieburg, Germany

Mary and a crowd of obese cherubim gather around to see the first prototype of a light up Christmas ornament.

Don't miss the ox coming out of the shadows in the upper left!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Franceso Benaglio
late 1460s
Tempera on fabric transferred from panel, 80.7 x 56.2 cm
Washington, National Gallery of Art

Oh noes Mommy--there are giant caterpillars in the sky!

Madonna del Latte

Madonna del Latte
S. Maria Annunciata, Varese, Italy

Uh, Jesus, you're getting a little old for that.

Holy Family with Five Angels

Holy Family with Five Angels
By Hans Baldung Grien
c. 1507
Painting on wood, 73.1 x 55.8 cm
Heinz Kisters Collection, Kreuzlingen, Switzerland

What's your problem--you've never seen angels with afros before?

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist

Virgin and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist
By Francesco Francia
(1510)Between 1510 and 1515
Oil on panel, 25.59 × 20.08 in
São Paulo Museum of Art, São Paulo, Brazil

Saint John the Baptist assists Squishy as he works on his pole vaulting routine in preparation for the 2016 Olympics in Rio.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Follower of Giotto
First quarter 14th century
Tempera on wood, gold ground,
24 1/4 x 16 1/2 in
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Aww, mom--why the long face?

The Translation of the Holy House of Loreto

The Translation of the Holy House of Loreto
By Saturnino Gatti
ca. 1510
Tempera and gold on wood, 33 1/4 x 21 5/8 in.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

See, here's what happened: Ronald McDonald and The Virgin Mary had a baby named Squishy McDonald. They got their son a toy church to play with. After a while Squishy McJ got bored with the church so his parents hired some angels to hold the church up in the air so he could feel like he's flying.

In the background you can also see Squishy McJ's model boat.

Madonna and Child on a Grass Bench

Madonna and Child on a Grass Bench
By Master of the Tiburtine Sibyl
ca. 1470
Oil on panel, 41.2 × 29.6 cm
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Poor Squishy! Mary and Joseph refuse to buy him a kite, so he's forced to tie a birdie on a string instead.

Madonna and Child with St. John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with St. John the Baptist
By Piero di Cosimo
c. 1500
Oil on wood, diameter 93 cm
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Strasbourg

More Squishy and SJTB love, Sumo wrestling style.

Joseph and Jesus

Joseph and Jesus
By an unknown artist
Cusco, Peru
1700's







Rare indeed: a portrait of the metrosexual father and son.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By an anonymous painter of the Lucchese School
c. 1200
Tempera and gold on wood panel
El Paso Museum of Art, USA

Dear anonymous painter of the Lucchese School,

I was wondering why people look so grim in 1200. Was it the poor dental care? Also, were there babies around then?

Thank you and best wishes,

Matti