Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Jacobus de Teramo
1460
Detail of an illuminated manuscript

MARY: I haz the flame halo.  I stepz on the ugly monterz, bitchez.

Circumcision of Jesus Christ

Circumcision of Jesus Christ
1400's
Illuminated manuscript detail from Codex Vindobonensis Palatinus
Österreichische Nationalbibliothe, Vienna, Austria

Notice how, just as Squishy's junk is going under the knife, the building he's in is growing a boner of it's own, as if in sympathy.

Mary Breastfeeding Baby Jesus

Mary Breastfeeding Baby Jesus (detail)
By Josefa de Óbidos
1664

MARY: Look up there!!!!  What is that?!?!?!

[Squirt]

SQUISHY: Gah!

MARY: Ha ha--gotcha again!

Our Lady of Dzikovia

Our Lady of Dzikovia
By an unknown Dutch artist

I can't tell if Joseph is wearing a tiny top hat, or if that's just an awkwardly rendered halo.  At any rate, Squishy is looking fab.  Werq it girl!

The Adoration of the Child

The Adoration of the Child
By Cosimo Rosselli
circa 1490 - circa 1500
Oil on panel, 45.1 diameter
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam, Netherlands

St. John & Squishy: okay kids, it's cute when babies are chubby, but when you're such a lard arse you need your own designated angel just to hold you upright, you know you'd better cut back on the Cheetos.

Virgin and Child with St. John

Virgin and Child with St. John
By an unknown artist from Belarus
1500's


ST. JOHN: Hmmm....should I keep the hairstyle?

MARY:  I'm soooooo stoned.

SQUISHY: Ah, this silver-plated swaddling is surprisingly comfortable!

Holy Trinity

Holy Trinity
1400's
Illuminated manuscript, detail from Codex Claustroneoburgensis
Stiftsbibliothek Library, Klosterneubur, Austria

So, if Hallmark every wants to start a line of Happy Good Friday cards, I know where they can get some inspiration...

Nativity

Nativity
1015
Detail of an illumination from the Gospel according to John
Bernward Evangeliar Hildesheim

People, I look at pictures of Squishy Jesus everyday.  Sure, I've seen him wrapped up like a carrot, but never ever ever have I seem a nativity with sea monsters!!!!

Madonna and Child with Sts Jerome and Anthony of Padua

Madonna and Child with Sts Jerome and Anthony of Padua
By Pietro di Domenico
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena, Italy








ST. JEROME: Wait, before you say it, Duck  Dynasty copied me, not the other way around.

SQUISHY: I stole my mom's flesh colored body suit--think she'll notice?

ST. ANTHONY:  See this pink thing I'm holding?  Well it's my tongue.  Hope you suckas didn't just finish your lunch, heh heh heh.

Virgin of Vladimir

Virgin of Vladimir

Detail of an icon

Dear John Kerry,

If you're ever short on Halloween costume ideas, I have a suggestion.

Warm regards