Adoration of the Magi

 

Adoration of the Mag

10th century

Detail of an illumination from Codex Egberti

Um, well that so not a baby on Mary's lap.  And why are there giant red boobie things on either side of the throne?

Madonna and Child Holding a Pear

Madonna and Child
By Bernard van Orley
Early 1500's
National Museum, Warsaw, Poland

Yeah, so Squishy looks a bit smug.  Wouldn't you look smug too if you could stand on one foot while balancing a pear propped up by your mom's boob?

Toppling of the Pagan Idols

Toppling of the Pagan Idols
By Bedford Master
1423
Detail of an illuminated manuscript

MARY: I will succeed in squishing you against my face, even if our halos get in the way.

JOSEPH: Oy, would you get a load of that: the idol is jumping off the pedestal!

Rest of the Flight into Egypt

Rest on the Flight into Egypt
Attributed to Michele Cavaro
Detail from the central panel of Triptych of the Consolation
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Cagliari, Italy

Got a mom addicted to self-tanning and a boob in your mouth?  Put a bird on it.

Salvation of a Man Under a Sled

Salvation of a Man Under a Sled
Unknown Austrian Painter
1800
Salzburg Museum, Salzburg, Austria

In my many years of keen Squishy Jesus observation this is a first: Squishy intervening to save a man under a sled.  I'm telling you people, the genre just keeps on giving.

Madonna and Child with St. John

Madonna and Child with St. John
By Battista Dossi
Second quarter of 16^th century
Oil on canvas, 15.7 × 12.5"
National Museum in Warsaw, Warsaw, Poland

HOMIE HANDSHAKE!

Madonna Nursing the Christ Child

Madonna Nursing the Christ Child
By Master of Magdalen Legend
Late 1400's
Tempera on oak panel, 9 3/16 x 7 3/16 x 1/4"
Brooklyn Museum, Brooklyn, NY

Finally, a normal looking baby....regrettably, sucking on neck goiter.

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
Detail from the from the Tapisseries de la Vierge
Tapestry in the Collégiale Notre-Dame, Beaune, France

Mary's stoned, Jesus is dressed as a lil' nun, and the ass is having a giggle about the whole silly situation.

The Madonna and Child

The Madonna and Child
By Pellegrino di Mariano
1460-70

That's probably a peace sign Squishy is making, but it looks more like air quotes...and, is he doing wall squats?  Most likely to reduce his thighs, which are suspiciously similar to hanging pig legs I saw all over Spain.  Jamon anyone?

Madonna of Humility

Madonna of Humility
By Jacopo di Cione
105 x 66.5 cm 
Accademia Gallery, Florence

That awkward moment when you realize your lower body has turned into an oriental rug....

Icon of Jesus

Icon of Jesus

Detail of a fresco in Veljusa Monastery, Macedonia

Sorry Papa Roach, Squishy Jesus made the sign of the horns about 2000 years before you.....

Presentation of Jesus in the Temple

Presentation of Jesus in the Temple
By the Master of the Trebon Altarpiece
1390
Tempera and gold on panel, 48.4 × 36.6"
National Museum in Warsaw, Warsaw, Poland

SMH: only 40 days old an already Jesus has a beer gut!?!!??!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By William Blake
1825
Yale Center for British Art, New Haven, Connecticut, US

My name is William Blake:  I writes me some poetry, I paints me some jazz hands.