Madonna and Christ Child with Infant Saint John the Baptist and Three Angels

Madonna and Christ Child with Infant Saint John the Baptist and Three Angels
From the workshop of  Domenico Ghirlandaio
1485 - 1494
 Tempera on panel, 33.625" diameter
Birmingham Museum of Art, Birmingham, Alabama

Ermahgerd! Look at those cheeks...don'tcha just wanna sqeeeeeeze them!!!

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By an unknown Polish artist
1500
Tempera and gold on wood, 56.1 × 37.2"
National Museum of Warsaw, Warsaw, Poland

SQUISHY (to King in red): You brought me a gold plated box of Kleenex?  WTF?!?!?!!?

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
By Francesco Sqarcione
1450
59.5 x 45.7 cm

Do not chew your fingernails Squishy--that's a nasty habit!

The Nativity

The Nativity (detail)
By Master of Spinola Annunciation
early 1300's
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Merry Christmas everyone....hey, I said MERRY Christmas, not wrap your kid up like a mummy and sit around looking all pissed off.

Madonna Enthroned with the Child

Madonna Enthroned with the Child (detail)
By Czech Master
1343
Oil and tempera on poplar wood
Gemäldegalerie, Berlin

MARY: Hey son, wanna pull my finger?

SQUISHY: Ewwwwwwww!

Nativity

Nativity

1200's - 1300's

Detail from an illuminated manuscript,  Calendarium, Latin Bible selections: Liber Psalmorum, Cantica with prayers; Hymns, etc.

Cologny, Fondation Martin Bodmer

MERMAID BABY JESUS!

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels

Madonna and Child with Saints and Angels
By Matteo di Giovanni
1480
Uffizi, Florence, Italy

Now that is a forehead of biblical proportions!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By the workshop of Robert Campin
 Second half of 15^th century
Oil on panel, 10.7 × 7.8"
National Museum in Warsaw, Warsaw, Poland

Why is Mary's boob coming out of her neck?  Why is she wearing a dish towel on her head?  I'm so confuzzled!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
Museo Correr, Venice


Call the police!  There's a naked 50 year old man squeezing a bird to death in the Museo Correr in Venice.  HELP!

Jesus Salvador

Jesus Salvador
By Josefa de Ayala Figueira
1600's

Homegirl gotta thing for see-though gowns.....

Seuse Kneeling Before Mary and Jesus

Seuse Kneeling Before Mary and Jesus
1490
Illustration from an illuminated manuscript, Einsiedeln, Stiftsbibliothek, folio 42, with writings by Heinrich Seuse

Mary's hiding all her nick-knacks inside her throne while a floating Squishy makes a peace sign.  He's got a watering can in his left hand so he can water Friar Seuse's flower halo.

Virgin & Child with St. John the Baptist & St. Francis

Virgin & Child with St. John the Baptist & St. Francis
By Sandro Botticelli
1480-90

Just when I think I've seen the most awkward Virgin and Child post, something like this comes along.  Is Mary hanging Squishy by spiderwebs or what?  And this is no b-side "Master of the Podunk Altarpiece": this a Botticelli!!!!!

Madonna with Child and Two Angels

Madonna with Child and Two Angels
1400's
Unknown painter from Vicenza
Tempera on panel

Squishy is either pregnant or he swallowed a bowling ball....

Birth of Jesus

Birth of Jesus
1800's
Painting on glass

And she gave birth to her firstborn CARROT; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Jan Gossaert
1525
Private collection

For anyone who has ever wondered why I refer to the baby Jesus as Squishy: exhibit A.

Madonna and Child, St. Joseph and St. Catherine of Siena

Madonna and Child, St. Joseph and St. Catherine of Siena 
By Bartolomeo Neroni
Oil on wood cm. 60 x 90 cm

Look at those muscles--Squishy's been hitting the gym.  Thighs like that bring all the boys to the yard.

St. Anne with Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus

St. Anne with Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus
By Hans Memling
1430
Oil on oak
Bruges, Belgium

I know you've been waiting for it all year: Jesus sitting on Mary who in turn sits on Saint Anne.  It's a Squishy Jesus Turduckden!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Holy Family Saying Grace

Holy Family Saying Grace
Anonymous South German painter
18th or 19th century
Oil on canvas, 42 × 44 cm

Another teenage Squishy?!?!?  This one is ready to star in a Mozart opera.  

Look above the ho hum dinner scene, and dad/God is busting out like a heavy metal superstar with a triangle halo.  Rock on people!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Hans Burgmair
1509
Oil on wood
Augsburg, Germany

Holy Infant of the Nutcracker Legs.

Madonna di Campagna

Madonna di Campagna
1400's
Fresco in the church of the Madonna di Campagna, Pallanza, Italy

This is total album cover art. If there's a band out there that's righteous enough for a Madonna Nursing Child with Shoulder Boob cover I'm buying that album.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Meister des Fröndenberger
c. 1400
Detail of a wood altarpiece, 67 × 45 cm
Ostwall Museum, Dortmund, Germany

SQUISHY (to Mary):  This red necklace is too awesome, can I have it?   Oh come on mom, hook-a-brotha-up!

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
By Juan de Borgona
1500

Can you believe this: a 2000 year old example of child labor?!?!  And to top it off, they make Jesus pick olives while balancing a halo on the back of his head.  Egregious!

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
By Savinien Petit
1859
Oil on panel
Musée de Chaumont, Chaumont, France

SQUISHY: No where in this book does it say that I have to hang out bareass naked in a contrapposto position.  It's November 9th--for the love of God, can't I just put on a pair of pants?

Madonna and Child with the Young St. John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with the Young St. John the Baptist
By Ridolfo Ghirlandaio
1503-57
Oil on panel, 30.7 x 25.9"
Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, MA

SQUISHY: Yesterday people in the USA re-elected Barack Obama to a second term, voted to approve same-sex marriage in Maryland and Maine, and elected the first openly gay senator. 

ST. JOHN:  Someone pinch me!  Just like my golden curls, this seems just too good to be real!

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds (detail)
By Guido Reni
1630-1642
Oil on canvas
Museo di San Martino, Naples, Italy

Remember, daylight savings time begins tonight.  Don't forget to set your Light Up Squishy Jesus back an hour before you go to bed!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Bernardo Bitti
1575
Possibly a copy of the original

You know, my cat woke me up by barfing up a hairball at 4:30 in the morning, and I was having a crappy day....until I saw this painting.  Day = made.

Notre Dame de New York

Notre Dame de New York
By Fernando Botero
1966

Yeah , that's right: MARY HAS A PUMPKIN ON HER HEAD!!!!  Happy halloween people. 

Nativity

Nativity
Detail of a miniature from the prefatory cycle of the Nativity, Oxford England

Mary, I have to hand it to you, if anyone has mastered the art of armpit-boob breast feeding it's you.  Also, that cobalt blue blanket is stunning!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Taddeo di Bartolo

Mother and son: they share the same lovely Sienese eyes, and unfortunately, an addiction to neon pink blush.

Enthroned Madonna and Child with Saints Jerome and Petronio

Enthroned Madonna and Child with Saints Jerome and Petronio (detail)
By Lianori Pietro
1453
tempera on panel, 172.6 x 220 cm
From the sacristy of San Girolamo di Miramonte, Bologna, Italy

It's obvious what we have here is a classic case of subliminal penis belly.  What's not so obvious:  why are Squishy's toes so long?  And what's going on with Mary's neck?? 

Madonna and Child with St. Anne

Madonna and Child with St. Anne (detail)
By Defendente Ferrari
1528
 Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam, Netherlands

Squishy, those fishnets are da bomb diggity!!!!

Holy Family with St. John

Holy Family with St. John
By Maso da San Friano

ST. JOHN: The federal appeals court just ruled against the Defense of Marriage Act! 

SQUISHY: Buh bye, lame, discriminating DOMA.  Don't let the constitution hit you on the ass on your way out!!!!

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine
c. 1516
Oil and tempera on limewood, 68 x 47 cm
Szépmûvészeti Múzeum, Budapest

I've got hoes.
I've got hoes, in different area codes.

I've got binders full of women.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Jan Mabuse
Museum of Vienna, Austria

SQUISHY: I believe I can fly.  I believe I can touch the sky.

MARY: (Squeezing Squishy's boob).  Almost a C cup!!!!

Madonna with Child

Madonna with Child
By Giovanni Francesco Caroto
1508-10

Squishy, dude, cut down on the twinkies: you're starting to look like a member of Generation XL....

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Wilm Dedeke
1500
St. Anne's Museum,  Lübeck, Germany

Squishy is all p'od about his disproportionately long abdomen so he's going rip that poor flower to shreds.

Midwives Giving Christ His First Bath

Midwives Giving Christ his First Bath
1100
Detail of a mosaic in the Daphni Monastery in Greece

Kiddie pool inside an outdoor grill?

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
By Jacopo Bassano
1544-45
Oil on canvas, 54 7/8 x 86 1/8"

Ho hum, another boring adoration of the shepherds, but lordy, THE ASS on that shepherd in the blue shorts!!!  I'd tap that any time, any place, even in a manger.

Virgin with Child with Four Saints

Virgin with Child with Four Saints
By Francesco Bonsignori
1490-1510
The National Gallery, London, UK

Awwwwww...adorkable!

The Infant Jesus of the Blessing Hands

The Infant Jesus of the Blessing Hands
By Pinturicchio
1492-93
Detail of a fresco
Perugia, Italy

Looking hawt, Mr. Squishy J. Huge Forehead!

Madonna and Child, St. John, Two Angels and a Lamb

Madonna and Child, St. John, Two Angels and a Lamb
By Maestro di Ercole e Girolamo Visconti
1500-24
Detached fresco on canvas
Museo Nazionale della Scienza e della Tecnologia, Milan, Italy

Damn, I feel sorry for that lamb....

Madonna Adoring the Christ Child

Madonna Adoring the Christ Child
By Pietro Da Vicenza
1490
Oil on panel, 26.8 x 18.1"
Private Collection

Horizontal martial arts?

Nativity

Nativity
Detail of an illuminated manuscript
Book of hours in Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University, New Haven, USA

MARY:  I gave birth to that!?!!??!?!?!  How did that thing even fit in my stomach?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Ambrosius Benson
1495
Oil on canvas in period frame. 65 x 50 cm
Palermo, Italy

That awkward moment when you realize your baby is actually a middle-aged man....

Maria Lactans

Maria Lactans
By an unknown Flemish artist
Tempera on oak, diameter: 29.5 cm

Squishy doesn't seem like he's looking to this boob for nourishment--it's more like he's getting hypnotized.  You are getting sleepy...

Enthroned Madonna and Christ Child with Angels, Saints Paula and Agatha

Enthroned Madonna and Christ Child with Angels, Saints Paula and Agatha

By Michele Campanti

@ 1500

Tempera on panel,  55.75 × 43.12"

Birmingham Museum of Art, Birmingham, USA

Apparently, when Saint Agatha adores Squishy, she does it while holding her severed breast.