Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
From the Royal Museum of Fine Arts, Brussels









New Year's Resolutions:

1) Master the art of sideways breastfeeding
2) Learn sign language
3) Do both simultaneously.

The Nativity

The Nativity
By the studio of Lucas Cranach the Elder
Oil on panel, 29 x 48 cm
The National Trust Collection

The little putto in the front is getting ready to try out to be a Victoria Secret angel, transparent lingerie and all....

The Madonna of Humility

The Madonna of Humility
By Niccolo Semitecolo
1370
Tempera on panel
The Basilica of St. Anthony, Padua, Italy

MARY: So I says to the kid "What do ya want for your birthday" and he says "I wanna drink milk from a boob coming out of your belly button". And who am I to deny him?

Holy Family

Holy Family
By Cesare Dandini
1640's
Oil on canvas, 58.3 x 43.7 "
Hermitage Museum, St. Petersburg, Russia

Uh oh--looks like I'm not the only one who's been eating too many Christmas cookies....

Madonna of the Milk

Madonna of the Milk
By an unknown painter from Abruzzo with Byzantine influence
1250-1300

Holy water-balloon tit Batman!

The Adoration of the Christ Child

The Adoration of the Christ Child
By a follower of Jan van Kalkar
1515

MARY: He's beautiful! And he's come to save mankind from sin!

ANGELS: Even better, he doubles as a space heater!!!

The Madonna and Child with Female Martyr in a Landscape

The Madonna and Child with Female Martyr in a Landscape
By Giovan Battista Benvenuti
Oil on panel, 17.5 x 14.8 "

Damn this Pilates is a bitch!

Image of Christ

Image of Christ
By Fra Anselm Turmeda
1822
From a book printed in Barcelona called la Oració de Sant Roch

Oh hey, Squishy needs a training bra!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
1410
Tapestry in the Museum of Applied Arts, Frankfurt, Germany

Alternate title: Millipede Madonna and Child.

Madonna Incaldana

Madonna Incaldana
By Giuseppe Papa

Questions:

1) Where is that boob coming from?
2) How do Mary and Jesus keep those crowns from slipping off their heads?

The Fountain of Life

The Fountain of Life
By Father Victor
c. 1650-1700
Icon from the Church of the Blessed Virgin in Corfu, Greece

Spitting fountain crib for the win!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Cristoforo di Giovanni da San Severino
1450-1500
Detail of a fresco in the Church of Pantanelle,San Severino Marche, Italy

QUICK: someone get this couple a laxative!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
1300's
Detail of a fresco in St. Demetrius Church, Markova Sušica, Macedonia

I'm not going to fall for the old distract the viewer with a funky halo so she doesn't notice Jesus has no lower body trick this time......

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Master of Jacques de Besanco
1480-90
Detail of an illuminated book of hours
Private collection

DOUBLE kissy foot! From a king in a gray mullet!!

St. Gertrude the Great

St. Gertrude the Great

St. Gertie is either wearing a talking Squishy Jesus brooch or (squint a little) a misplaced vagina.

The Virgin and Child with St. Anne

The Virgin and Child with St. Anne
By Gerolamo dai Libri
The National London Gallery

Squishy is standing on Mary who in turn is sitting on St. Anne's lap: it's a virgin birth turduckden.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Nativity

Nativity

Illuminated Manuscript from the British Library

The ox and ass are all like "What up Squishy? You levitating or somethin'"?

Maria Lactans

Maria Lactans
From the workshop of the Master of the Mountain in the Clouds
1470's

Awww, Squishy is such an old geezer here. Not the mean "get off my lawn" kind but the type of sweet old guy that talks your ear off while your waiting for the bus.

Child Jesus Lying on the Cross

Child Jesus Lying on the Cross
c. 1800
Detail of a painting on glass

Soooo, you know, you're thinking of making a religious painting on glass and what comes to mind? A cheesecake boy Jesus reclining on a cross in red hot pants, of course!

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Bartolomeo Veneto

SQUISHY (to Rabbi Big Beard): Look, I'm letting you cut off my foreskin--the least you can do in return is loan me that fancy headband.

St. Rose of Lima

St. Rose of Lima
Painting detail

Squishy Jesus bouquet! Can I order that at fdt.com?

Nativity

Nativity
By Martin Schongauer
1475-80
Gemäldegalerie, Berlin

LOL! Joseph is twiddling his thumbs!

The Circumcision of Christ

The Circumcision of Christ
Detail of a fresco in the Preobrazhenski monastry, Bulgaria

Squishy is all "Oh know you don't!" when he sees the size of the knife coming at him. He's not going to be distracted by the rabbi's fancy floral getup.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
Detail from the Codex of Roda
Real Academia de laHistorica, Spain

Oh yes this is too awesome! Mary has this triple bicep thing going on. Jesus has two biceps on his arm with the cross and he's sort of floating behind Mary. And that throne is cool as h-e-double hockey stick!

Flight to Egypt

Flight to Egypt
By Francoise Brinnon
Detail from a book of hours

For your Halloween pleasure: you've heard of Frankenstein and the bride of Frankenstein? Well here's their baby--Frankensquishy!

The Visitation

The Visitation
1410
Detail of a tapestry in the Museum of Fine Arts, Frankfurt, Germany

Squishy and St. John the Baptist are meeting each other as fetuses! Squishy's waving hi while John's praying on his knees. I wonder if it's hard to keep their halos on while swimming in all that amniotic fluid?

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Jean de Montluçon
1500
Detail of an illuminated manuscript

This needs a new title: The Adoration of the Whatevs' Magi. Check out their expressions--they are like "I'm so over this". Especially the dude second from the right holding the trophy, he's rolling his eyeballs and saying "OMG this is lame" to the guy next to him.

Circumcision of Our Lord

Circumcision of Our Lord
1321
From the Pasional Abatyse Kunhuty

PUT DOWN THE KNIFE! That thing's too big for a foreskin--it's gonna cut off the whole enchilada!

St. Anne with the Virgin and Child

St. Anne with the Virgin and Child
1519
Manuscript of vellum
Burke Library, Fairfax County, Virginia

Squishy's on Mary's lap, Mary's on Grandma Anne's lap. People, what we have here is a virgin birth sandwich.

The Gifts of the Magi

The Gifts of the Magi

11th century

From the Codex Vyssgradensis manuscript

Forget frankincense and myrrh--did the Magi bring Jesus that sweet chandelier?

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Benedetto Bonfigli
1450
Galleria Nazionalle, Perugia, Italy

Ladies and Gentlemen! Come one, come all, see the amazing levitating Squishy Jesus!

The Virgin Mary and Child

The Virgin Mary and Child
c. 1200
Detail of a fresco in Notre Dame, Montmorillon, France

MARY--stop using Squishy's hand as a Kleenex!

The Nativity of Our Lord Christ

The Nativity of Our Lord Christ
By Jacopo Torriti
1296
Detail of a mosaic in Santa Maria Maggiore, Rome

Joseph's expression pretty much sums this up: perspective WTF? Yes, this mosaic is another product of the School of Dubious Perspective. The manger is a Tesla puzzle. The ox and ass have no lower bodies, but are nonetheless eager to smell the tied up baby in the manager.

Adoration of the Kings

Adoration of the Kings
By Herri Met de Bles
Mimara Museum, Zagrev, Croatia

SQUISHY: There's nothing in this box but incense and spices. Damn it! I wanted candy!!

KING (upper left): How dare you mouth off to us! [Smacks Squishy with his hat].

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By the Mater of Guillaume Lambert
1460
Illumination, 65 x 95 mm

Well, I'm not sure about Mary, but Squishy sure is, um, looking happy to see you!

Madonna and Child with Six Angels

Madonna and Child with Six Angels
By Master of Pratovecchio
1440's

Oh yes people: it's a cheerleader pyramid made of angels!

The Holy Family with Shepherds

The Holy Family with Shepherds
By Jacob Jordaens
1616
Oil on canvas, transferred from wood, 42 x 30 "

Ah, there's nothing so cozy on a chilly night than gathering around a warm toasty breast!

Squishy: you have super-muscular thighs and yet your belly is fatso. Could you try to be more consistent?

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
705-07
Detail of a mosaic in the Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome

Well I hate to say it, but I think Mary's stepping out on Joseph because Squishy looks an awful lot like that king with the blue halo....

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child


Fancy knees? Check.
Enormous hands? Check.
Chair made of hyenas? Double check.

Virgin Hodegetria

Virgin Hodegetria
Glass and ceramic tesserae on panel
Late 12th, early 13th century
The holy monastery of St. Catherine, Mt. Sinai, Egypt

Well I can tell by the circles under your eyes that somebody threw back a few too many last night....

Icon of the Theotokos

Icon of the Theotokos
6th Century
Santa Maria la Nova, Naples, Italy

Yeah, so Mary is sadly lacking the upper part of her head. This does not stop this from being a FANTASTIC painting. Seriously, why couldn't I have painted this?

Virgin Mary with the Ink Pot

Virgin Mary with the Ink Pot
By the Mittelrheinisher Master
1430
Berlin Gemäldegalerie, Germany

Mary has grabbed the ink pot away from the artist of this work, to protest that he made them look so homely.

Aww, Squishy's wearing friendship bracelets!

The Fouquet Missal

The Fouquet Missal
1470-75
Detail of an illuminated manuscript
In the collection of Yale University, USA

The guys with fancy hats are back, and this time they're giving Squishy a Pilates lesson.

The Holy Kinship

The Holy Kinship
By Jan Baegert
1530

Listen up men standing in the back: maybe if you spent more money on birth control than on fancy hats you might get this population explosion under control.

Check out Squishy's cousin playing patty-cake in front of the basket of cherries--little guy has a bizarre body!