Virgin Mary and Child

Virgin Mary and Child
Russian
Painting on wood










Oh Jeez mom--would you get off your cell already and read me my bedtime story?

The Glorification of Mary

The Glorification of Mary
From the Circle of Geertgen tot Sint Jans
@ 1480
Oil on panel
10.55 × 8.07 in
Museum Boijmans van Beuningen, Rotterdam

Okay Jesus, I'll balance on the scary dragon and you play the maracas and pretend you're in The Chorus Line. One....two....three. Action!

The Virgin Watching over the Sleeping Child

The Virgin Watching over the Sleeping Child
By Laurent de La Hyre
1600's
The Louvre, Paris, France

Who's baby you callin' fat, bitch?!?!

The Virgin Breastfeeding Baby Jesus

The Virgin Breastfeeding Baby Jesus
By Maestro del Papagayo
1540

Because I am a mature person, I am not tempted to talk about the hilariously suggestive place Squishy is holding his cherries. Because it's not funny. At all.

Nativity

Nativity (detail)
By Jacob Cornelisz van Oostsanen

Er, make that "They laid him on a giant bundle of spaghetti because there was no room for him at the inn."

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
Stained glass window
From St James' Church, High Melton, England

So am I going to have to add a label for Anorexia Jesus?

The Nativity

The Navity
By the Limbourg Brothers
Les Très Riches Heures du duc de Berry
Illuminated Manuscript
Musée Condé, Chantilly, France

"They laid him in a manger because there was no room for him at the inn."

Here we see a manger made up of bodiless blue angels. Sweet! They fed the ox and ass out of that?

God's up on top surrounded by his own wreath of red disembodied angel heads. Even better (trust me, you're gonna want to enlarge the picture to have a closer look) his beard is emitting laser beam of light down onto his son.

Oh, and Joesph is wearing a super righteous hat.

Virgin with the White Rose

Virgin with the White Rose
From the cathedral in Salamanca, Spain

Squishy, rockin' the transparent gown and buck teeth look, is all over that rose like white on rice.

Madonna of Silence

Madonna of Silence
By Bartolomeo Passerotti
Oil on copper, 38 × 28.2 cm
Private collection, São Paulo, Brazil

Awww! Kewpie-doll-knobby-knees Squishy is all tuckered out.

St. Anne, the Virgin and Child Jesus

St. Anne, the Virgin and Child
By an unknown French artist
Late fifteenth century
Painting on glass. 0.34 m. ; L. : 0.24 m.
The Louvre, Paris, France

Now Jesus, it's okay to play with your little pony stick, but next time, please, put on some pants.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By an unknown artist
33.7 x 25 cm.
Oil on panel
The Bowes Museum, Durham, England

Isn't it usually babies who get the chin squeeze, not the other way around? Dang, Mary has one squishy chin!

Ayala Altarpiece

Ayala Altarpiece (detail)
By an unknown Spanish Artist
1396
Painting on wood
The Art Institute of Chicago, Chicago USA

Black ass to red ox: Any chance we can get that king to give us one of those gumballs too?

Our Lady of Kazan

Our Lady of Kazan
By an unknown Greek artist










Uh, wait a minute. I thought Jesus only lived to be 33?

Virgin and Child Enthroned

Virgin and Child Enthroned
c. 1495
Oil on panel, 50 x 37 cm
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid

See, when you're the son of God, you get whatever you want. For example "I want eight naked babies to hold up me and mom on a octogonal piece of plywood."

Done.

Madonna di Concesa

Madonna di Concesa
1641
From the sanctuary of the Divine Maternity in Lombardia, Italy

This is possibly the only known image of Squishy wearing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Virgin and Child with Saint Jerome and Michael Archangel

Virgin and Child with Saints Jerome and Michael
By Giampietrino
1530s
Oil on panel, 61 x 74 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

Male pattern baldness Squishy leans across to Saint Jerome to say "Aha! So that's the rock you beat your chest with in the wilderness. Fascinating!"

A weird ghoul, lower right, makes a terrifying face as he realizes that Mary is wearing an acid washed skirt.

Nativity

Nativity
Pigment on goat parchment
From The Averbode Evangelistary, Folio 17
University Library, Liege, Belgium

See, before they swaddle Jesus, they stretch him out really loooonnnngggg so he fits properly in the manger.