Saint Bernard's Vision of the Virgin and Child

Saint Bernard's Vision of the Virgin and Child
by Simon Marmion
c. 1480 - 90
Tempera and gold on parchment
J Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Helpful squishy Jesus! Here he holds the gold staff of Saint Bernard, allowing him to pray directly to to Mary's breast.

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
by Bono da Ferrara
c. 1450
Tempera on poplar panel, 74 x 50.5 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

What an exciting squishy Jesus find! Here we have rare baby version of Subliminal Penis Belly and the suggestion of pubic hair. But not only that, Jesus bears an uncanny resemblance to Eddy Izzard.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Marco Zoppo
c. 1467/1468
National Gallery of Art, Washington D.C.

Mr. Chin Chuck Jesus has been positively religious about his lower body workouts. Those bulging thigh muscles really come in handy for this strenuous pose: one foot on a blue pillow, one on mom's hand.

Initial D from a Book of Hours

Initial D from a Book of Hours
by Masters of Dirc van Delf
C. 1405-10
Tempera and gold on parchment
J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Here Mary and Jesus illustrate the letter D from a book of hours.

Perhaps D for "Damn, my breast is connected to my neck!" or "Damn, I'm wearing a crappy toupee"?

Madonna and Child (detail)

Madonna and Child (detail)
by Andrea di Bartolo
c. 1415
Tempera on panel
28.6 x 17.8 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Something has gone tragically wrong with the lower body of baby Jesus....just at the place where you'd think his feet would be, there's a whole other set of legs. The baby Jesus Siamese twin? Didn't I see this in the Weekly World News?

The Family of the Madonna

The Family of the Madonna
by Pietro Perugino
1500-02
Oil on wood, 296 x 259 cm
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Marseille

This painting is like one of those magic illusion drawings--you know, when you look at the painting one way you see a pretty lady and another way you see an old hag.

At first glance, this is a wholesome family scene, albeit with rather obese babies. But look again, and it's practically soft porn. For example, check out the little flasher dude in the lower right, with the male pattern baldness mohawk. I think this might be the guy who once exposed himself to me in the public library....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown Catalan master
1200-50
Wood
Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya, Barcelona

Let's start with the obvious: baby Jesus has no head. However, he makes up for this by sharing his fish bowl manger with two disembodied ox and ass heads.

Upper right we see an angel with righteous eyebrows popping out of a river. Mary lounges in a sleeping bag giving the scene a thumbs up while Joseph scratches his head, wondering "Why is the background of this painting a paper towel?"

The Flight into Egypt

The Flight into Egypt
by Bernardino Jacopi Butinone
Tempera on poplar panel, 25 x 22 cm
Art Institute, Chicago

Poor baby Jesus! He doesn't care about going to Egypt--he just wants his right arm back.

Virgin Adoring the Child with Two Angels

Virgin Adoring the Child with Two Angels
by Bastiano Mainardi
1490s
Panel, diameter 32 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Shhhhhh! Be very quiet...you know it's dangerous to wake a sleepwalker.

The Virgin Appearing to St Hyacinth

The Virgin Appearing to St Hyacinth
by Lodovico Carracci
1594
Oil on canvas, 375 x 223 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Heaven (or Saint Hyacinth) only knows what sudden breeze is making Squishy Jesus's strategic bit of drapery flutter so fetchingly.....

Marriage of St Catherine

Marriage of St Catherine
by Lorenzo Veneziano
1360
Panel, 93 x 58 cm
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice

In the early years, Jesus wanted to grow up to be Superman, but he eventually settled on being a different sort of Saviour.

Holy Family with the Infant St John

Holy Family with the Infant St John
by Bernardino Luini
Panel, 100 x 84 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Squishy Jesus and Saint John the Baptist embrace with joy as they hear the news that they can now be legally married in Iowa!

Nativity

Nativity
by Francesco di Giorgio Martini
c. 1470
Panel, 52 x 57 cm
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Jesus reclines odalisque-style while flashing a peace sign in a severely rustic landscape.

OMG! That's not a red hat Joseph is wearing--it's a teeny ox and ass.

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist
by Marco Palmezzano
Oil on panel, 65 x 52 cm
Private collection

Ah, baby Jesus. So young, so erudite!