The Madonna in Majesty (detail)

The Madonna in Majesty (detail)
by Cimabue
1285-86
Tempera on panel, 91 x 75 cm (full painting: 385 x 223 cm)
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Mary would like you to know that there's absolutely NOTHING funny about Jesus's ears.

Holy Family (Borgherini)

Holy Family (Borgherini)
by Andrea del Sarto
c. 1529
Oil on wood, 135 x 100 cm
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

In this crowded scene Saint John the Baptist holds up a globe with baby Jesus, while a hand comes around from the background to hold - his crotch -??!!!

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)
by Albrecht Durer
1496
Oil on canvas, 117 x 96,5 cm
Gemäldegalerie, Dresden

Weird, semi-transparent angels lower a crown onto Mary's head, while she prays over squishy Jesus.

What's unclear is why a Flemish style home can be seen out the window (in Bethleham?) and why a wee little guy with no pants is waving a mop over the sleeping Jesus.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Master of Female Half-length
Oil on panel, 40 x 29 cm
Private collection

OMG, Master of Female Half-length is the best artist name ever! I am so ready to take this as my own artist name and crank out portraits of baby Jesus hanging out, holding a pear, propped up by a breast.

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors
by Master of the Legend of St. Ursula
1486
Oil on oak panels, 28 x 21 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

Can someone explain to me why baby Jesus is so often depicted with a red 'fro? (See previous post, for example.)

Here Jesus kind of looks like a cheap doll whose limbs are poorly stuck in his sockets, though the donors on the right don't seem to mind.

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)
by Lambert Lombard
Oil on panel, 104 x 110 cm
Rockox House, Antwerp

Jesus has quite a profile in this painting (not to mention his armpit hair).

Mary has henna on her feet.

Good times.

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
by Pietro di Giovanni d'Ambrogio
c. 1445
Tempera on wood
Museo d'Arte Sacra, Asciano

Perfect for Christmas Eve: another swaddling-gone-wrong nativity.

This is a great painting for animals. Notice the ox and the cross-eyed ass with their co-mingled ears looking in on Jesus in his swaddling tube. There's an owl on top of the super-neat manger door. And what the heck is that animal in the lower right corner? Lion-poodle-sheep?

Madonna and Child with Donors

Madonna and Child with Donors
by Gentile Bellini
c. 1460
Panel, 74 x 46 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Despite the peace sign, it's not all hippy love with Jesus--he's fed up with the ugly pair of donors and is kicking them away. Mary looks on with a smirk just like her son's. (They also apparently share the same eyebrow pencil...)

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels
by Jean Fouquet
c. 1450
Wood, 93 x 85 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

This is a rare documentation of the early days of breast enhancement. Baby Jesus, oblivious to his mother's spheres, points off to the side at giant tassels. Red and blue angels complete the bizarre scene.

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds
by Bartolo di Fredi
c. 1383
Tempera and gold on wood, 50 x 35 cm
Pinacoteca, Vatican

Jesus the mummy lies on stone slab in a strange cave-like structure. He appears mesmerized by a sort of bird laser, much to the amusement of the ox and the ass.

Up above, an angel choir sings while on the right, one angel breaks out to announces the birth of Jesus to shepherds, causing one to scratch his head in wonder.

The same shepherds can be seen in the foreground, worshiping Jesus with their cartoonish dog. What happened to the sheep?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Francesco Squarcion
c. 1460
Poplar panel, 82 x 70 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Oh freaky, bulgy-eye Jesus, why do you have a muscle-man arm?

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim
by Joos van Cleve
Wood, 109 x 74 cm
Musées Royaux des Beaux-Arts, Brussels

It's the Squishy Jesus family! Mary on the right (Mom), Anne in the middle (Grandma), and Joachim on the left (Grandpa).

Jesus gets his red hair from Grandpa and his pasty complexion from Mom. Altogether, it's too much for him and he's passed out....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown Flemish master
c. 1400
Tempera on wood, 33 x 21 cm
Museum Mayer van den Bergh, Antwerp

Here a chesty Jesus is observed closely by an unattractive ox and ass, while Mary reclines on a sleeping bag, using her halo as a pillow. Joseph cuts up one of his socks and God gives his blessing to the scene from the heavens above.

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bernaert van Orley
1522
Oil tempera on wood, 90 x 74 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

After the previous painting showing Squishy Jesus running from Mary, I thought it would be nice to show him running towards her. Apparently, Jesus has been running to Mary's breast quite a bit, since he's looking mighty chubby.

Jesus looks up at the crown a helpful angel is placing on Mary's head. The artist has signed and dated the painting in a trompe l’oeil scrap of paper resting in lower right corner.

The Holy Family with Angels

The Holy Family with Angels
by an unknown German master
c. 1425
Oak, 25 x 19 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Do yourself a favor and spend a long time looking at the enlargement of this painting. The holy family is certainly busy, with Jesus in the center walking (not crawling) away from Mary waving 'bye.

Joseph, aka Santa Claus, is at work with his carpentry tools, while Mary holds a bowl of food. Mary's brocade bed is luxurious, yet her mangy hut is falling apart. Handy angels repair the hut and apparently need a ladder despite being able to fly. More angels in the foreground carry water to a tub covered by a blue shower curtain.

Virgin and Child with Two Angels

Virgin and Child with Two Angels
by Piero di Cosimo
1505-10
Panel, 116 x 85 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Squishy Jesus just can't help himself from jumping in to assist a very vapid angel play a lute.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Geertgen tot Sint Jans
Oak, 81 x 52 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Here's a nice variation on the convenient tit theme: Baby Jesus is the one with the breasts.

Triptych (detail)

Triptych (detail)
by an unknown German master
1410-40
Tempera on oak, 85,3 x 95 cm
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

This painting depicts the holy kinship, which is a gathering of all the relatives of Jesus.

You can tell they are conversing by the banners coming out of their heads. Even the naked, Ken-and-Barbie-crotched babies are chatting. The babies with the halos are Jesus and Saint John the Baptist.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Vincenzo Foppa
1460s
Poplar, 57 x 41 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Hey it's supposed to be Baby Jesus, not overweight middle-aged Jesus with gold sash.

Madonna on a Crescent Moon in Hortus Conclusus

Madonna on a Crescent Moon in Hortus Conclusus
by an unknown German Master
1450s
Oak, 95 x 62 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Jesus blesses all the little people who helped him get where he is today.

Meanwhile, Mary sits on a Moon, and her robe has tiny flames around the edges. The bushes in the garden surrounding her are full of stars.

Madonna with the Child

Madonna with the Child
by Luis de Morales
Oil on wood, 71,5 x 52 cm
The Hermitage, St. Petersburg

It's not widely publicized, but Quentin Crisp actually began his career posing as the Baby Jesus.

The Burning Bush (detail)

The Burning Bush (detail)

by Nicolas Froment

1476

Wood

Cathedrale Saint Sauveur, Aix-en-Provence

Homely baby Jesus with an abnormally large ear holds a small painting of himself on his mother's lap.

Mary has a naughty expression--could be she's thinking about her own burning bush, if you get my drift.

The Virgin and Child before a Firescreen

The Virgin and Child before a Firescreen

by Master of Flémalle

1430

Oil on wood, 63 x 49 cm

National Gallery, London

Another centerfold squishy Jesus! Jesus reclines odalisque fashion on Mary's arm while the firescreen behind her head forms a halo.

Look closely at the corners on the edge of the bench at the two nifty carved lions.

Woman of the Apocalypse

Woman of the Apocalypse
by an unknown German master
1390s
Oak, 32 x 20 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

This Madonna is known as the Woman of the Apocalypse because she's stamping on a moon and a smiley-face sun.

Zoom in on Mary's weird dead hand holding her freaky skinny baby. Definitely apocalyptic.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
by Marco Zoppo
1455
Wood transferred to canvas, 89 x 72 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Jesus wears his halo like a hat in this painting, but the putti surounding him really steal the show. What's up with the putti on either side of Jesus and Mary? It's like they are posing for Playboy.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Bernaert van Orley
c. 1515
Oil on wood, 59 x 38,5 cm
Landesmuseum, Oldenburg

Mary stands in a very symmetrical room, looking down with adoration at her Baby Jesus. She would do anything for him, including moving her breast to the center of her chest.....

Virgin and Child with Two Angels

Virgin and Child with Two Angels
by Ambrogio Bergognone
1480-85
Panel, 37 x 28 cm
Museo Poldi Pezzoli, Milan

In this painting, Baby Jesus returns to Mary after a night of debauchery with two hung-over angels. The angel on the right smeared her lipstick getting sick outside the manger.

Triptych: Adoration of the Magi

Triptych: Adoration of the Magi
by Pieter Coecke van Aelst
Oil on panel, 89 x 57 cm (central), 89 x 25 cm (each wing)
Private collection

Baby Jesus appears pregnant with his own baby--possibly the second virgin birth?

If you google this artist you can see he was big on Adoration of the Magi scenes. Don't you wish your name was Pieter Coecke van Aelst?

Retable of the Virgin of Montserrat

Retable of the Virgin of Montserrat
by Bartolomé Bermejo
c. 1485 Panel
Cathedral, Acqui Terme

Whoa, Baby Jesus has his head on sideways! And a bird on a string!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Alessio Baldovinetti
1460-65
Wood, 106 x 75 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

In this painting, Baby Jesus manages to free himself from bondage while balancing a plate-halo on his head.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child

by Francesco Benaglio

1480s

PanelMuseo Correr, Venice

The Madonna prays over a rather odalisque-like Jesus with a strategically placed bit of drapery.

I'm not certain if the red stuff on his head is hair or a football helmet from the 1920's.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by the Master of the St. Bartholomew Altar
1510s
Panel, 30 x 20,3 cm
Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

This is one amazing squishy Jesus! His body is rather unfortunately like a spider. Mary is not much to look at either--what's up with the breast coming right out from under the collar bone? Her fingers are quite long and resemble Jesus's limbs.

Look closely for the walnut on the table beneath Mary and Jesus.

Virgin and Child Enthroned

Virgin and Child Enthroned
by Master of Magdalen
c. 1290
Tempera on panel, 117 x 87 cm
Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza, Madrid

Mary and Old Man Baby Jesus are held aloft by two angels, nicely complemented by two tiny saints in the lower corners.

Virgin and Child with the Infant St John the Baptist

Virgin and Child with the Infant St John the Baptist
by Luis de Morales
c. 1550
Oil on canvas, 120 x 80 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

Jesus and St John the Baptist are, um, rather close in this painting.

OMG! St. John has a teeny lamb for his attribute.

Madonna with Donor and St Mary Magdalene

Madonna with Donor and St Mary Magdalene
by an unknown Flemish master
c. 1475
Oil on panel, 56 x 49 cm
Musée d'Art Religieux et d'Art Mosan, Liège

Please, please enlarge this image and have a look at just how weird these figures are. Jesus's lower body seems to belong to a whole different baby. Also, don't miss the snowflake-like halos and Jesus playing cat's cradle with a rosary.

The Madonna before the Cathedral

The Madonna before the Cathedral
by Jean Fouquet
1452-60
Illumination
Musée Condé, Chantilly

In this illumination, a very fair Jesus nurses under an absolutely gorgeous Gothic arch. A vaguely Mongoloid choir provides the background music.

Madonna Enthroned with Four Saints

Madonna Enthroned with Four Saints
by Rosso Fiorentino
1518
Oil on wood, 172 x 141 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Um, Baby Jesus, maybe you're a little young for false eyelashes.....

The Adoration of Jesus

The Adoration of Jesus
by Master of the Trebon Altarpiece
Before 1380
Tempera on spruce, 127 X 96.3 cm
Alsová Jihoceská Galeria, Hluboká

There are times when swaddling clothes get a little out of hand. In this case, Jesus is swaddled like a glow worm from his feet up to his halo.

There's so much great detail in this painting: the pigeons on the roof, the angel announcing the birth of Jesus with a banner, the wee shepherds in the foreground and the weird grazing animals.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child

by Paolo di Giovanni Fei

Tempera on wood, 34 1/4 x 23 1/4 in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Baby Jesus simultaneously holds a sideways breast and his foot. Mary is quite relaxed, even though her breast is coming out of her shoulder....

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Master of the St. Bartholomew Altar
1470s
Tempera on oak panel, 30,5 x 23 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest

A better title for this might be The Unfortunate Family. Unfortuately, Jesus favors his parents.....

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Don Silvestro dei Gherasducci
1365-70
Tempera on wood, 49 x 31 cm
Private collection

Baby Jesus is long and lean like his mother, with a distinct case of male pattern baldness.

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi

by an unknown German Master

1420

Tempera on pine, 100 x 81 cm

Hessisches Landesmuseum, Darmstadt

Are the Magi kissing or smelling the foot of Jesus?

The perspective on this painting is exciting--notice the hut is seen both from an overhead perspective (bird's eye) and an underneath perspective (worm's eye). And look at Joseph in the lower left corner cooking with a tiny pan over a tiny fire.

Circumcision

Circumcision
by Giotto di Bondone
1304-06
Fresco
Cappella Scrovegni (Arena Chapel), Padua

Ouch! Jesus is circumcised on his eighth day by a rabbi with a very tall forehead. But where's the knife?

Madonna of Humility

Madonna of Humility
by Giovanni di Paolo
c. 1435
Tempera on panel, 62 x 48 cm
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena

Mary feels humility for her unfortunate looking child. Jesus is on the skinny side, yet has weird Michelin Man fat rolls on his arms.

Have a closer look at the super cool landscape in the background. I think the white lumps are mountains, and the squares are fields--rather like a chessboard.

Madonna with the Child (altarpiece)

Madonna with the Child (altarpiece)

by the Master of Flémalle

1433-35

Tempera and oil on panel, 34 x 24,5 cm

The Hermitage, St. Petersburg

Mary spanks Jesus in a lovely interior. I never realized until now that Jesus was Flemish!

Madonna del Latte

Madonna del Latte
by Bramantino
c. 1490
Oil and tempera on wood, 46 x 35 cm
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston

Mary nurses baby Jesus from just under her collar bone in an exciting landscape. Bramantino takes extra care with Jesus's swaddling clothes. Is it just me, or did Herve Ledger totally plagiarize this outfit in his spring line?