The Trinities of Earth and Sky

The Trinities of Earth and Sky
By Andrés López
Oil on copper
13.07 x 14.17"
National Museum of Art, Mexico City, Mexico

Baby Jesus is holding a picture of adult Jesus surrounded by three other man-sized Jesus'--this painting is so postmodern.  Rosalind Krauss probably wrote an article about it.

Blessing Child

Blessing Child
Detail of a fresco in apse of the Church of St. Lorenzo, Casteldilago, Italy

A rare shot from the really early days of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Infant Christ

Infant Christ
By an unknown Polish artist
c. 1480
Tempera and gold on panel
National Museum in Warsaw, Poland

Okay, so this is a pretty fascinating depiction of a medieval baby walker, but no one's going to convince me that the rubbery worm-person pushing it is baby Jesus, or any sort of human baby at all.....

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon

Infant Christ Slaying the Dragon
16th century
Detail of Codex Vindobonensis Palatinu
Illumination

Squishy Jesus the Dragon Slayer: my new favorite sitcom!

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By an unknown Russian artist
Late 17th - early 18th century
Tempera, silver and cloth on wood
32 х 2.5 х 4.3 cm
The Novodevichy Convent, Moscow, Russia

Leave it to the ever-chic Virgin Mary to wear a bottle opener as a bonnet.

The Infant Christ on the Orb of the World

The Infant Christ on the Orb of the World
By Joos van Cleve
1530
14.6 × 10.2"
Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum, Madrid, Spain

So yeah people, I can hold a contrapposto stance while balancing on a glass bowl because I'm not just the baby Jesus, I'm the mother-flippen savior of art history.

Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ

Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ
Central tympanum sculpture
Duomo di San Rufino, Assisi, Italy

Well, I don't know about you but I'd gladly attend any church with a sculpture over the door of the baby Jesus blowing up a boob-balloon from the center of Mary's chest....

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist
By William Blake
27 x 38.2 cm

Now St. Johnny, how many times do I have to warn you?  Stop being such a creeper!

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Neri di Bicci

EARTHWORM ARMS!!!!

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway
By Ernst Ewald









Q: How many winged baby angels does it take to carry a catatonic looking Christ child?

A: Three: two to carry him, and one to ring a bell in front.

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angels and Saints

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angles and Saints

By Fillipo Lippi

c. 1430

Tempera on panel, 43.7 × 34.3 cm

Museo della collegiata di Sant'Andrea, Empoli, Italy

ANGEL (kneeling in front of Mary and Squishy): Who's a cute squishy baby?  Who? Oh just wook at his widdle pink onesie!! I just want to squeeeeeze his widdle fat cheeks!!!!!"

JOSEPH: Bitch please, this baby talk is getting old.

 

 

Infant Jesus

Infant Jesus
17th century
Detail of a pendant from Poland









Cutest. Pajamas. Ever.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Neri di Bicci
1466-68
Tempera on wood
 Musée d'art et d'histoire de Genève, Geneva, Switzerland

Kid is soooooo stoned.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Gentile da Fabriano
1410
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA

SQUISHY:  Mom mom mom--the neighbor's dog pooped on the lawn again and they didn't pick it up!!!!

MARY:  No honey, that's not dog poop: those are little brown angels.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
Ivory
Museum Treasure of Aachen, Aachen, Germany

You know, I think I there's a bit of family resemblance going on here....

Maria Bründl

Maria Bründl
By Johann Philipp Ruckerbauer
1714
Detail of an altar painting in Maria Bründl church, Poysdorf, Austria

Don't you just hate it when you're photo-bombed by a praying Statue of Liberty?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Maestro di Sant'Elsino

Whoa--phantom nipple!?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice, Italy

I couldn't find a date for this painting but I believe it was made during the Pure Cartilage Appendage Age, you know, that time when people didn't have joints in their fingers or toes/

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor
By Carlo Crivelli
1470
Painting on panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington, USA

SQUISHY: Yo! This apple is bigger than my head!

MARY:  I wish the painter wouldn't make the stomach part of my dress look like a subliminal vagina.....

DONOR (lower left):  Gah--why am I so tiny?!?!!?  Next time I'm paying enough to at least be as tall as Mary's knee.

The Nativity

The Nativity
By Fastolf Master
c. 1440 - 50
Illumination on parchment from Book of Hours, use of Sarum, page size 293 x 200 mm.

Octopus bed?  Check.
Cross-eyed ox?  Check.