Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Thomas von Villach
Detail of a fresco in Saint George church Gerlamoos, Carinthia, Austria

Did you know that whenever the foreskin of a holy infant is chopped off his halo temporarily turns black?

The Virgin Mary and the Infant Christ Wrapped in Swaddling

 

The Virgin Mary and the Infant Christ Wrapped in Swaddling

By Filippo de Grado

Etching, 9 x 12.5 cm

 

The family that swaddles together, stays together.

Circumcision of Jesus Christ

Circumcision of Jesus Christ
1400's
Illuminated manuscript detail from Codex Vindobonensis Palatinus
Österreichische Nationalbibliothe, Vienna, Austria

Notice how, just as Squishy's junk is going under the knife, the building he's in is growing a boner of it's own, as if in sympathy.

Holy Trinity

Holy Trinity
1400's
Illuminated manuscript, detail from Codex Claustroneoburgensis
Stiftsbibliothek Library, Klosterneubur, Austria

So, if Hallmark every wants to start a line of Happy Good Friday cards, I know where they can get some inspiration...

Our Lady

Our Lady

By an unknown Coptic artist

Detail from Abadie, an illuminated manuscript 

Oh my, this is a shocker!  I never realized a certain King of Pop learned his best baby-dangling moves from Our Lady!!!!

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
late 12th century
From an English psalter
Illumination on parchment, 261 x 175 mm

Is Mary carrying baby Jesus or is that a blue umbrella with a halo? 

 And, hmmm, are those....yes, those are testicles slung over Joseph's walking stick!

The Child Jesus in a Manger

The Child Jesus in a Manger
1450
Detail of an illumination, tempera on tempera on parchment

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in massive amounts of blue twine and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

Nativity

Nativity
By Blasco de Grañén
Detail of the Altarpiece of Oto, Museo Diocesano Barbastro-Monzón, Barbastro, Spain

ASS: Whoa, is this a baby or a  giant tampon?

OX: Check me out--my skin is red and my ears are really far apart!

MARY:  Look up at the weird clouds everyone!

JOSEPH:  I have the coolest halo, neener neener neener.

The Circumcision of Christ

The Circumcision of Christ
By William of Nottingham
c. 1350-before 1375, 1380s and 1396-1414
Detail of an illumination on parchment

Mary's face says it all: "Rabbi, dude, the way you are holding that knife is so sketch!  I mean, don't you want to get closer to the action for so delicate an operation???"

The Circumcision

The Circumcision
Mid 14th century
Detail of a French manuscript

So maybe you're having a bad day.... but at least three rabbi's wearing tiaras aren't coming at your junk with a knife.

Candlemas

Candlemas

1522-26

Detail of a fresco in the Aosta Cathedral, Aosta, Italy

SQUISHY:  Oh lordy do I ever need an adult beverage!

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
Detail of an illuminated manuscript in the British Library

Um, hey guys, just want to point out that baby Jesus is on the roof, not generally considered a safe spot for an infant. 

I can neither conform nor deny that Mary is wearing footed pajamas.

Nativity

Nativity
Detail of an illuminated manuscript from a Book of Hours in the Walterd Art Museum, Baltimore, USA

First nativity where at first I've mistaken Jesus for a mummy.

Circumcision

Circumcision
1st quarter of the 14th century
Detail from a North Italian choir book
The British Library

SQUISHY (to Rabbi): Whoa there, now hold on.  Weren't you supposed to do this when I was eight days old not when I'm applying for my driver's license?

The Nativity

The Nativity (detail)
By Master of Spinola Annunciation
early 1300's
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Merry Christmas everyone....hey, I said MERRY Christmas, not wrap your kid up like a mummy and sit around looking all pissed off.

Flight into Egypt

Flight into Egypt
By Juan de Borgona
1500

Can you believe this: a 2000 year old example of child labor?!?!  And to top it off, they make Jesus pick olives while balancing a halo on the back of his head.  Egregious!

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
By Savinien Petit
1859
Oil on panel
Musée de Chaumont, Chaumont, France

SQUISHY: No where in this book does it say that I have to hang out bareass naked in a contrapposto position.  It's November 9th--for the love of God, can't I just put on a pair of pants?

Adoration of the Child

Adoration of the Child
By Jacquelin de Montlucon
1496-97
Museum of Fine Arts, Lyon, France

SQUISHY: OUCH!  One of those radiance spears is poking me on my pee pee!!

OX AND ASS:  This shiz is better than cable!

Nativity

Nativity
By Domenico di Zanobi
Museo Casa Rodolfo Sivero, Florence, Italy

Squishy's legs are all bound up like two turkey drumsticks. No wonder Joseph is depressed....

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Jan Wielki
1485
Tempera on wood
Basilica of Saint Andrew, Olkusz, Poland

Squishy so does not look like he's having fun here! And no one else can even stand to look, except for the guy on the right with the green dress and red tights: he's all like "Girl please--don't even try to get near me with that knife!"