Adoration of the Kings

Adoration of the Kings
Attributed to Paolo Serafini da Modena
Third quarter of the 14th century
Tempera on panel, 9.8 × 12.6"
Sao Paolo Museum of Art, Sao Paolo, Brazil

Adoration of the Foot Fetish Kings.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Cigoli
1600-10
Museo Nazionale di Villa Guinigi, Lucca, Italy

KING: Look kid, I'm a king---I don't give pedicures.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Bernardino Butinone
Between 1485 and 1495
Tempera on panel, 9.8 × 8.5"

What with all the fabulously dressed Magi and foot kissing going on, you can hardly notice the tiny kitty under Squishy and Mary's chair.  Or is it a bunny?

Holy Family with St. John and Angels

Holy Family with St. John and Angels
By Pacecco de Rosa
Private collection

You know there are some days, like when a guy wearing a camel skin is getting ready to kiss your foot, and your mom is sticking a boob in your face and your own personal entourage of angels are holding up a cross for you, you think, hey, this savior business is all right.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Roderigo and Francisco Osona
1490-1500
Oil on panel, 78 x 46 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid, Spain

KING: Sniff.....ewwww kid: you need to start using odor eaters!

The Madonna and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist

The Madonna and Child with the Infant St. John the Baptist
By an artist of the Bolognese School

[Sniff]   Hmmm.....smells like wheat and barley, of vines, figs, and pomegranates, and a hint of olive trees and honey.

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi
By Gaudenzio Ferrari
1544-45
Detached fresco transferred to canvas, 74.8 x 53.1"
Pinacota di Brera, Milan, Italy

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home....

Holy Family with Fire

Holy Family with Fire
By Jan Cornelisz Vermeyen
1504
Painting on oak, 66.5 x 50.5 cm
Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna

This painting is awesomesauce!  What's with the weird naked baby holding a diaper in front the fire?  And the cat--have you ever seen a cat in a nativity before?

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi
By Pietro Lorenzetti
1340
Painting on wood, 13" x 9.4"
Louvre Museum, Paris

Kissy foot or toe suck?

Holy Family with John the Baptist

Holy Family with John the Baptist
From the circle of Jacopo Amigoni
1700's
Oil on canvas, 93 x 72 cm

Ignore the whole foot sniffing business for a sec and look at how freaky Mary and John's eyes are......

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Master of Jacques de Besanco
1480-90
Detail of an illuminated book of hours
Private collection

DOUBLE kissy foot! From a king in a gray mullet!!

Virgin and Child Enthroned with Scenes from the Life of the Virgin

Virgin and Child Enthroned with Scenes from the Life of the Virgin

By an unknown Spanish artist

1400-1500

Detail of a panel

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

I don't get it: why does one king get the fancy ass star halo and the other kings get nothing?

The Gifts of the Magi

The Gifts of the Magi
Detail of a fresco in Clusone, Beragamo, Italy

Screw the gifts of frankincense and myrrh--what this kid needs is Rogaine!

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi
By Benvenuto di Giovanni
1475
The Smithsonian National Gallery

SQUISHY: You people are supposed to adore me, and most importantly, give me gifts. Stop slobbering all over my foot--it is vile.

KING (in blue tunic to the right): Why is everyone looking at that boring pale baby. Hello people?!? Check me out over here in this stylin' look. Girl, I have a master's degree in fierce.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi

1459-69

Detail of a fresco on the Northern wall of St. Mary Mesocco, Tessin, Switzerland

Aha! Another winner from the School of Dubious Architecture. The manger is a wicker basket and the king on right is apparently taken from a chess piece.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Michele di Michele Ciampanti
1470
Tempera on wood, 54 x 39 cm
Lindenau-Museum, Altenburg

How dare you say my Virgin mommy has a freakishly long midsection??? Lick my foot and I may forgive you, swine.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Conrad von Soest
1420
Tempera on wood, 140 × 95 cm
St. Mary's Church, Dortmund

GUY ON LEFT: Damn Jesus--what happened to your junk???? Looks like you're missing a couple essential details there.

SQUISHY: I backhand you for your impertinence, you long-nose scum.

MARY: I get the biggest halo. Ha ha ha, losers!

KNEELING FOOT KISSER: Hmmm, smells like incense, tastes like chicken.

GUY IN BLACK COAT: Hope no one notices I'm wearing a toupee.....

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Guido da Siena
1270s
Tempera on wood, 34 x 46 cm
Lindenau-Museum, Altenburg

Magi (left): we've heard a prophecy that the king of Jews was born today. We present him gifts of hamburgers.

Magi (kneeling): I kiss the foot of the miraculously old baby!

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi (detail)
By Fra Angelico
c. 1445
Panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington

KING: Hmmm...toe jam.

SQUISHY: Back off, you 60's wannabe cult leader!

OX: Moo. (Translation; Who's admiring my fancy bangs?)

Holy Family with Saints

Holy Family with Saints
by Alessandro Tiarini
c. 1620
Oil on canvas
The Hermitage, St. Petersburg

Ooh la la! Zee feet, zhey smells like zee feet of angels!