Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ

Virgin Mary Nursing the Infant Christ
Central tympanum sculpture
Duomo di San Rufino, Assisi, Italy

Well, I don't know about you but I'd gladly attend any church with a sculpture over the door of the baby Jesus blowing up a boob-balloon from the center of Mary's chest....

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist

The Virgin Hushing the Young Baptist
By William Blake
27 x 38.2 cm

Now St. Johnny, how many times do I have to warn you?  Stop being such a creeper!

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Neri di Bicci

EARTHWORM ARMS!!!!

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway

Infant Christ and Winged Angels under an Archway
By Ernst Ewald









Q: How many winged baby angels does it take to carry a catatonic looking Christ child?

A: Three: two to carry him, and one to ring a bell in front.

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angels and Saints

Madonna and Child Enthroned with Angles and Saints

By Fillipo Lippi

c. 1430

Tempera on panel, 43.7 × 34.3 cm

Museo della collegiata di Sant'Andrea, Empoli, Italy

ANGEL (kneeling in front of Mary and Squishy): Who's a cute squishy baby?  Who? Oh just wook at his widdle pink onesie!! I just want to squeeeeeze his widdle fat cheeks!!!!!"

JOSEPH: Bitch please, this baby talk is getting old.

 

 

Infant Jesus

Infant Jesus
17th century
Detail of a pendant from Poland









Cutest. Pajamas. Ever.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Neri di Bicci
1466-68
Tempera on wood
 Musée d'art et d'histoire de Genève, Geneva, Switzerland

Kid is soooooo stoned.

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Gentile da Fabriano
1410
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA

SQUISHY:  Mom mom mom--the neighbor's dog pooped on the lawn again and they didn't pick it up!!!!

MARY:  No honey, that's not dog poop: those are little brown angels.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
Ivory
Museum Treasure of Aachen, Aachen, Germany

You know, I think I there's a bit of family resemblance going on here....

Maria Bründl

Maria Bründl
By Johann Philipp Ruckerbauer
1714
Detail of an altar painting in Maria Bründl church, Poysdorf, Austria

Don't you just hate it when you're photo-bombed by a praying Statue of Liberty?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Maestro di Sant'Elsino

Whoa--phantom nipple!?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice, Italy

I couldn't find a date for this painting but I believe it was made during the Pure Cartilage Appendage Age, you know, that time when people didn't have joints in their fingers or toes/

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor

Madonna and Child Enthroned with a Donor
By Carlo Crivelli
1470
Painting on panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington, USA

SQUISHY: Yo! This apple is bigger than my head!

MARY:  I wish the painter wouldn't make the stomach part of my dress look like a subliminal vagina.....

DONOR (lower left):  Gah--why am I so tiny?!?!!?  Next time I'm paying enough to at least be as tall as Mary's knee.

The Nativity

The Nativity
By Fastolf Master
c. 1440 - 50
Illumination on parchment from Book of Hours, use of Sarum, page size 293 x 200 mm.

Octopus bed?  Check.
Cross-eyed ox?  Check.

Mary Theotokos

Mary Theotokos
Detail of an icon

MARY (to Squishy): What is that I smell young man?  I just changed your diaper a half hour ago!

Virgin and Child between Saints Victor and Octavian

Virgin and Child between Saints Victor and Octavian
By Priamo della Quercia
1450's
Pinacoteca, Volterra, Italy

So, what do you do when your baby has a backward's head and male pattern baldness?  Give the kid a mini castle and a feather!

Joseph and Baby Jesus

Joseph and Baby Jesus
Painting on wood panel
Icon Museum, Frankfurt, Germany

What's the glory in being the son of God, when your earth daddy upstages you with such magnificent facial hair???

Nativity

Nativity
By the Master of the Pfullendorfer Altarpiece
1497-1503
Painting on wood
Städe Museum, Frankfurt, Germany

OX AND ASS:  What the feezy is that thing?

Dormition of the Theotokos Church

Dormition of the Theotokos Church
1857
Detail of a fresco in in Jankovec Monastery, Macedonia

So there you are, trying to be all holy in a monastery, and people are like "Let's hang a light bulb in front of Mary's face--she won't mind."  Occupational hazards of the Virgin Mother #1539.

Rest on the Flight into Egypt with St. John the Baptist

Rest on the Flight into Egypt with St. John the Baptist
From the workshop of Francesco Granacci
c. 1490-1500
Oil on panel, 41.7 × 31.3"
Museu Nacional de Belas Artes, Rio de Janiro, Brazil

SQUISHY: Did you hear?  Indiana and Utah's gay marriage bans were just struck down!!

ST. JOHN:  Hi five to my boo!