The Nativity (The Adoration of the Christ Child)

The Nativity (The Adoration of the Christ Child)
By Zanobi Strozzi
ca. 1460
Tempera on panel, 15 1/4 x 11 1/2 in.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

MARY: Son, son, what are you doing naked on the front yard lying on a towel?

SQUISHY: Working on my tan.

JOSEPH: Without sunblock again? You're grounded, young man!

Madonna Breastfeeding the Baby Jesus

Madonna Breastfeeding the Baby Jesus

By Macrino d'Alba

The Aldo Borletti Collection, Milan

Boob? Apple? Boob? Apple? Decisions......

Madonna del Parto

Madonna del Parto
By an unknown Italian artist
Fresco in a church in Sutri, Italy

Okay Mary and Joseph, if you don't let Squishy out of his bondage I'm calling DCFS on you.

Salome Bathing Jesus

Salome Bathing Jesus (detail)
By an unknown Byzantine Artist
Late 11th century
Fresco
Dark Church, Open Air Museum, Goreme, Cappadocia, Turkey

So what if Jesus has a larger cup size than me?

The Small Cowper Madonna

The Small Cowper Madonna
By Raffaello Sanzio
1504-05
Oil on wood, 58 x 43 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Um, hey mom. I feel a giant dump coming on--you might want to move your hand.

Virgin of the Inexhaustible Cup

Virgin of the Inexhaustible Cup
Icon

Crib FAIL.

The Adoration of the Magi

The Adoration of the Magi (detail)
By Fra Angelico
c. 1445
Panel
National Gallery of Art, Washington

KING: Hmmm...toe jam.

SQUISHY: Back off, you 60's wannabe cult leader!

OX: Moo. (Translation; Who's admiring my fancy bangs?)

Madonna Enthroned

Madonna Enthroned
By an unknown Bohemian master
c. 1350
Tempera on wood, 51.8 x 32.7 cm
Städtische Kunstsammlungen, Görlitz, Germany

Mary and Squishy went to the pet store. Instead of a kitten, they brought home one of those deluxe cat trees to use as a throne.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
c. 1200 - 1300
Detail of a detatched fresco from the upper sanctuary of Sacro Monte Varese, Baroffio Museum, Lombardy, Italy

Mary: Gah! Look what the donkey left on the rug.

Squishy: Don't make me clean it up Mommy. No, no, no, PLEASE!

Adoration of Jesus

The Adoration of Jesus
By Master of the Vienna Adoration
c. 1410
Painting on board, 26 x 22"
Museum of Fine Arts, Budapest, Hungary

Why do all these foreign dudes keep asking me to drink their kool-aid?

Saint Christopher

Saint Christopher
c. 1250
Detail of a wall painting
Church of St. John the Baptist, Little Missenden, Buckinghamshire, UK

Saint Christopher, according to legend, was an 18 foot giant who once carried baby Jesus across a dangerous river.

Legend, however, is still unclear as to whether his thumbs were actually penises.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Antonio da Tradate
Fresco
In the Choir of San Michele, Palagnedra, Centovalli, Switzerland

Hot damn----it's a baby Ben Franklin! I'd sure like to see this on a hundred dollar bill.

The Betrothal of St. Agnes

The Betrothal of St. Agnes
By Master of the Bartholomew Altar
c. 1500
Painting on wood, 41.2 x 33.2 cm
Germanic National Museum German: Nürnberg

An orgasmic explosion of squishy goodness! And a ferret lamb!!!

Madonna and Child with Saint Anne and Saint Elisabeth of Hungary

Madonna and Child with Saint Anne and Saint Elisabeth of Hungary
Predella of the High altar
City Church, Schwabach, Germany

Yes people, we are encountering some Objects Not to Scale issues here. Saint Anne is holding a hefty Squishy and her daughter (aka Tiny Virgin) her lap. The other giant lady is Saint Elisabeth of Hungary, but who's the gimpy dude whose hand she's lifting?

Virgin Mary and Child

Virgin Mary and Child
Russian
Painting on wood










Oh Jeez mom--would you get off your cell already and read me my bedtime story?

The Glorification of Mary

The Glorification of Mary
From the Circle of Geertgen tot Sint Jans
@ 1480
Oil on panel
10.55 × 8.07 in
Museum Boijmans van Beuningen, Rotterdam

Okay Jesus, I'll balance on the scary dragon and you play the maracas and pretend you're in The Chorus Line. One....two....three. Action!

The Virgin Watching over the Sleeping Child

The Virgin Watching over the Sleeping Child
By Laurent de La Hyre
1600's
The Louvre, Paris, France

Who's baby you callin' fat, bitch?!?!

The Virgin Breastfeeding Baby Jesus

The Virgin Breastfeeding Baby Jesus
By Maestro del Papagayo
1540

Because I am a mature person, I am not tempted to talk about the hilariously suggestive place Squishy is holding his cherries. Because it's not funny. At all.

Nativity

Nativity (detail)
By Jacob Cornelisz van Oostsanen

Er, make that "They laid him on a giant bundle of spaghetti because there was no room for him at the inn."

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
Stained glass window
From St James' Church, High Melton, England

So am I going to have to add a label for Anorexia Jesus?