Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Pedro Berruguete
c. 1475
Oil on wood, 65 x 52 cm
Private collection

Here baby Jesus expresses what can only be described as breast ambivalence. "Breast milk again? Meh. I'd rather hold your pinky finger."

The Nativity (detail)

The Nativity (detail)
by Bernat Martorell
1440s
Panel
Collection Lippmann, Berlin

Mary and Joseph, afraid that baby Jesus may one day, like Moses, find himself floating down the Nile river, took the precautionary measure of having a small canoe actually built around their son's body.

No. 18 Scenes from the Life of Christ: 2. Adoration of the Magi

No. 18 Scenes from the Life of Christ: 2. Adoration of the Magi
by Giotto di Bondone
1304-06
Fresco, 200 x 185 cm
Cappella Scrovegni (Arena Chapel), Padua

Baby Jesus has this mummy-plus-cape thing going on in Giotto's nativity, which is all right. But what is the deal with the dorky camels? Do camels have bangs any way?

Madonna and Child with two Votaries

Madonna and Child with two Votaries
by Paolo Veneziano
c. 1325
Tempera on panel, 142 x 90 cm
Gallerie dell'Accademia, Venice

Did you know that before the invention of car seats, mothers transported their children on top of platters?

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
by Bernaert de Ryckere
Oil on panel, 66 x 50 cm
Private collection

Squishy Jesus does his best Statue of Liberty while a flabby, 40ish Saint John the Baptist simultaneously grasps his cross.

It looks like hair is sticking up on Jesus's head, but really it's post-halo radiance.

What's up with rocking cradle thingy Jesus is standing on?

Rest on the Flight to Egypt, panel from Grabow Altarpiece

Rest on the Flight to Egypt, panel from Grabow Altarpiece
by Master Bertram
1383
Paint on wood
Kunsthalle, Hamburg

Sometimes I wish I could talk with an artist, and in this case I have a few burning questions for Master Bertram:

1. Okay, so thing in Jesus's mouth is obviously a breast. So what the heck in Joseph's mouth--a detachable breast?

2. Mary and Joseph are fleeing to Egypt, so what is the key for that's dangling from his man-purse?

3. Why is Joseph holding a cymbal? Perhaps to entertain the family on that long donkey ride to Egypt?

4. Why are Mary's hands so huge?

5. Why does Mary get a fancy polka dot halo but not Jesus?

5. Why is the donkey eating a ball of dirt?

6. Does Jesus have a buzz cut, or a toupee?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Joos van Cleve
Oil on canvas transferred from wood, 43 x 32 cmThe Hermitage, St. Petersburg

When you're learning to walk, a breast can be a great thing to hold on to...........

Nativity

Nativity
by Lorenzo Costa
Tempera on wood
Musée des Beaux-Arts, Lyon

Darling, I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day.

The Circumcision of Christ

The Circumcision of Christ
by Hans Leonhard
1505-06
Wood, 26 x 15 cm
Christian Museum, Esztergom

Too bad this is such a crappy reproduction. Trust me, you're going to want to zoom in for the creepy details as Jesus goes under the knife.

Now come on! No one could possibly believe this small person getting his foreskin sliced is a baby. Not even the simple-looking peasant with the red hat....

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bramantino
c. 1520
Poplar panel, 61 x 47 cm
Pinacoteca di Brera, Milan

Help, help, somebody help me please! My head is shrinking!

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine, St John the Baptist, St Antony Abbot

The Mystic Marriage of St Catherine, St John the Baptist, St Antony Abbot
by Michelino da Besozzo
c. 1420
Tempera on wood, 75 x 58 cm
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena

Here we see Jesus proving his love for Saint Catherine by giving her a ginormous ring.

It's all about the gold in this painting: the ring is gold, the hat-halos are gold, the chair is gold and the figures sort of float in a sea of goldness. I think the artist had a fun time rendering all the different skin tones, too.

Is that a rat in the lower right corner? Or a tiny pig?

French Bible of Hainburg

French Bible of Hainburg
by a French Minaturist
1300-20
Illumination on parchment
Episcopal Library, Pécs

Who knew that Hermey the Misfit Elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer posed as baby Jesus early in his career? I wonder if baby Jesus ever wanted to be a dentist? Or a gay icon?

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by El Greco
1594-1604
Oil on canvas, 107 x 69 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

There's all sorts of strangeness in this mannerist painting. First of all, it appears that Mary is sitting on the lap of both her parents. Then there's Jesus's spherical head with its wicked case of male pattern balding and his weird Michael Jackson nose. And Saint John the Baptist? WTF is the deal with his, um, area? Mangina?

The Birth of Jesus

The Birth of Jesus
by Master of the AB Monogram
c. 1530
Oil on lime wood panel, 42 x 40 cm
Gemäldegalerie, Dresden

Here we see Joseph, Mary and a crowd of nekkid angels gathered around a glowing fire.

Wait a minute, that's not a fire--it's baby Jesus!

Holy Family with St Barbara and the Infant St John

Holy Family with St Barbara and the Infant St John
by Paolo Veronese
1770s
Oil on canvas, 86 x 122 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Oh my, I don't even know where to begin with this painting. I mean, it is lovely, but then there's the penis holding and the foot sniffing.....

The Virgin of Humility

The Virgin of Humility
by Cenni di Francesco di Ser Cenni
1375-80
Tempera on panel, 77 x 51 cm
Fundación Colección Thyssen-Bornemisza, Pedralbes

Could that be? No......well, maybe. Yes, it is, it really is a tiny breast Jesus is holding!

Mystic Marriage of St Catherine

Mystic Marriage of St Catherine
by Lorenzo Lotto
1524
Oil on wood, 98 x 115 cm
Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica, Rome

Is it just me, or does Jesus strongly resemble Saint Jerome's fugly lion?

The Lactation of St Bernard

The Lactation of St Bernard
by Master IAM of Zwolle
1480-85
Engraving, 320 x 241 mm
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

So Saint Bernard is hanging out in a lovely Gothic cathedral, reading the bible with his trusty miniature lion by his side. Suddenly, Mary and Jesus appear and Mary squirts Bernard on the forehead with her breast milk.

Jesus is totally chill with the milk projectile situation--he maintains his good posture throughout.

Madonna Enthroned

Madonna Enthroned
by Bartolomeo Vivarini
1482
Panel
Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari, Venice

Do yo shuffle, Squishy Boy!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Francesco di Giorgio Martini
c. 1472
Panel, 75 x 51 cm
Musée du Petit Palais, Avignon

Leave your answer in the comments field: who's uglier in this painting, Mary or Jesus?