Mary Breastfeeding Baby Jesus

Mary Breastfeeding Baby Jesus (detail)
By Josefa de Óbidos
1664

MARY: Look up there!!!!  What is that?!?!?!

[Squirt]

SQUISHY: Gah!

MARY: Ha ha--gotcha again!

Our Lady of Dzikovia

Our Lady of Dzikovia
By an unknown Dutch artist

I can't tell if Joseph is wearing a tiny top hat, or if that's just an awkwardly rendered halo.  At any rate, Squishy is looking fab.  Werq it girl!

The Adoration of the Child

The Adoration of the Child
By Cosimo Rosselli
circa 1490 - circa 1500
Oil on panel, 45.1 diameter
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam, Netherlands

St. John & Squishy: okay kids, it's cute when babies are chubby, but when you're such a lard arse you need your own designated angel just to hold you upright, you know you'd better cut back on the Cheetos.

Virgin and Child with St. John

Virgin and Child with St. John
By an unknown artist from Belarus
1500's


ST. JOHN: Hmmm....should I keep the hairstyle?

MARY:  I'm soooooo stoned.

SQUISHY: Ah, this silver-plated swaddling is surprisingly comfortable!

Holy Trinity

Holy Trinity
1400's
Illuminated manuscript, detail from Codex Claustroneoburgensis
Stiftsbibliothek Library, Klosterneubur, Austria

So, if Hallmark every wants to start a line of Happy Good Friday cards, I know where they can get some inspiration...

Nativity

Nativity
1015
Detail of an illumination from the Gospel according to John
Bernward Evangeliar Hildesheim

People, I look at pictures of Squishy Jesus everyday.  Sure, I've seen him wrapped up like a carrot, but never ever ever have I seem a nativity with sea monsters!!!!

Madonna and Child with Sts Jerome and Anthony of Padua

Madonna and Child with Sts Jerome and Anthony of Padua
By Pietro di Domenico
Pinacoteca Nazionale, Siena, Italy








ST. JEROME: Wait, before you say it, Duck  Dynasty copied me, not the other way around.

SQUISHY: I stole my mom's flesh colored body suit--think she'll notice?

ST. ANTHONY:  See this pink thing I'm holding?  Well it's my tongue.  Hope you suckas didn't just finish your lunch, heh heh heh.

Virgin of Vladimir

Virgin of Vladimir

Detail of an icon

Dear John Kerry,

If you're ever short on Halloween costume ideas, I have a suggestion.

Warm regards

Nativity

Nativity
c. 1430
Painting detail from an oak altarpiece
Museo nazionale di Villa Guinigi, Lucca, Italy

Electric light-up Squishy gets the Smurf angel band serenade at his nativity.  Sometimes it pays to be the son of God.

Theotokos of Hudahaj

Theotokos of Hudahaj
1700's

Too sweet: matching mother and son soul patches!

Tobed Madonna

Tobed Madonna
By Jaime Serra
c. 1359 — 1362
Tempera on panel, 63.5 x 46.4"
Prado Museum, Madrid, Spain

Let's go straight to the obvious weirdness first: Mary is breast feeding her son from a boob in the center of her chest.  But a closer view delivers even more weird: are those little griffen wearing armor at Mary's feet?  And, somebody alert American Apparel, because they're going to want to copy that vagina print on Mary's cloak.

Our Lady

Our Lady

By an unknown Coptic artist

Detail from Abadie, an illuminated manuscript 

Oh my, this is a shocker!  I never realized a certain King of Pop learned his best baby-dangling moves from Our Lady!!!!

The Virgin of Puy Amiens

The Virgin of Puy Amiens
By Antoine de Cocquerel
1501
Detail of an illuminated manuscript

Oh Mary, what a magnificent bush you have!  I'm relieved there are still some ladies ignoring that silly Brazilian waxing trend.

Holy Mary Siponto

Holy Mary Siponto
Egg tempera on panel, 129 x 81 cm
Cathedral of Manfredonia, Manfredonia, Italy

Sorry to be so blunt, Mary, but the whole drag thing just isn't working out for you.  And, gotta say, nobody believes that's a real baby on your lap.  

On the other hand, you guys are totally killing the sideways silver mohawk!
 

Presentation at the Temple

Presentation at the Temple
By Giovanni Agostino da Lodi
Oil on canvas

SQUISHY: So a giraffe walks into a bar and shouts out "High balls are on me!"

The Triumph of the Innocents

The Triumph of the Innocents
By William Holman Hunt
1883-1884

Holy crap--did Jeff Koons vomit on this painting?

Madonna of Rescue

Madonna of Rescue















A bit of advice for you, Mary and Squishy: stop accessorizing from Claire's Boutique.  That's strictly for tweens.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Cigoli
1600-10
Museo Nazionale di Villa Guinigi, Lucca, Italy

KING: Look kid, I'm a king---I don't give pedicures.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Cimabue

SQUISHY: I told you, mother, I wanted a Sophie the Giraffe chew toy. Get me one now.

Madonna with Child and Two Angels

Madonna with Child and Two Angels
By Domenico Puligo
Museuo di Palazzo Martelli, Florence, Italy

Spider-body Squishy: all legs and tiny midsection.