The Gifts of the Magi

The Gifts of the Magi

11th century

From the Codex Vyssgradensis manuscript

Forget frankincense and myrrh--did the Magi bring Jesus that sweet chandelier?

Madonna and Child with Angels

Madonna and Child with Angels
By Benedetto Bonfigli
1450
Galleria Nazionalle, Perugia, Italy

Ladies and Gentlemen! Come one, come all, see the amazing levitating Squishy Jesus!

The Virgin Mary and Child

The Virgin Mary and Child
c. 1200
Detail of a fresco in Notre Dame, Montmorillon, France

MARY--stop using Squishy's hand as a Kleenex!

The Nativity of Our Lord Christ

The Nativity of Our Lord Christ
By Jacopo Torriti
1296
Detail of a mosaic in Santa Maria Maggiore, Rome

Joseph's expression pretty much sums this up: perspective WTF? Yes, this mosaic is another product of the School of Dubious Perspective. The manger is a Tesla puzzle. The ox and ass have no lower bodies, but are nonetheless eager to smell the tied up baby in the manager.

Adoration of the Kings

Adoration of the Kings
By Herri Met de Bles
Mimara Museum, Zagrev, Croatia

SQUISHY: There's nothing in this box but incense and spices. Damn it! I wanted candy!!

KING (upper left): How dare you mouth off to us! [Smacks Squishy with his hat].

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By the Mater of Guillaume Lambert
1460
Illumination, 65 x 95 mm

Well, I'm not sure about Mary, but Squishy sure is, um, looking happy to see you!

Madonna and Child with Six Angels

Madonna and Child with Six Angels
By Master of Pratovecchio
1440's

Oh yes people: it's a cheerleader pyramid made of angels!

The Holy Family with Shepherds

The Holy Family with Shepherds
By Jacob Jordaens
1616
Oil on canvas, transferred from wood, 42 x 30 "

Ah, there's nothing so cozy on a chilly night than gathering around a warm toasty breast!

Squishy: you have super-muscular thighs and yet your belly is fatso. Could you try to be more consistent?

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
705-07
Detail of a mosaic in the Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome

Well I hate to say it, but I think Mary's stepping out on Joseph because Squishy looks an awful lot like that king with the blue halo....

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child


Fancy knees? Check.
Enormous hands? Check.
Chair made of hyenas? Double check.

Virgin Hodegetria

Virgin Hodegetria
Glass and ceramic tesserae on panel
Late 12th, early 13th century
The holy monastery of St. Catherine, Mt. Sinai, Egypt

Well I can tell by the circles under your eyes that somebody threw back a few too many last night....

Icon of the Theotokos

Icon of the Theotokos
6th Century
Santa Maria la Nova, Naples, Italy

Yeah, so Mary is sadly lacking the upper part of her head. This does not stop this from being a FANTASTIC painting. Seriously, why couldn't I have painted this?

Virgin Mary with the Ink Pot

Virgin Mary with the Ink Pot
By the Mittelrheinisher Master
1430
Berlin Gemäldegalerie, Germany

Mary has grabbed the ink pot away from the artist of this work, to protest that he made them look so homely.

Aww, Squishy's wearing friendship bracelets!

The Fouquet Missal

The Fouquet Missal
1470-75
Detail of an illuminated manuscript
In the collection of Yale University, USA

The guys with fancy hats are back, and this time they're giving Squishy a Pilates lesson.

The Holy Kinship

The Holy Kinship
By Jan Baegert
1530

Listen up men standing in the back: maybe if you spent more money on birth control than on fancy hats you might get this population explosion under control.

Check out Squishy's cousin playing patty-cake in front of the basket of cherries--little guy has a bizarre body!

Mary and St. Anthony Abbot

Mary and St. Anthony Abbot
Mid 1400's
Fragment of a fresco from the Church of San Salvatore, Brescia, Italy

Look at St. Anthony's sly expression, he's thinking, hmmmm, If I ring this bell maybe I can get me some of that too......

The Presentation of Jesus in the Temple

The Presentation of Jesus in the Temple
From the Albani Psalter
1130
Illuminated Manuscript

MARY (to Rabbi Big Beard): Here, I'm presenting my son.

RABBI BIG BEARD: Why does the bridge of your nose start at your hairline?

SQUISHY: Peace out Rabbi Big Beard!

LADIES ON LEFT AND RIGHT: We're holding pigeons and we have no idea why!

Crowned Virgin and Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine of Alexander

Crowned Virgin and Mystic Marriage of St. Catherine of Alexander
By Matteo da Campli
First half of 15th century


Note to viewers: St. Catherine not to scale.

Holy Family with St. John

Holy Family with St. John
by Bartolomeo Schedoni
1610
23 x 21 cm
Ashmolean Museum, Oxford, UK

Let's read it together......Go the F**k to Sleep !

Nativity

Nativity
By William Blake
1790-80
Tempera on copper, 27.3 x 38.2 cm Philadelphia Museum of Art, Philadelphia, USA

William Blake: I love your poetry man, really love it. But were you possibly under the influence of some old-timey hallucinogenics when you painted this?