Madonna and Child with St. John

Madonna and Child with St. John
By Raffaello Sanzio
1504
Painting
State Museum, Berlin

ST. JOHN: Squishy, my friend, you are gettin' chub! Have you tried the low carb diet? I went low carb last month and I'm already down one hair shirt size!

SQUISHY: For reals? Man I am kicking white bread to the curb!

The Flight into Egypt

The Flight into Egypt
By Juan de Borgono
Oil on canvas

Ooooo-kaaay. So when you're in the midst of your flight into Egypt, what you got to do is stop to pick miniature coconuts off a tree. And you wear your halo like a kind of pizza hat.

Oh, and if you look closely, your donkey has sideburns....

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Giovanni di Paolo
1440-45
Tempera on wood, 35 x 25 cm
Lindenau Museum, Altenburg

Seriously, did they not have diapers back in 1440? 'Cause I don't even want to know how it used to smell.......

Nativity

Nativity
1493
Tempera on wood
Right wing of an alterpiece in the church of St. Peter and Paul, Oberageri, Swizerland

It's a classic and fantastic nativity! Awkward architecture: check. Floating ox and ass heads: check. 70's bathroom wallpaper background: check.

Triptych of the De Visscher van der Gheer Family

Triptych of the de Visscher van der Gheer family (detail)
By Jan van Scorel
Alterpiece

Listen up little man: when you grow up we're gonna make you do all kinds of crazy stuff to prove you're the saviour. But before you walk on water, first you have to practice your tight rope walking....

Virgin Mary Suckling the Infant Christ

Virgin Mary Sucking the Infant Christ
Detail of stained glass from the Newcastle Cathedral, Newcastle upon Tyne, England

Convenient tit: now in convenient stained glass form!

St Christopher with the Infant Christ and St Peter

St. Christopher with the Infant Christ and St Peter

By Cima da Conegliano

1504-06

Oil on poplar panel, 73 x 56 cm

Private collection

SQUISHY: When I grow up, I want to be a hairstylist.

ST. CHRISTOPHER: Oh damn--you can see my tighty-whiteys.

ST. PETER: I got the big keys, I got the big keys!

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi

1459-69

Detail of a fresco on the Northern wall of St. Mary Mesocco, Tessin, Switzerland

Aha! Another winner from the School of Dubious Architecture. The manger is a wicker basket and the king on right is apparently taken from a chess piece.

Madonna and Child with Saints

Madonna and Child with Saints
By Lucca Signorelli
1484
Panel, 221 x 189 cm
Museo dell'Opera dell Duomo, Perugia

Um, Jesus, your lute player has a serious beer gut.

St. Christopher

St. Christopher
By Jusepe de Ribera
1637
Oil on canvas, 127 x 100 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

St. Christopher to Squishy: Look dude, according to legend I carry you across a river. Nowhere does it say I teach you to bowl.

Madonna and Child with St. Anne

Madonna and Child with St. Anne
Fresco in the Church of St. Maria del Castello, Osogna, Canton Ticino, Switzerland

Note to viewers: some Virgins not to scale.

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist

Madonna and Child with the Infant Saint John the Baptist

By Michele da Verona

1490's

Tempera and oil on wood, 29 x 22 3/4 "

The Metroplitan Museum of Art, New York

St. John to Squishy: Damn Jesus! Where'd you get your hair did?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Painting
Pinacoteca de Milan, Milan, Italy

Squishy wants YOU!

Saint Anne with the Virgin and the Child

Saint Anne with the Virgin and the Child
By an Unknown Hungarian Master
c. 1520
Tempera on pine-wood, 124 x 84 cm
Hungarian National Gallery, Budapest

Mary to St. Anne: Mom could you hold this kid for a while? He's so fat my legs are falling asleep!

Virgin Mary the Hodegetria

Virgin Mary the Hodegetria
12th century
Wall painting
St. Nicholas of the Roof Church, Kakopetria, Cyprus

Check it out: Squishy's making the devil horns! Who knew he was the original Ronnie James Dio?

The Virgin of Help

The Virgin of Help
By Giovanni Paganni da Monterubbiano
1506
Oil on canvas, 180 x 151 cm
Musée du Petit Palais, Avignon

Okay, now you really want to enlarge this one for detail to see Mary threatening a devil off with a club. (Get a load of the devil's narsty patch of pubic hair).

And Squishy, those red boots are tight! Where can I get a pair like that?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Giovanni Bellini
Painting










You know, I always wondered where Margaret Keane found the models for her big eye paintings.....

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Fra Angelico
1450
Tempera on wood, 38,5 x 37 cm

STEP AWAY FROM MY JUNK WITH THOSE RAZORS CONEHEAD!

The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Two Angels

The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Two Angels
By Giovanni d'Alemagna and Antonio Vivarini
1449 - 50
Painting, 188,9 x 102,3 cm
Museu Poldi Pezzoli, Milan

Pimp my throne!

Madonna with Jesus, St. John and Angels

Madonna with Jesus, St. John and Angels
By Melchior Lorck
1552
Oil on panel, 51 x 66.5 cm
Statens Musem for Kunst, Copenhagen Denmark

ANGEL (lower right): Look, every one--I've got the latest edition of the LA Times. A judge has just overturned California's ban on gay marriage!!!!!!!!!!!

ST. JOHN: Yay!!!! Darling Squishy, shall we elope?

SQUISHY: Yes, but only if I can pet the lamby every single day.