The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Saints Cosmas and Damian with St Eustace and Saint George in the Background

The Virgin and Child Enthroned with Saints Cosmas and Damian with St Eustace and Saint George in the Background
By Gian Francesco de Maineri
c. 1500
Oil on panel, 28 x 21 cm
The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge, UK

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle-jangle morning I'll come following you.

Madonna with the Child

Madonna with the Child
By Neroccio de' Landi
1470-75
Tempera on panel, 52 x 37 cm
Accademia Carrara, Bergamo






Spiderweb jock strap = FULL OF WIN!!!!

Virgin and Child between St John the Baptist and St Onufrius

Virgin and Child between St John the Baptist and St Onufrius
By an unknown painter of the Neapolitan school
1507
Tempera on panel, 148.6 x 120.9 cm
The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge, UK

According to the Fitzwilliam Museum, this painting was made in 1507. But dig Saint Onufius on the right--now he was made in 1967.

Even Squishy is down with the sixties vibe and is flashin' a peace sign.

Rest on the Flight into Egypt

Rest on the Flight into Egypt
By Master of the Mansi Magdalen
1515 - 125
Oil on panel, 15 3/4 x 11 1/4"
The Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, Maryland, USA


You're all alone in the wilderness, taking a break to feed your kid on the way to Egypt, and every stinking time these damn angels come out of nowhere and start holding a crown over your head. Can't a family get some privacy?

Virgin Kykkotissa

Virgin Kykkotissa
By a Byzantine Era painter from Cyprus
Late 13th - first half of the 14th century

So, if you superimpose the head of a guy from my high school yearbook circa 1988, add the arms and legs of an anorexic octogenarian, the belly of a pregnant lady, and top that off with a red mumu, you got yourself one heck of a Savior!

The Nativity and the Adoration of the Magi

The Nativity and the Adoration of the Magi
By Pusedo-Jacopino di Francesco
circa 1325-1330
Tempera and gold leaf on panel, 20 3/4 x 31 5/8"
The North Carolina Museum of Art, Raleigh, USA

So I was going to say that this painting looks like it was made by Dr. Seuss, but then I looked closer on the left of the panel. No way would Dr. Seuss wrap up Squishy like a carrot and stick him in a coffin!

The Virgin and Child with St Catherine

The Virgin and Child with St Catherine
By Bartolomeo Romenghi the Elder
Early 16th Century
Oil on panel 51.7 cm x 36.6 cm
The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge, UK

St. Catherine is mesmerized by her child hubby Squishy realizing that someday he'll grow up to be Ludwig van Beethoven!

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
By Lorenzo di Credi
c. 1510
Oil on wood, 224 x 196 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Guy second from the left: What tha!!!!!?????

Lady in red robe, center: It appears to be alive. NOBODY GET TOO CLOSE.

Two women in background on right: Shhhhhhh...check it out, that guy in a skirt is shoplifting a sheep!

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
By Giovanni di Paolo
1400's
Tempera and gilding on panel, 35 x 25.5 cm
Ashmolean Museum, Oxford, UK

Old man Squishy wearing a pink nightshirt? Check.

The Virgin and Child with St Julian and St Nicholas of Myra

The Virgin and Child with St Julian and St Nicholas of Myra
By Lorenzo di Credi
1490-92
Wood, 163 x 164 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Awwwww! Lil' rebel's got a Mohawk.

The Holy Family with Saints Anne and Joachim

The Holy Family with Saints Anne and Joachim
By Nicolás Rodríguez Juarez
1699
Oil on canvas, 86 1/4 x 77 3/4"
The Ringling Museum of Art, Sarasota, Florida

One of the lesser known benefits of being the Savior is that when you get your family picture taken your dad appears as a hologram in the background.

The Virgin Odegetria

The Virgin Odegetria
15th century
Egg tempera on lime wood, 91.5 x 77.5
From St. Demetrius' Church in the village of Krasiv, Lviv region, Lviv National Museum

Finally, definitive proof that aliens exist........or at least they did in the 15th century.

Nativity

Nativity
By the Master of Avila
1474-76
Museo Lazaro Galdiano, Madrid








Also known as The Levitating Nativity.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Boccaccio Boccaccino
Painting
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Oh dear Squishy you're looking a bit too *cough* excited *cough* *cough* to be petting the little birdy.

Nativity

Nativity
By Berruguete
Altar painting
From the church of St. Eulalia in Paredes de Nava, Tierra de Campos, Spain

Now just for moment I want you all to stop with your adoring and singing and lute playing and give the poor skinny Jesus something to eat.

Sheeesh!

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Girolamo Alibrandi
Painting on panel
Museo Regionale di Messina

Note to Rabbi Big Beard:

The tossing of a Messiah is strictly forbidden.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Detail of a mosaic in Santa Maria in Trastevere, Rome

Hey guys, can I get you the name of a good eyebrow waxer? Just sayin'.

Infants Jesus and Saint John

Infants Jesus and Saint John
By Josep Vergara
Painting
Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia, Spain


Here's a close up of the letter Squishy Jesus is dictating to his baby assistant:

Dear Josep Vergara,

Dude, we are supposed to be infants. Why do we look like middle aged geometry teachers who need to cut back on the brewskies? Why are we seated on a cloud? And, btw, there's a vicious bird hanging out under Squishy's foot.

WTF?

xxxxoooo John & Squishy

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa
1421-22
From Church of the Transfiguration, Zrze Monastery, Prilep.
Museum of Macedonia, Skopje, Macedonia

Holy trifecta of awesomeness: Squishy's head is on sideways, he has a giant forehead, and OMFG, HE'S WEARING LEDERHOSEN!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Mabuse
Painting on panel

MARY: My breast is in a normal location - alert the media!

SQUISHY: Check out my mullet. Woot! Party's in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!