The Virgin and Child with St Catherine

The Virgin and Child with St Catherine
By Bartolomeo Romenghi the Elder
Early 16th Century
Oil on panel 51.7 cm x 36.6 cm
The Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge, UK

St. Catherine is mesmerized by her child hubby Squishy realizing that someday he'll grow up to be Ludwig van Beethoven!

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
By Lorenzo di Credi
c. 1510
Oil on wood, 224 x 196 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Guy second from the left: What tha!!!!!?????

Lady in red robe, center: It appears to be alive. NOBODY GET TOO CLOSE.

Two women in background on right: Shhhhhhh...check it out, that guy in a skirt is shoplifting a sheep!

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child
By Giovanni di Paolo
1400's
Tempera and gilding on panel, 35 x 25.5 cm
Ashmolean Museum, Oxford, UK

Old man Squishy wearing a pink nightshirt? Check.

The Virgin and Child with St Julian and St Nicholas of Myra

The Virgin and Child with St Julian and St Nicholas of Myra
By Lorenzo di Credi
1490-92
Wood, 163 x 164 cm
Musée du Louvre, Paris

Awwwww! Lil' rebel's got a Mohawk.

The Holy Family with Saints Anne and Joachim

The Holy Family with Saints Anne and Joachim
By Nicolás Rodríguez Juarez
1699
Oil on canvas, 86 1/4 x 77 3/4"
The Ringling Museum of Art, Sarasota, Florida

One of the lesser known benefits of being the Savior is that when you get your family picture taken your dad appears as a hologram in the background.

The Virgin Odegetria

The Virgin Odegetria
15th century
Egg tempera on lime wood, 91.5 x 77.5
From St. Demetrius' Church in the village of Krasiv, Lviv region, Lviv National Museum

Finally, definitive proof that aliens exist........or at least they did in the 15th century.

Nativity

Nativity
By the Master of Avila
1474-76
Museo Lazaro Galdiano, Madrid








Also known as The Levitating Nativity.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Boccaccio Boccaccino
Painting
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Oh dear Squishy you're looking a bit too *cough* excited *cough* *cough* to be petting the little birdy.

Nativity

Nativity
By Berruguete
Altar painting
From the church of St. Eulalia in Paredes de Nava, Tierra de Campos, Spain

Now just for moment I want you all to stop with your adoring and singing and lute playing and give the poor skinny Jesus something to eat.

Sheeesh!

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Girolamo Alibrandi
Painting on panel
Museo Regionale di Messina

Note to Rabbi Big Beard:

The tossing of a Messiah is strictly forbidden.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Detail of a mosaic in Santa Maria in Trastevere, Rome

Hey guys, can I get you the name of a good eyebrow waxer? Just sayin'.

Infants Jesus and Saint John

Infants Jesus and Saint John
By Josep Vergara
Painting
Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia, Spain


Here's a close up of the letter Squishy Jesus is dictating to his baby assistant:

Dear Josep Vergara,

Dude, we are supposed to be infants. Why do we look like middle aged geometry teachers who need to cut back on the brewskies? Why are we seated on a cloud? And, btw, there's a vicious bird hanging out under Squishy's foot.

WTF?

xxxxoooo John & Squishy

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa
1421-22
From Church of the Transfiguration, Zrze Monastery, Prilep.
Museum of Macedonia, Skopje, Macedonia

Holy trifecta of awesomeness: Squishy's head is on sideways, he has a giant forehead, and OMFG, HE'S WEARING LEDERHOSEN!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Mabuse
Painting on panel

MARY: My breast is in a normal location - alert the media!

SQUISHY: Check out my mullet. Woot! Party's in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nativity

Nativity
1558
Detail of a fresco in the Church of San Siro Mairengo in Canton Ticino, Switzerland

Ass to ox: Do you smell Thai food?

Ox to ass: Yeah, what's the deal with that? I could totally go for some pad kee mao right now.

Nativity

Nativity
By Jaume Ferrer Bassa
1340
Illumination on parchment, 17 x 11.3 cm
Biblioteca Marciana, Venice

Hey there Jaume Ferrer Bassa, honey, can we chat? You know, artist to artist.

A couple of things: why are people looking so pissed off in your nativity? The son of God, savior of all men is born--like shouldn't people be looking happier? Okay so maybe the ox is smirking a bit.....

And next, what's with baby AKA Old-Dude-in-Swaddling-Bondage Jesus? Did you have babies back in 1340?

Why is the manger pink?

And finally, how do the angels manage to recline in mid flight? The one on the right has his arms folded like he soooo bored with this holy night business.

Thanks much, xoxoxoxoxo, Matti

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Michele di Michele Ciampanti
1470
Tempera on wood, 54 x 39 cm
Lindenau-Museum, Altenburg

How dare you say my Virgin mommy has a freakishly long midsection??? Lick my foot and I may forgive you, swine.

San Giovenale Triptych

San Giovenale Triptych (center panel)
By Massacio
1422
Tempera on panel, 108 x 153 cm
San Giovenale di Cascia di Reggello, church of San Pietro

ANGEL (RIGHT): Now, can you please tell me who exactly I'm praying to?

ANGEL (LEFT): I dunno--my halo is in my way too.

Madonna Lactans

Madonna Lactans
Detail of a fresco in Valle Verzasca, Switzerland

So if one boob is in the center of Mary's chest, then the other one is........going with logic here......detachable. Yeah, that's it. It's detachable, and Jesus is holding it in his left hand.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Antonio Vaz
c. 1540
Oil on wood, 23.62 × 19.68 in
Alberto Sampaio Museum, Guimarães, Portugal

Alternate title, Madonna and Child, After Learning Not to Touch the Electric Fence.