Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
By Boccaccio Boccaccino
Painting
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Oh dear Squishy you're looking a bit too *cough* excited *cough* *cough* to be petting the little birdy.

Nativity

Nativity
By Berruguete
Altar painting
From the church of St. Eulalia in Paredes de Nava, Tierra de Campos, Spain

Now just for moment I want you all to stop with your adoring and singing and lute playing and give the poor skinny Jesus something to eat.

Sheeesh!

Circumcision of Christ

Circumcision of Christ
By Girolamo Alibrandi
Painting on panel
Museo Regionale di Messina

Note to Rabbi Big Beard:

The tossing of a Messiah is strictly forbidden.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Detail of a mosaic in Santa Maria in Trastevere, Rome

Hey guys, can I get you the name of a good eyebrow waxer? Just sayin'.

Infants Jesus and Saint John

Infants Jesus and Saint John
By Josep Vergara
Painting
Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia, Spain


Here's a close up of the letter Squishy Jesus is dictating to his baby assistant:

Dear Josep Vergara,

Dude, we are supposed to be infants. Why do we look like middle aged geometry teachers who need to cut back on the brewskies? Why are we seated on a cloud? And, btw, there's a vicious bird hanging out under Squishy's foot.

WTF?

xxxxoooo John & Squishy

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa

Holy Virgin Pelagonitissa
1421-22
From Church of the Transfiguration, Zrze Monastery, Prilep.
Museum of Macedonia, Skopje, Macedonia

Holy trifecta of awesomeness: Squishy's head is on sideways, he has a giant forehead, and OMFG, HE'S WEARING LEDERHOSEN!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Mabuse
Painting on panel

MARY: My breast is in a normal location - alert the media!

SQUISHY: Check out my mullet. Woot! Party's in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nativity

Nativity
1558
Detail of a fresco in the Church of San Siro Mairengo in Canton Ticino, Switzerland

Ass to ox: Do you smell Thai food?

Ox to ass: Yeah, what's the deal with that? I could totally go for some pad kee mao right now.

Nativity

Nativity
By Jaume Ferrer Bassa
1340
Illumination on parchment, 17 x 11.3 cm
Biblioteca Marciana, Venice

Hey there Jaume Ferrer Bassa, honey, can we chat? You know, artist to artist.

A couple of things: why are people looking so pissed off in your nativity? The son of God, savior of all men is born--like shouldn't people be looking happier? Okay so maybe the ox is smirking a bit.....

And next, what's with baby AKA Old-Dude-in-Swaddling-Bondage Jesus? Did you have babies back in 1340?

Why is the manger pink?

And finally, how do the angels manage to recline in mid flight? The one on the right has his arms folded like he soooo bored with this holy night business.

Thanks much, xoxoxoxoxo, Matti

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
By Michele di Michele Ciampanti
1470
Tempera on wood, 54 x 39 cm
Lindenau-Museum, Altenburg

How dare you say my Virgin mommy has a freakishly long midsection??? Lick my foot and I may forgive you, swine.

San Giovenale Triptych

San Giovenale Triptych (center panel)
By Massacio
1422
Tempera on panel, 108 x 153 cm
San Giovenale di Cascia di Reggello, church of San Pietro

ANGEL (RIGHT): Now, can you please tell me who exactly I'm praying to?

ANGEL (LEFT): I dunno--my halo is in my way too.

Madonna Lactans

Madonna Lactans
Detail of a fresco in Valle Verzasca, Switzerland

So if one boob is in the center of Mary's chest, then the other one is........going with logic here......detachable. Yeah, that's it. It's detachable, and Jesus is holding it in his left hand.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
By Antonio Vaz
c. 1540
Oil on wood, 23.62 × 19.68 in
Alberto Sampaio Museum, Guimarães, Portugal

Alternate title, Madonna and Child, After Learning Not to Touch the Electric Fence.

Madonna Adoring the Child

Madonna Adoring the Child
From the workshop of Ghirlandaio
Around 1465
Oil on panel, 55 x 36.5 cm
Bowes Museum, Barnard Castle, Agnews, London

Yeah, so Mary has some gigantic hands here, but then look at Jesus....damn! Was he painted by Botero?

Virgin and Child with Saints

Virgin and Child with Saints
By Fernando Yáñez de la Almedina
140 x 119 cm
Prado Museum, Madrid

Oh noes, not the jazz hands again!

The Holy Family with the Infant Saint John the Baptist

The Holy Family with the Infant Saint John the Baptist
By an artist in the school of Raphael
Oil on panel, 92.5 x 63.5 cm
National Galleries of Scotland

Darling, do I have anything in my teeth?

Virgin Lactans

Virgin Lactans
1784
Byzantine Museum, Thessaloniki, Greece

Happy Mother's Day from Squishy J to all the beautiful moms out there (even those of you who have a breast growing from your bicep.....)

Virgin de la Leche with Christ Child and St. Bernard Clairvaux

Virgin de la Leche with Christ Child and St.
Bernard Clairvaux
By an unknown artist from Peru
1680
Oil on canvas, 47" x 39"
Peyton Wright Gallery, Santa Fe

Twofer!

Madonna and Child with Saints

Madonna and Child with Saints
By Giovanni Di Paolo
15th century
Tempera on panel

Let us pray:

Dear Lord,

We thank you for sending us your son, and we hate to mention silly details, but, well, he is a bit on the large side for a baby. This makes it rather difficult for us to hold him in this painting. Since we all praying so piously and we have such nice butt chins, could you kindly downsize him just a little bit?

Amen.

xxxoooo, Mary and Saints

Garland of Fruit with the Infants Christ and Saint John the Baptist

Garland of Fruit with the Infants Christ and Saint John the Baptist
By Frans Snyders
Oil on canvas

So what do we have here? A Squishy baby pile underneath a garland of fruit, make that the very suggestive garland of fruit......