The Holy Family with St. John the Baptist

The Holy Family with St. John the Baptist
by Hieronymus Cock (after Andrea del Sarto)
ca. 1560
Engraving
37 x 25.2 cm, 14 1/2 x 9 7/8 in. image

I confess that my main reason for posting this image is to draw your attention to the name of the artist: Hieronymus Cock. HIERONYMUS COCK!

I'm thinking a niche-market porn dvd, buried in a stack of art history books, something like "Want to know what really happened in the Garden of Earthly Delights? Hieronymus Cock shows you all and more: upside down sex in strawberries, flutes stuffed in all orifices. No holes barred. XXX !!!!"

Presentation at the Temple

Presentation at the Temple
by Johann Koerbecke
about 1457
Oil and tempera on panel, 93.2 x 65 cm
Munster, Westfalisches Landesmuseum fur Kuntst and Kulturgeschichte

All sorts of folks-- normal sized ones in the center, pygmy sized ones on bottom and God with his bat angel entourage up above--gather about to see Jesus presented at the temple .

Could be, though, the crowd is not so interested in the actual presentation as in checking out Jesus' s freakishly lengthy midsection.

Holy Family with St John the Baptist as a Child

Holy Family with St John the Baptist as a Child
by Ambrosius Benson
1527
Panel, 83 x 65.5 cm
Private collection

Here we see Saint John the Baptist looking a bit too happy to see baby Jesus, if you know what I mean.....

Nativity

Nativity
by Pietro di Francesco Orioli
about 1494-1496
Tempera on panel, 66.5 x 49.5 cm
Private collection

Hey, I'm naked and bald, balancing myself over a half of a barrel--any chance I could get some privacy here?

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
Painter of Venetian circle
about 1350
Tempera and gold on panel, 41 x 31 cm
Split, Church of Our Lady of Pojisan

Not only does my ma get pregnant when she's a virgin, but she's got a special boob for me tucked in her armpit, 'kay?

Madonna Adoring the Child

Madonna Adoring the Child
by an unknown Venetian artist
circa 1450 - 60
Villa Cagnola, Varese, Italy

Okay people--we've got your combination odalisque and subliminal penis belly right here, in front of the pink mountains.

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Master of Oberrheinische
1450

I'm so impressed with the way this artist perfectly matched squishy Jesus's belly to the apple Mary is holding. Now if only he had done a little something to fix Mary's flat head....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown artist
15th century
Madley Parish Church, Madley, UK

It's a relief to know that the force of nature that is the Old Man Baby Jesus has the power to cross genres into stained glass.

The Holy Family

The Holy Family
by Bernaert van Orley
1520s
Oil on panel, 18 x 13 1/4 in.
The J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Apparently squishy Jesus was big on propping himself up with his mom's breast.

Madonna and Blessing Child

Madonna and Blessing Child
1505-10
Tempera on canvas, 85 x 68 cm
National Gallery of Art, Washington

Now listen up Jesus, if you don't stop squirming and pay attention to what I'm reading to you, I'll turn you into a floating baby head just like I did your brothers!

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Jan Gossaert
c. 1532
Oil on panel
The National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC,

Um, awkward?!

I mean is Mary teaching Jesus to dance by dangling a biscuit in front of his face while he straddles a scroll on the arm of the chair? WTF???

Madonna and Child

Madonna and Child
by Deodato Orlandi
Panel
Musée du Louvre, Paris
1300's

In honor of the many graduates today: squishy Jesus offers you a diploma and peace.

Madonna of Humility

Madonna of Humility
Guariento di Arpo
about 1345 - 1350
Tempera and gold on panel, 13 x 6 3/4 in
The J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Now this is different: Mary's breast is an extension of her smiley-face sun brooch.......

The Virgin and Child

The Virgin and Child

by Mabuse

Approx. 1527

Oil on panel

National Gallery, London

What exactly is squishy Jesus trying to catch?

Leave your best guess in the comment box.

The Virgin and Child in Majesty

The Virgin and Child in Majesty
by The Master of Pedret
c. 1100
Fresco
Church of Saint Joan at Tredos, Lleida, Spain

Matching mother and son double chins--so sweet for Mother's Day!

Madonna and Child with Two Donors

Madonna and Child with Two Donors
by Lorenzo Lotto
c. 1525 - 30
Oil on canvas
J. Paul Getty Museum, Los Angeles

Now Mary, this is not the first time I've had to warn you about that hand.

Adoration of the Magi

Adoration of the Magi
by Master Francke
1424
Panel
Kunsthalle, Hamburg

See, when you are the son of God, not only do guys with crowns and split goatees bring you gifts, but you and your mom get ginormous halos so everybody can tell you are holy.

Oh, and you can get a red sky if you want, too.

The Rest on the Flight into Egypt

The Rest on the Flight into Egypt
by Maerten van Heemskerck
c. 1530
Overall: 57.7 x 74.7 cm
National Gallery of Art London

My goodness, Maerten van Heemskerck, homoerotic much? At first glance I thought this was a Paul Cadmus. I'm assuming the naked-butt guy in the background is Joseph.....

Annunciation

Annunciation
by Jakob Mertens
c. 1660
Oil on canvas
St. Mary Church (Kosciól Mariacki), Cracow

Never, never in all my squishy Jesus viewing, have I ever seen a depiction of God's birth canal.

Check it out: God's on top holding a cross while baby Jesus squeezes out between two thigh-clouds. Below that Jesus, who's now holding a cross, air swims his way towards Mary. Mary receives news from angel Gabriel that she's been knocked up by God.

The Nativity

The Nativity
by Bernardo Daddi
c. 1340-80
Tempera on poplar panel, 14.1 x 12.1 cm
Wallace Collection, London

A angel ducks under the upper right of the thatched roof in this painting, desperate to rescue Jesus from living the rest of his life as a golf tee.