The Madonna in Majesty (detail)

The Madonna in Majesty (detail)
by Cimabue
1285-86
Tempera on panel, 91 x 75 cm (full painting: 385 x 223 cm)
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

Mary would like you to know that there's absolutely NOTHING funny about Jesus's ears.

Holy Family (Borgherini)

Holy Family (Borgherini)
by Andrea del Sarto
c. 1529
Oil on wood, 135 x 100 cm
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

In this crowded scene Saint John the Baptist holds up a globe with baby Jesus, while a hand comes around from the background to hold - his crotch -??!!!

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)

The Dresden Altarpiece (central panel)
by Albrecht Durer
1496
Oil on canvas, 117 x 96,5 cm
Gemäldegalerie, Dresden

Weird, semi-transparent angels lower a crown onto Mary's head, while she prays over squishy Jesus.

What's unclear is why a Flemish style home can be seen out the window (in Bethleham?) and why a wee little guy with no pants is waving a mop over the sleeping Jesus.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Master of Female Half-length
Oil on panel, 40 x 29 cm
Private collection

OMG, Master of Female Half-length is the best artist name ever! I am so ready to take this as my own artist name and crank out portraits of baby Jesus hanging out, holding a pear, propped up by a breast.

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors

Diptych with the Virgin and Child and Three Donors
by Master of the Legend of St. Ursula
1486
Oil on oak panels, 28 x 21 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

Can someone explain to me why baby Jesus is so often depicted with a red 'fro? (See previous post, for example.)

Here Jesus kind of looks like a cheap doll whose limbs are poorly stuck in his sockets, though the donors on the right don't seem to mind.

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes (detail)
by Lambert Lombard
Oil on panel, 104 x 110 cm
Rockox House, Antwerp

Jesus has quite a profile in this painting (not to mention his armpit hair).

Mary has henna on her feet.

Good times.

Adoration of the Shepherds

Adoration of the Shepherds
by Pietro di Giovanni d'Ambrogio
c. 1445
Tempera on wood
Museo d'Arte Sacra, Asciano

Perfect for Christmas Eve: another swaddling-gone-wrong nativity.

This is a great painting for animals. Notice the ox and the cross-eyed ass with their co-mingled ears looking in on Jesus in his swaddling tube. There's an owl on top of the super-neat manger door. And what the heck is that animal in the lower right corner? Lion-poodle-sheep?

Madonna and Child with Donors

Madonna and Child with Donors
by Gentile Bellini
c. 1460
Panel, 74 x 46 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Despite the peace sign, it's not all hippy love with Jesus--he's fed up with the ugly pair of donors and is kicking them away. Mary looks on with a smirk just like her son's. (They also apparently share the same eyebrow pencil...)

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels

Virgin and Child Surrounded by Angels
by Jean Fouquet
c. 1450
Wood, 93 x 85 cm
Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten, Antwerp

This is a rare documentation of the early days of breast enhancement. Baby Jesus, oblivious to his mother's spheres, points off to the side at giant tassels. Red and blue angels complete the bizarre scene.

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds

Nativity and Adoration of the Shepherds
by Bartolo di Fredi
c. 1383
Tempera and gold on wood, 50 x 35 cm
Pinacoteca, Vatican

Jesus the mummy lies on stone slab in a strange cave-like structure. He appears mesmerized by a sort of bird laser, much to the amusement of the ox and the ass.

Up above, an angel choir sings while on the right, one angel breaks out to announces the birth of Jesus to shepherds, causing one to scratch his head in wonder.

The same shepherds can be seen in the foreground, worshiping Jesus with their cartoonish dog. What happened to the sheep?

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Francesco Squarcion
c. 1460
Poplar panel, 82 x 70 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Oh freaky, bulgy-eye Jesus, why do you have a muscle-man arm?

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim

St Anne with the Virgin and Child and St Joachim
by Joos van Cleve
Wood, 109 x 74 cm
Musées Royaux des Beaux-Arts, Brussels

It's the Squishy Jesus family! Mary on the right (Mom), Anne in the middle (Grandma), and Joachim on the left (Grandpa).

Jesus gets his red hair from Grandpa and his pasty complexion from Mom. Altogether, it's too much for him and he's passed out....

Nativity

Nativity
by an unknown Flemish master
c. 1400
Tempera on wood, 33 x 21 cm
Museum Mayer van den Bergh, Antwerp

Here a chesty Jesus is observed closely by an unattractive ox and ass, while Mary reclines on a sleeping bag, using her halo as a pillow. Joseph cuts up one of his socks and God gives his blessing to the scene from the heavens above.

Holy Family

Holy Family
by Bernaert van Orley
1522
Oil tempera on wood, 90 x 74 cm
Museo del Prado, Madrid

After the previous painting showing Squishy Jesus running from Mary, I thought it would be nice to show him running towards her. Apparently, Jesus has been running to Mary's breast quite a bit, since he's looking mighty chubby.

Jesus looks up at the crown a helpful angel is placing on Mary's head. The artist has signed and dated the painting in a trompe l’oeil scrap of paper resting in lower right corner.

The Holy Family with Angels

The Holy Family with Angels
by an unknown German master
c. 1425
Oak, 25 x 19 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Do yourself a favor and spend a long time looking at the enlargement of this painting. The holy family is certainly busy, with Jesus in the center walking (not crawling) away from Mary waving 'bye.

Joseph, aka Santa Claus, is at work with his carpentry tools, while Mary holds a bowl of food. Mary's brocade bed is luxurious, yet her mangy hut is falling apart. Handy angels repair the hut and apparently need a ladder despite being able to fly. More angels in the foreground carry water to a tub covered by a blue shower curtain.

Virgin and Child with Two Angels

Virgin and Child with Two Angels
by Piero di Cosimo
1505-10
Panel, 116 x 85 cm
Collezione Vittorio Cini, Venice

Squishy Jesus just can't help himself from jumping in to assist a very vapid angel play a lute.

Virgin and Child

Virgin and Child
by Geertgen tot Sint Jans
Oak, 81 x 52 cm
Staatliche Museen, Berlin

Here's a nice variation on the convenient tit theme: Baby Jesus is the one with the breasts.